If you have time, give some feedback...

I get enough enjoyment out of looking at the Songwriting forum that I thought it was time to contribute something myself.

This tune has been knocking around in my head for a while, and I'd like to get your opinions on it. The pacing of the song is slow, but I envision overdriven guitar during the verses, with comparatively lighter breaks between. Keyboards should be in there as well - maybe something weird for the chorus. The idea is still in its infancy, so I'd be happy to hear any recommendations.

Thanks ahead of time!

"Off We Went"

v1

Through the forest see the trees

Avert the tragedy

Just leave well enough alone

Watching you watching me

You make it look so easy

Let's just take it slow

v2

My ship has finally run aground

The surf is strong and loud

It crashes on your shore

Flying through the atmosphere

The stars are nowhere near

But closer than before

Chorus

I can feel it coming on

Like a humming in my head

You said you and I belong

And off we went

v3

Late night lost and found

Keep driving me around

We're never going home

Looking out rolling past

Damage done the end at last

We are alone

Chorus

I can feel it coming on

Like a humming in my head

You said you and I belong

And off we went

its got an interesting rhythm to it and theres some good lines in there, the 1st line of the first 2 verses kinna strike me wrong though, seem kinna forced

The cadence isn't too bad,, but is very unusual going with 6 lines per verse and 4 for the chorus...

What type of tune are you looking at? And what genre?

That will make a difference.

Good Luck.

Alwayz MisBhavin