Please critique this worship song

Here's a little worship song I wrote (based on Psalm 5). Let me know what you think...

You Alone

by Brian Cheetham

Hear my prayer, oh Lord,

hear my prayer

Let me lie down,

in Your care

Show me mercy,

fill me with joy

Shine Your light upon us here

Draw us close and keep us near

Chorus:

In You alone there is safety

In You alone we can sleep

In You, my God, there is mercy

Draw me close, don?t ever let me go.

[intro]

[Repeat]

I'm not really a writer in your style as far as subject matter is concerned but I can point out a couple of structural things. Remember that rules are often made to be understood before they are broken at times..........here goes....

Every word should count for something. Don't waste words or use throw-aways. Every word should add to the song's development and help tell something new. I wouldn't have repeated "hear my prayer" in the first 2 lines.

The rhyming pattern of the first pair of lines is at the end of the second and fourth line. The fifth and sixth line don't rhyme with anything. Then the seventh and eigth line rhyme. You shouldn't really switch patterns in midstream like that.

In the chorus, you restate "mercy" which is already in the verse. The same thing with "draw me close". Already been there.

You also changed the rhyme pattern in the chorus to the end of the first and third lines. Really should stick with one pattern (most of the time)

Hope you don't take this the wrong way.....only trying to help. It's tough critiqing others....I'm my own worst critic as well. It usually ends up for the better, tho.....

"Shine Your light upon us here

Draw us close and keep us near"

that is very overused in praise songs... however it could be perfect for the kind of music or the message that is being put across. it just depends, but when writing praise songs, remember to try to think of something a little bit original while maintaining an easy set of lyrics so that will stick in the congregations head. the catchiness can also be achieved in the music and the melodies. i love the chorus, and i would think of a different name because there is already a song called you alone. so keep up the good work!

Thanks, man.

Yeah, that part of the lyric is bordering on cliche'. Though it really fits the melody.

I tried to attach an MP3 to my post so you guys could hear it, but you can only attach images (kinda lame, if you ask me).

I put a VERY rough demo of the song at: http://members.bellatlantic.net/~vze28kmw/YouAlone.mp3

Anyways, thanks for the feedback...I'll keep searching for some fresher words to put there. After all, unless I land a record deal and cut an album (LOL!), my songs are never "done."

--Riff:)

Thanks for the detailed feedback. You obviously put a lot of thought into it. That's cool. I appreciate the honest feedback.

Most of the lyric is based on Psalm 5, so I'll just blame King David for what you don't like about it. Just kidding...

I think without hearing the song, it's hard to see that the changes in rhyming pattern were intentional and work very well within the melody. But you're right... a lot of people just break "the rules" carelessly cuz they don't understand them.

I put a VERY rough demo of the song at: http://members.bellatlantic.net/~vze28kmw/YouAlone.mp3

It's hard to say if something is good without hearing it. Song writing shouldn't be put through a literary critique. Just write something that tries to express what you want to express, especially in worship.