Fathers tune to his children

[Mahuska]

Ok I am manic

http://www.4shared.com/audio/cwPiL4m-/You_have_got_to_believe_it.html?

 

lyrics

 

I want a new freedom, I want to be loved.

 

And as every day goes by. I feel so all alone.

 

Shoudering a painful past.I should have been you good ole good ole dad.

 

Please let me in. I do love you You gotta believe that.

It's hard to explain, there's times that I fade away and the times that I think it's hard to fine the words to say.e

Shouldering the painful past, I shoud have known your suffering, I could have been your good ole goood ole dad.Please let me in. I do love you.

You gotta beleive that. I cry my nights all alone.

I do love you, you gotta believe it.

Please lrt me in, I do love you, you gotta believe that.

I cry my nights all alone. I do love you, You gotta beleive it.

[oldgitplayer]

I think aspects of the vocal melody work, and the instrumental melody is rather good - but the lyrics aren't working.

 

There is no problem with the idea of a father singing a song about his disconnection with his children, but I think you maybe need to develop a strong metaphor to build on.

At the moment the song is constructed with cliches and over-laboured sentiments, and just doesn't ring true.

Stay with it, but give it another shot. It can still go places.

[LCK]

I really like your musical ideas, voice and arrangement.

 

I'm with ogp to some extent, although I think some of the lines in the lyric work really well. "Ya gotta believe it..." is one. "Please let me in..." is another. But the rest, well, think of them as a first draft.

 

I have to say, though, that even with the unfinished nature of the lyric, the song has a lot going for it.

 

LCK

[Monkey Uncle]

 

I think aspects of the vocal melody work, and the instrumental melody is rather good - but the lyrics aren't working. There is no problem with the idea of a father singing a song about his disconnection with his children, but I think you maybe need to develop a strong metaphor to build on. At the moment the song is constructed with cliches and over-laboured sentiments, and just doesn't ring true. Stay with it, but give it another shot. It can still go places.

 

 

My reaction is almost exactly the reverse. While the lyrics could use some polishing, I sort of like their heartfelt, direct nature. The vocal melody, on the other hand, seems overly simple and repetitive. It sounds like you keep hitting the same two notes throughout the song (maybe the IV and I notes of the key?). A little more melodic variety would do wonders for the song.

[Mahuska]

Thanks all for replying. I was a single parent, raising three wonderful children that I am happy to have the circle broken. Having suffered much child abuse on my end, I find them well and not having to go through what I endured. The depression and isolation had them concerned. I am speaking with this lately.

There needs a lot of work on all fronts. I think it will be worth the effort to inprove my idea/song

[Monkey Uncle]

Your personal experience definitely shows in the lyrics, and that's what makes this idea worth pursuing. So, your challenge is to smooth out the rough edges without papering over those raw feelings.

[rickidoo]

Having had a similar life experience with at least one of my kids, I know exactly what you were talking about in this song.

 

Musically, melody, tone - it's a well created piece... for the words you wrote. And if you are writing this song for personal expression and self cleansing then you're done. It's fine for that.

 

But, if this song is aimed a more general audience, the lyrics need to be redone. The main reason is that the message of the song starts with some painful admissions, and then just piles more on without (for me at least) some kind of satisfying outcome. And that satisfying outcome need not be a positive one; but right now the song just leaves us with this mental picture of a very depressed person crying every night in bed.

 

And so I would keep the melodic framework of the song and think though a way to bring the song to some kind of ending (and through a new journey). Start totally afresh. Help us to share what you experienced, but give us a message that we can use in our own lives.

 

That's my 2 cents.

 

 

CAVEAT: I am a music hobbyist songwriter, with no published songs (and no attempt to do so), just an interest and appreciation of music. I may be flat wrong in my comments!

[Mahuska]

 

Having had a similar life experience with at least one of my kids, I know exactly what you were talking about in this song. Musically, melody, tone - it's a well created piece... for the words you wrote. And if you are writing this song for personal expression and self cleansing then you're done. It's fine for that. But, if this song is aimed a more general audience, the lyrics need to be redone. The main reason is that the message of the song starts with some painful admissions, and then just piles more on without (for me at least) some kind of satisfying outcome. And that satisfying outcome need not be a positive one; but right now the song just leaves us with this mental picture of a very depressed person crying every night in bed. And so I would keep the melodic framework of the song and think though a way to bring the song to some kind of ending (and through a new journey). Start totally afresh. Help us to share what you experienced, but give us a message that we can use in our own lives. That's my 2 cents. CAVEAT: I am a music hobbyist songwriter, with no published songs (and no attempt to do so), just an interest and appreciation of music. I may be flat wrong in my comments!

 

Thanks I added a few more lines that might bring resolution, at least for now how is this?

 

I want a new freedom, I want to be loved.

 

And as every day goes by. I feel so all alone.

 

Shoudering a painful past.I should have been you good ole good ole dad.

 

Please let me in. I do love you You gotta believe that.

It's hard to explain, there's times that I fade away and the times that I think it's hard to fine the words to say.e

Shouldering the painful past, I shoud have known your suffering, I could have been your good ole goood ole dad.Please let me in. I do love you.

You gotta beleive that. I cry my nights all alone.

I do love you, you gotta believe it.

Please let me in, I do love you, you gotta believe that.

I cry my nights all alone. I do love you, You gotta beleive it.

 

I am so glad and greatfull to have you back in my life again.

No aplogogies , just acceptance I appreciate that.

 

You knew little of my tormented early life. I Tried to sheild you from that.

Now I have three beautiful grandchileren to see and am proud that you have

turned out to be such great parents and such beautiful people.

 

Somehow I must of done something right

[rickidoo]

That does wrap it up better, and gives a take away to the listener.

[Monkey Uncle]

Yes, the additions do give closure to the song, but there are a couple of things in the added lines that could use a little polishing:

1) The transition from despair to happy ending is a little abrupt. Can you add a line or two in between that helps the listener get from one place to the other? Musically, that might be a good place for a bridge.

2) While I like the directness of the song overall, the added lines are so direct that they read more like prose than verse. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what makes the difference, but there is a difference between the lyrical quality of the stuff in your opening post versus the matter-of-fact sentences in the added lines. For example, instead of:

 

You knew little of my tormented early life. I Tried to sheild you from that.

 

You might reword it something like this:

 

You never knew my childhood torment; I did my best to shield your mind

 

That may not be what you really want to say; I'm just giving an example of more "lyrical sounding" language - something that paints a picture rather than just conveying information.