A song called Garden State

I just finished a recording of this song that I've been in the process of wrting for about 8 months. It has gone through quite a few changes and had finally taken on a form I"m happy with. I would love it if someone could critique it for me. I am hopeing to put it on a home recorded EPDemo for possible distrobution at Open Mic kind of things. So, don't worry to much about sound quality, just the music. Audio is at: neverender.dmusic.com

Here is the lyrics:

Garden State

In the cold, you can see your breath

As you lean into the doorway

Escape the cold, sharp wind

A wind as sharp as the words se said

The words she said

To you:

Do the drugs dull your pain?

Do they bring you up,

Or force you down?

Do they bind you?

Like a woman

Binds her feet to keep them small

To cripple them

To the will of an oppressive master

You're never as happy as you used to be

But you never used to be happy

Are you happy now?

Comments would be awesome.

Audio can be found at: neverender.dmusic.com

OK, I couldn't really discern a hook. It seems kinda monotonously droning. I think you're going for darkly brooding but I don't quite think you made it, at least not yet.

Also, I would work on the vocals and the production. Better production qualities make it easier for others to assess and appreciate the song.

Not bad but needs work in my opinion.

Thanks for the listen!

Thanks for the feedback. As far as production quality goes, I have really, really sucky equipment. This is about as good as it's going to get right now. The only thing I could fix production wise is the clipping on the guitar. It's caused by my pickup being held in by superglue. Hmm, I reallize that there's not really a hook, but it's not really that kind of song. The brooding thing is more the sound it should have. As the title tells, the inspiration for this song was the movie Garden State. If you haven't seen it, it doesn't matter, but I was trying to capture the inside of the lead characters mind somewhat. He's back in his hometown, see's something missing in himself, and is trying to fill it. In the song, he's brooding on things she's told him, and wondering what's really wrong with his life. I guess it might need a bit of work to drive home that point.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Stephen

that movie was heavy.

your song fits right in.