Alright I'm ready for critique!

I wrote these in 11th grade which was six years ago and I am using them again today. I wish I could post the song that goes with them, but I don't have a site or anything. Here we go... the song is called: DEAD CHILD. You should be able to figure out what it is about. Please tell me your favorite and most unfavorite parts.

Title: DEAD CHILD

Dry your tears little girl

I'll take you to a place

called yesterday

To your time of laughter

when there was a place

in your heart to stay

When blood was of colorful dreams

the dreams where your mind

would play

So darling close your eyes

and sleep away the pains

of today

-whoa ho! (loud singing)

WHAT IS WRONG

THERE'S TOO MUCH RAIN

TOO MANY LIES

CANT STOP THE PAIN

BLINDED BY

THE DISTANT GLARE

THROUGH THE GLASS

OF YOUR NIGHTMARE!

(soft singing)

From the darkness I come alive

and show my face

in the reverie

Tell you truth of the lies

that made your little heart

a transparency

Now take a walk in my world

and once again you will

be living free

colors filling your heart again

with the hue

of memory

-whoa HO! (loud singing)

LIVING IN

TRANSPARENCY

IN THE WORLD

OF REVERIE

TAKING WITH YOU

MEMORY

OF THE PLACE

WHERE YOU RAN FREE

-(soft vocals/chorus)

Why do you stay

they set your life astray

inside your mind you play

Yesterday

you had so much to say

how could you throw

it all away...

(instrumental part for a while then chorus again)

Why do you stay...

(Then loud closing chorus at climactic closing riff)

WHER'VE YOU GONE

DEAD CHILD

'BETTER RUN FROM ME

FOR I AM NOW

YOUR NIGHTMARE

YOU SET ME FREE

I"M ALIVE

SO YOU WILL NEVER SEE

YOU'RE HIDING IN THE DARKNESS

(whispery) ...thats me.

again

WHER'VE YOU GONE...

I wish I could hear the tune as well, but that's cool. Parts of it when reading it I felt I almost could tell how it flowed. The first loud section, rain and pain just don't do it for me anymore. That's my own personal thing though. The minute I see/hear the word "rain" in a song I assume "pain" is coming up. Try to surprise the listener.

I enjoy how you let me know what's loud and soft. Volume contrast is a very good thing to have in a band. Many bands have one volume...LOUD! Use dynamics and it will make you sound even better. Well done.

Dig the 'reverie' and 'transperency' rhyme. Nice. Not sure if I dig the repetition of the verse in the loud section.

The soft vocals chorus, another small thing, but I try to stay away from writing things that say the way you rhyme today with the ending '--ay'. But still, that's just me.

I really like the loud part at end how you have it ending with a whisper, really good way to close out the tune also.

Isn't it fun to find or pull out things you wrote years ago. Did you change anything from when you had written it in 11th grade? Improvements?

I hope this was constructive for you, and keep up the good work.Oz.

Yeah, I see what you mean about the rain and pain thing. I probably wouldn't have done that now, I guess I could change it -but I'll have to think about how. Yeah it has changed since then -My favorite part -the last LOUD chorus... well, it isnt there. These lyrics have been in 3 different songs. Each one seemed to have at least one part taken out. When we wrote the latest version of this song. There wasnt a part for those lyrics. I'm gonna try and figure out a way to put that part back in though. The guitar riff that my guitarist wrote for the first LOUD CHORUS thing or whatever has an absolutely amazing riff. It is great working with such an accomplished musician. If you have any more suggestions... feel free. Thanks for the constructive criticism! -Rick

the tune is very well organized, I can tell u've put some good time into it. Your lyrics flow very well and I could probably take these lyrics and write a song around em. The use of dynamics also is very well placed. All around a good song. I think that it'd b better if u made the chorus and verses more identifiable but otherwise I can't find much to change.