Really need help on this one

[Mahuska]

I like for the most part my lyrics or the message

but the song structure is really is all over the place

 

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/i-wonder-if-i-could

 

Lyrics

I'm so lonely, off of my game, I'm not feeling good

Then I see such a wonderful Scene

I wounder if I could

 

Really have her have her heart her soul

keep it simple keep it real that is what it it's all about

 

I awaken was it a dream, don't do this to me now

And I remember her in the flesh I wounder if I could

 

Really have her have her heart her soul

keep it simple keep it real that is what it it's all about

 

She talks, she breathes, she walks this way

My heart concedes, it's never felt this way

This chance to fell provactive

New hope, I see

 

I won't look back, I won't turn back

I won't think twice

[oldgitplayer]

This is tough to comment on, as musically and lyrically it feels under-developed.

But here are a few comments I hope may help you move it along :

 

The tempo probably needs to be upped a bit - it feels like it's dragging.

The vocal melody in the first line of the bridge was the only time I was engaged with any aspect of the melody. It probably needs some work beyond just singing over chords.

 

Lyrically it feels unformed. I understand what the song is about, but you haven't made me care about the situation.

Some of the lines that are hackneyed include :

 

I'm so lonely

 

her heart her soul

that is what it it's all about

 

I awaken was it a dream

 

This chance to feel provocative - I'm sure you don't mean this. Why would you want to deliberately annoy her?

 

I won't look back

I won't think twice - Both these lines have connections with Bob Dylan - Don't look back and Don't think twice.

 

Good luck