Members Oswlek Posted February 16, 2012 Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 Even beyond partially crafted works, I have enough demo {censored} already uploaded to youtube to keep this forum swimming in Oswlek threads for days. Lucky for everyone I'm too decent a guy to flood the waters like that. Here is one that I really dig and hope to get to some time soon. It is mostly V3 that I am unsure about. Does it sound artfully phrased? Or just purposely jumbled to force a rhyme? Of course all other feedback is welcome. [video=youtube;3ohqtr4y1GI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ohqtr4y1GI V1 I got your note today Seems you had so much to say {and now I} I have decisions to make Did we really change since splitting ways? V2 We've been through this before You were always wanting more {and now you're} You're back at my door Is it worth the risk I can't say for sure B Are better days ahead? Your letter says we'll start again make ammends and I'll know when We set the past ablaze Instead, there's always R Complications V3 Rereading over again Walls built up begin to bend Rivers through canyons that flow Don't erode the Earth like you my self-control B Are better days ahead? Your letter says we'll start again make ammends and I'll know when We set the world ablaze Instead, there's always R Complications Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 16, 2012 Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 :poke: Do you often find yourself at a door with an ex? I'd loose that reference because it feels like you just did one with that same imagery. V3 is my favorite. It has powerful specific language. You might need to restructure one line. As it stands now if sounds like the canyons are flowing. Through canyons the rivers flow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 I do tend to repeat myself, don't I? Didn't even realize there was some overlap. Is "Oh You Wait" really a good enough reason to cut something that works out of here? If I were going to release them together, perhaps, but this is purely a hobby for me so not working within the framework of the song would be more motivating for me. You might need to restructure one line. Dammit. I mean, I was expecting that, but it just sings so well... I can't make your suggestion work, but one that does, "Canyons and rivers that flow" doesn't make much sense in the context of the next line. How do canyons cause erosion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 16, 2012 Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 I do tend to repeat myself, don't I? Didn't even realize there was some overlap. Is "Oh You Wait" really a good enough reason to cut something that works out of here? If I were going to release them together, perhaps, but this is purely a hobby for me so not working within the framework of the song would be more motivating for me. Dammit. I mean, I was expecting that, but it just sings so well... I can't make your suggestion work, but one that does, "Canyons and rivers that flow" doesn't make much sense in the context of the next line. How do canyons cause erosion? Fair enough. Canyons holding rivers that flow dont erode like my self control Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted February 16, 2012 Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 Rereading over againWalls built up begin to bendRivers through canyons THEY flowBUT don't erode the Earth like you my self-control i think this clears it a bit? Not overly convinced on "like you my self control" i know what you're saying but it sounds and sings a little wonky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 16, 2012 Rereading over againWalls built up begin to bendRivers through canyons THEY flowBUT don't erode the Earth like you my self-control i think this clears it a bit? Not overly convinced on "like you my self control" i know what you're saying but it sounds and sings a little wonky Basically saying that this person has the ability to weaken my resolve. It really is similar to the last one I wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted February 18, 2012 Members Share Posted February 18, 2012 Don't erode the Earth like you ERODE my self control I think you need to repeat the verb to make that line make sense. It would add two syllables, but I think it would still fit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 18, 2012 Members Share Posted February 18, 2012 Hi, Justin. The lyric isn't the same as your new one, though there are similarities. No need to throw this song out. I think "You Hold Me Down" is a much better, more polished lyric, the kind that hits every word just write and makes each phrase count. This one is still fumbling with how to say what it wants to say. The erosion lines don't work because you're forcing the metaphor. (That's probably why it doesn't fit the tune, btw.) But lyrical problems aside, this is a really good tune. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 18, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 18, 2012 Hi, Justin.The lyric isn't the same as your new one, though there are similarities. No need to throw this song out.I think "You Hold Me Down" is a much better, more polished lyric, the kind that hits every word just write and makes each phrase count. This one is still fumbling with how to say what it wants to say.The erosion lines don't work because you're forcing the metaphor. (That's probably why it doesn't fit the tune, btw.) But lyrical problems aside, this is a really good tune. LCK Thanks, Lee. It is a fun song to belt out. Is there anything in here you feel is worth building around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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