Members Ryan. Posted August 23, 2010 Members Share Posted August 23, 2010 Wrote half a song the other day. Got distracted and let it go for a bit. Would like some opinions on where to head with it... and against my usual routine, I'm going to post a crappy recording of it to give you an idea of the style (which is far of anything our band has ever done.) Please excuse the bad version, it is getting much better... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP752lijZ_c Here are the lyrics. My question is: where would you take the lyrics from here. I'm either thinking of writing the girls side of the story, or just continuing with the guys side... She said its not for very long,Just gotta catch her breath, she Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SomeoneYouKnew Posted August 24, 2010 Members Share Posted August 24, 2010 Here are the lyrics. My question is: where would you take the lyrics from here. I'm either thinking of writing the girls side of the story, or just continuing with the guys side...I think neither. You have a beginning then you jump right into game-over. If you go anywhere after this, you'll likely be backtracking or just laboring over a lot of anti-climactic details. Maybe you could take things more in sequence. She said its not for very long,Just gotta catch her breath, she Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Wolf_ Posted August 24, 2010 Members Share Posted August 24, 2010 I like it, the chorus especially. I have two comments on the lyrics. First, all of the emotion right now is centered on the girl (that she is going and why), and in the place (crimson sky, California bleeds). There is no "I" visible in the song yet. Who exactly is supposed to be experiencing the loss of the girl? Why do we care about him? So I'd actually say that you've told less about the guy's side than about the girl's at this point. Why not make a more direct connection to the "I" in the lyric? Second, the first line, I think, undercuts the tension in the song. The first thing we learn is that "it's not for very long", and the rest of the lyric we wonder why we should care, if the girl is supposed to be back soon anyway. Then you have the line "can't say how long she'll go", which seems to contradict the first line anyway. Now, it would be one thing if you were showing the girl giving mixed signals, but I don't think that is what you are doing here (though that is one possible direction you could go, assuming the "story" of the song isn't set for you). Anyway, keep up the good work, it has potential to be a very nice tune. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ryan. Posted August 24, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 24, 2010 Guys great thoughts already! Thanks a ton! I do like what you're saying about how I started and ended the song in the first portion. I'm going to rework it to try and lead into the story before its all over. You both have helped a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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