Song I Couldn't Write

Song I wrote for my wife. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

http://www.myspace.com/jeremywebbman

Song I Couldn't Write

Lyrics:

All is lost in a chorus line

that betrays the rhyme of your heart

Words traced along a pattern verse...

that's the biggest curse, I promise

All it seems you need is a drink

a 4/4 speed, but that's not all

Throw away cliches and contradictions

made to catch you when you fall

There's more than just a couple chords on the line

That's why your song is the one I couldn't write

Strings fall upon a neck so fair

Like the way your hair remains

but song can't describe the picture in your eyes

My reflection when you cry happy

Slow down the rhythm boys...

Maybe she'll prefer a waltz tonight

I wish that every bar I played could tell her

everything will be alright

There's more than just a couple of chords

that's on the line

That's why your song was the one I couldn't write.

I like it, the melody is unique and the chord progression grabs the attention. The lyrics are certainly something any songwriter can relate with, but are done well enough that most "common" folk can empathize as well.

I don't like the guitar pauses in the final verse lines. In the middle, those stutters do a nice job of breaking things up and letting the song restart. Heading into the chorus, however, they break the momentum and keep you from hitting it full force.

Yeah... It always starts out so nice? Then she takes 1/2 your stuff and your kids? You end up paying through the nose every check? While she's living it up with her new boyfriend? The pool boy? He sports his ball cap "proudly" emblazoned boldly with his signature statement "BOOTY HUNTER" as if to taunt you?

And you wind up unemployed and unemployable? On welfare? Alienated from your own children, a victim and target of the legal system? In and out of half way houses? Until destitute and desperate you take a swan dive off of the tallest building in your home town with a note around your neck saying,