Members LordBTY Posted December 11, 2013 Members Share Posted December 11, 2013 Gonna rewrite again. Watch this space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted December 11, 2013 Members Share Posted December 11, 2013 I'm always wary about commenting on a lyric without it's supporting music, because often words that don't work well on the page, seem to work in the song.Anyway..........The 1st thing that jumped out was 'gentle cheek' - I'm not sure how a cheek can be gentle.The 2nd thing that is inyerface is the line 'The primal passion of open thighs'.And when read, the word 'fine' appears in verses, pre-chorus and chorus. It feels overused. Maybe it would be better preserved for impact.Anyway, as I said, that's what I get reading the lyric. None of these points may be relevant when it is sung.The idea is good - I just think it needs to be taken a step further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted December 11, 2013 Members Share Posted December 11, 2013 just one little thing - "smelt" is a different word than "smelled". The actual definition of "smelt" has to do with melting iron ore to separate the constituents, or else a small fish of some sort.... not what you intended.... but a good start - pretty ambitious. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 12, 2013 Members Share Posted December 12, 2013 oldgitplayer wrote: I'm always wary about commenting on a lyric without it's supporting music, because often words that don't work well on the page, seem to work in the song. I agree. I found it a bit artificial-sounding overall. A little too "writery" in spots. Sorry.But that could change with the right music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted December 12, 2013 Author Members Share Posted December 12, 2013 Thank you so much, guys! I have made adjustments, but I'm not happy with it yet. Gimme a day or two to rethink this. Appreciate it, genuinely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted December 12, 2013 Members Share Posted December 12, 2013 In my best Inigo Montoya voice: "You keep using that word...I do not think it is as interesting as you think it is.""Fine" is such a blah/overused/meaningless word by itself, that you're really left hanging the song on the phrase "things really aren't fine." (Even this isn't that interesting - how about "No Way You're Fine" or "Found Out You're Not Fine.") *Then* you dilute the title by using "fine" in a bunch of other other contexts. It's almost how companies protect brand usage - you have to do the same with your title. The other thing is that while you have an interesting story, you do a lot of vague telling, not enough showing:He knows about me.How I make you feel [how?]The spark is fresh and so unreal [how is it unreal, what does that mean?]But now he knows,it's been revealed [redundant] That things aren't really fine. [vague] Hope this helps - a lot good foundation here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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