Members Oswlek Posted February 14, 2013 Author Members Share Posted February 14, 2013 Oswlek wrote: I passed this through a while back and got pretty far along, but let it drift away before the final coat of polish was applied. Here are the lyrics and a demo, with some additional details beneath. http://picosong.com/wnY9 - please be aware a few lines are sung differently. The text below is more up-to-date. V1You wake up on the couch againAll stiff and sore, the TV spinningThe same old tune it played the night beforeV2It's haunted you since your high school daysYou never could get your poor ass laidAnd you played the game like a total God damned foolV3So you hitch to the first girl who gaveA token shred of appreciationBut now she's gone and you don't know what to doCSo you crawl out of bedAnd grab a cigaretteAnd you try to clear your headV4Your friends they try to fix you upJust play it cool and have some funHey! I've got the perfect girl for youV5Another day you still don't phoneIt's just as well you've always knownShe's too good for you anyway Questionable areas are in red 1) "Hitch to" sounds too much like marriage, which isn't exactly what I meant to say. I suppose it could be taken that way, and maybe it is even stronger if it involves a divorce, but it's really just about putting too much faith in that first love. 2) I really wanted to convey that she wasn't the right person in the first place, but am struggling to say that within one line (or perhaps two with a rewrite of the "hitch" line). Right now it is too up-in-the-air why she is gone. 3) "She's too good" - is supposed to convey that ALL girls are too good, a serious lack of self-worth and confidence, but I don't think it quite pulled it off. At the very least, is it clear that "she" is the woman his friends are setting him up with? Some additional thoughts * Marshall was looking for some more clarity in the chorus, the root of the matter, but I can't pull it off. I'm open to a rewrite if offered some specific direction, but a simple nudge isn't going to be enough at this point.Alright, I did some searching and I was able to dig it up. As I wrote in the "Deprivation" thread, I've been going through the archives for tunes to work on until the next writing spell arives, and I had a minor epiphany listening to this one. I don't think I will ever be able to solve Marshall's problem with the chorus, but I think if I just snip the the third stanza of V1 off (called V3 here), the tune will be much better. It will resolve the clarity issues of "she's too good" since no other female character is introduced and it will get the chorus quicker. I have to admit that I really like the idea of the third stanza, but I think the song is better without it.Am I wrong?------------------------------------------------http://picosong.com/wnY9/V1You wake up on the couch againAll stiff and sore, the TV spinningThe same old tune it played the night before V2It's haunted you since your high school daysYou never could get your poor ass laidAnd you played the game like a total God damned fool V3 (deleted)So you hitch to the first girl who gaveA token shred of appreciationBut now she's gone and you don't know what to do CSo you crawl out of bedAnd grab a cigaretteAnd you try to clear your head V4Your friends they try to fix you upJust play it cool and have some funHey! I've got the perfect girl for you V5Another day you still don't phoneIt's just as well you've always knownShe's too good for you anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 14, 2013 Members Share Posted February 14, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Oswlek wrote: I passed this through a while back and got pretty far along, but let it drift away before the final coat of polish was applied. Here are the lyrics and a demo, with some additional details beneath. http://picosong.com/wnY9 - please be aware a few lines are sung differently. The text below is more up-to-date. V1You wake up on the couch againAll stiff and sore, the TV spinningThe same old tune it played the night beforeV2It's haunted you since your high school daysYou never could get your poor ass laidAnd you played the game like a total God damned foolV3So you hitch to the first girl who gaveA token shred of appreciationBut now she's gone and you don't know what to doCSo you crawl out of bedAnd grab a cigaretteAnd you try to clear your headV4Your friends they try to fix you upJust play it cool and have some funHey! I've got the perfect girl for youV5Another day you still don't phoneIt's just as well you've always knownShe's too good for you anyway Questionable areas are in red 1) "Hitch to" sounds too much like marriage, which isn't exactly what I meant to say. I suppose it could be taken that way, and maybe it is even stronger if it involves a divorce, but it's really just about putting too much faith in that first love. 2) I really wanted to convey that she wasn't the right person in the first place, but am struggling to say that within one line (or perhaps two with a rewrite of the "hitch" line). Right now it is too up-in-the-air why she is gone. 3) "She's too good" - is supposed to convey that ALL girls are too good, a serious lack of self-worth and confidence, but I don't think it quite pulled it off. At the very least, is it clear that "she" is the woman his friends are setting him up with? Some additional thoughts * Marshall was looking for some more clarity in the chorus, the root of the matter, but I can't pull it off. I'm open to a rewrite if offered some specific direction, but a simple nudge isn't going to be enough at this point. Alright, I did some searching and I was able to dig it up. As I wrote in the "Deprivation" thread, I've been going through the archives for tunes to work on until the next writing spell arives, and I had a minor epiphany listening to this one. I don't think I will ever be able to solve Marshall's problem with the chorus, but I think if I just snip the the third stanza of V1 off (called V3 here), the tune will be much better. It will resolve the clarity issues of "she's too good" since no other female character is introduced and it will get the chorus quicker. I have to admit that I really like the idea of the third stanza, but I think the song is better without it. Am I wrong? ------------------------------------------------http://picosong.com/wnY9/ V1 You wake up on the couch again All stiff and sore, the TV spinning The same old tune it played the night before V2 It's haunted you since your high school days You never could get your poor ass laid And you played the game like a total God damned fool V3 (deleted) So you hitch to the first girl who gave A token shred of appreciation But now she's gone and you don't know what to do C So you crawl out of bed And grab a cigarette And you try to clear your head V4 Your friends they try to fix you up Just play it cool and have some fun Hey! I've got the perfect girl for you V5 Another day you still don't phone It's just as well you've always known She's too good for you anywayI don't see anything wrong with it at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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