Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 OK, I think I'm set up to the final line: V1 Nameless, faceless sitting at the wheel Whose guiding hands I can't reveal Draped in shadow, mirror fails to show What's behind the mask, afraid to ask Who's in controlChorus Insatiable, the criminal I hide Your dirty carnival, oooh your thrill time rideV2 Empty promises line this battered path There's no bargaining, no bartering With merciless wrath Manic shame, burning in my blood This passenger door's the only cure I knowChorus Insatiable, the criminal I hide I'm your carnival, your dirty thrill time ride Insatiable, the animal inside ??????? I like the slight movement of "dirty" from the first chorus to the second, it sings very well. As for the final line, is it "my carnival"? Is it "your carnival"? And what is the description either way? FWIW, if it settles on "your carnival", I was originally trying to say "your weak, pushover" ride. Not those words, of course, but that meaning. So something along those lines as the final line might be a cool change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Your dirty carnival, oooh your thrill time ride. Eh. I think you're getting further and further away. But maybe that's just me. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'm confused, Lee. How is that any different from what you've already suggested? The "ooh"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Lee, forgive the pestering, but I'm still hoping you'll help me understand where I am veering off course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Lee, forgive the pestering, but I'm still hoping you'll help me understand where I am veering off course. I think you had it (and still do, sort of) with: I'm your carnival, your dirty thrill time ride. I know: it was my suggestion. But still, you did sort of use it with "Your carnival, that filthy thrill time ride." (The only thing is that I think filthy is a bit too much.)Which, I think is more focused and direct than: Your dirty carnival, Oh thrill time ride By saying "dirty carnival" at the top of that line you're showing your hole card. "I'm your carnival..." sounds almost appealing. Then we get hit with the reality of what a carnival ride is really like. Also, adding the word "oh" makes no sense to me. You said it sings well, so I could be convinced otherwise -- I suppose -- by hearing it sung. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 I think you had it (and still do, sort of) with:I'm your carnival, your dirty thrill time ride.I know: it was my suggestion. But still, you did sort of use it with "Your carnival, that filthy thrill time ride." (The only thing is that I think filthy is a bit too much.)Which, I think is more focused and direct than:Your dirty carnival, Oh thrill time rideBy saying "dirty carnival" at the top of that line you're showing your hole card. "I'm your carnival..." sounds almost appealing. Then we get hit with the reality of what a carnival ride is really like. Also, adding the word "oh" makes no sense to me.You said it sings well, so I could be convinced otherwise -- I suppose -- by hearing it sung.LCK "oh" is nothing more than filler to puncuate the line, so I think you might be reading too much into it. That said, I hadn't considered this part By saying "dirty carnival" at the top of that line you're showing your hole (you meant whole, right?) card. "I'm your carnival..." sounds almost appealing. Then we get hit with the reality of what a carnival ride is really like. This line of thought makes me reconsider the filler and just run with "I'm your carnival, your dirty thrill time ride" both times. I'm not married to "filthy", it was just something that popped into my head. I often times use these boards as a personal scratch pad. Now, that settled, we still have the final line to consider... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 ) card. Now, that settled, we still have the final line to consider... I see no problem with repeating that line. I think it's a good one (obviously). And no, I meant hole card, as in "your ace in the hole." I thought Lee suggested a great final line, something about a downhill slide or something? What was it? LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Switching from "your" to "my", I could run withMy carnival, that tempting downhill slideIf I drop "tempting", then I could squeeze in an "oh" and run withMy carnival, oh that downhill slide/rideI prefer "ride" personally, I think "slide" plays into the carnival imagery a hair too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 My carnival, that tempting downhill slide My carnival, oh that downhill slide Either one is good. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Either one is good. LCK You prefer "slide", or am I reading too much into it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 You prefer "slide", or am I reading too much into it? I do prefer slide. That's why I didn't include "ride" in my quote. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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