And Oh So Lovely

UPDATE 1/2/2012. THREAD CLOSED. THANKS FOR THE HELP!

This a personal song for my wife's birthday. So, the lyrics are written a bit specific to our situation. But I still want them to be good.

And Oh So Lovely

©2011 Rick Dieffenbach

And Oh So Lovely

V1: When I first ran into you

We didn

Nice piece of music Rick. Vaguely familiar but still nice.

Here are some lyric suggestions:

Verse 3 makes sense - all 3 lines are interlinked into a single meaning.

Verses 1 & 2 however are somewhat disjointed. Maybe these 2 lines could be looked at:

When I first ran into you

We didn

Excellent tune and lyric. This should score you big brownie points with the wife.

To echo OGP, the only part of the lyric I don't really like is "going to infinity." It makes me think of Buzz Lightyear. I'm not sure I like the "security" suggestion either. It sounds pretty utilitarian in an otherwise romantic song. There are lots of other "e" ryhme words to choose from, though I'm not sure whether you can get away with a one-syllable "e" rhyme, or if you need to rhyme the whole "ity" part. You might want to play around with that and see what works.

I also think you need to add another verse (or two?). Something that fills in the huge space between age 16 and age silver-haired.

And finally, I would end the song with another repetition of the chorus, but maybe that's just my personal preference.

OldGit - thank you for the lyrical suggestions. The first one is spot on. And what's really cool about that is that I get why your version is better!! I am starting to learn how to see.

Your 2nd lyical suggestion is the same as what I have now?

OldGit and Monkey: In my mind, "going to infinity" meant that we are going to be dust together in the universe for as long as there is a universe.

... but it never dawned on me about the Toy Story thing. I should have realized that, loved all of those movies. I think pretty much using "infinity" to connote some kind of moving or transporting action (in my cause, moving in time) is off the table for a long time to come; they own that (not legally.. but associatively). So I'll have to remove it and think of what I want to say there.

THANK YOU both... for picking that one up.. I walked right past it.

Rick

Nice tune. Pretty, somewhat familiar-sounding, yet not plagiarized.

I don't see "going to infinity" as a problem. That said, if you want to keep that sentiment you can just use a different verb: "headed to infinity..." or "trav'ling to infinity..."

I don't think "security" is a good replacement. Same goes for "eternity."

I agree with OGP though about the 1st and 2nd verses.

LCK

Thanks LCK. I have made some lyrical changes to the written lyrics,. The demo is still the same.

I think the familiarity comes from the chord sequence of the verses. A couple of old songs I can think of use a similar down-the scale chord sequence. I developed the melody first, then a single finger chord to match, then the full chords to match the melody, by ear. I don't even know the names of the chords yet! I just sounded them out. (an experiment for me.. )

One of the songs is "hooked on a feeling" from the 70's (a fast song) and another is one of the carpenter songs, Rainy Days And Mondays. Hopefully my melody is unique. It doesn't go near either of those songs. If I find out it's not, I will pull the song. Any relation was not intentional.

Rick