Members grace_slick Posted April 19, 2011 Members Share Posted April 19, 2011 Well, I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 19, 2011 Members Share Posted April 19, 2011 It's a good start. I like it. Two words kind of stuck out for me, enfeebled and succumb. They don't seem to fit with the rest of it, but since this is a first draft, that's no big deal. The chorus, or whatever you want to call it (down came the rain ... I hopped aboard a train...) is quite nice, and could probably anchor the whole song. Instead of "atop my head held high," I might try something different to give the sense that she's not about to be stopped by the weather, that she's determined to re-connect with this person. Down came the rain,So what? I don't mind... Down came the rainI'm not gonna hide... ??? I'd like to see how you develop it, musically too. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted April 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 19, 2011 Mmm. Yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted April 19, 2011 Members Share Posted April 19, 2011 I like it. I like succumb. I like it all. Sing it, mama. PS - (Enfeebled could just be "Feeble as I am," I suppose. Depends on what you're doing rhythmically) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 19, 2011 Members Share Posted April 19, 2011 I love songs about the rain. Rain makes me happy. the chorus could use clarification specifically... My destination clearI could not deviateTo get to you, my dearI hope it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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