Child of the Radio - something here?

I posted the lyrics a while ago, but never got around to demoing it because, franky, I wasn't good enough at the keyboards to pull it off. Probably still not, but what the hell?

http://picosong.com/wwvW - please be patient with me. I'm not a keyboard player, which throws off my singing and timing. I'm actually surprised there is only one eggregious key mistake, right at the beginning of the coda after the final refrain.

It is an abstract autobiography about how much music shaped my life as a child (and an adult). Does it work? If not, what needs fixing?

Originally there was another verse prior to the outro refrain

I like the come-back-to-start aspect of it, but I kept getting stuck on how to fit it in melodically. After the slow down at the start of V2 and the "avalanche" kick start, it just felt like it was getting in the way. If I slowed down again it was akward. If I kept the same pacing, it took too long to get to the refrain, if I climbed even higher then there was nowhere left to go.

Does one stanza feel adequate? If not, any ideas on how to squeeze it in?

I am also asking for any layering ideas, as this is beyond my normal scope.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

I like it the way it is. I don't think you need a 4th verse.

This has a lot of potential. There are some spots where your voice isn't convinced of that, though.

Keep playing with it. Structurally it's good, it just needs a little more definition in those spots.

LCK

I like the first two verses... I think the third verse needs to take the listener somewhere else... because, as you told me yesterday, it's more of the same. Maybe the last verse can focus on the child now being an adult? A slight twist of perspective to move the song forward?

I don't know if I 'get' the chorus (assuming the Did I get you on the way down part is the chorus).

(BTW, didn't get a chance to listen yet).

I've worried about the potential disconnent between the verses and refrain, but try as I might I can't figure out anything else to say.

I hear you about V3, but listen first. You might feel differently.

Live take, unfamiliar instrument, short on time, vocals will suck.

Are you talking about the high notes at the end of each verse? Or the drawn out stuff in the refrain?

Edit: Glad to hear you like it, Lee, and that the absence of the 4th verse works.

I like the structure as is.

I think you might have some mixing metaphors in the 3rd verse. The serenade is part of the avalanche which I don't see lifting one off the ground. I love the imagery and would like to see it more cohesive.

Maybe you could make it about shaking the ground. If you wanted to, you could pull something from the verse you cut.

Buried in the audio

An avalanche of sound

Surrender to the serenade that

Steals your will and shakes the ground

Thanks Ryan, good point, I'll ponder that...

I just think that anyplace where your voice feels uncertain it may be that the melody isn't solid there yet.

LCK

You would think, but it really is just my inabilities. I've got the melody down to the point where I tracked it on the piano as a guide when I develop this.

I came to a realization yesterday. I downloaded the raw tracks to a song that I really, REALLY love by a local artist (through Weathervane Music's Shaking Through series). I love everything about the way the singer sounds on this song. When I listened to the individual tracks, particularly the vocals, I realized that the singer is not an exceptionally amazing singer.... but he's REALLY good at double-tracking vocals, which really fattens them up and produces that, well... double-tracked vocal sound (which I'm quite fond of).

The song I speak of is here and the awe-inspiring video of the making of the song is below.

[video=vimeo;27504331]

Point is... not all of us are natural born singers. Myself being a prime example. If we can work with what we've got and be smart about it, we just might make something cool.

I had a similar revelation when hearing this:

[video=youtube;IArxakPsPE0]

I kinda wanted the song to be in the past tense. It's melancholy, musically, like an innocence lost. You know:

Child of the radio

Did you hear it all?

The beauty in the melody

Felt the rise and then, then the fall?

You lived your life in stereo

With your headphones on

Every word, every note

Cradled you and then, then it was gone

. . . , something like that.

I like that... then the third verse can be present tense relating to the child of the past.

Oswlek,

For my generation, the "Child of the radio" was an instant hook. Your words describe the feeling I remember when I discovered the magic of music on the radio to a "T". This was before CD's, when cassettes where all the rage. Radio gave me the first insight that there was a world out side the border of my rural town of 500 people. Thank you for creating music that helped me remember that long forgotten time.

Like the accompaniment. Style almost reminds me of Supertramp.

This is an absolutely beautiful song - the melody, the words, the chords, the music. It's a Wow, and has just been placed in my sacred directory called "Amazing Songs by Amazingly Talented People". You are song #4 in a directory started last summer.

You need to double back and rerecord this aiming for higher production values... and when you are finished, please repost it so we can hear.

Rick

Wow, thanks for the compliment, Rick. Reading your commnet made my morning because that was precisely what I was going for.

Marshall, Justin and Ryan, would this minor rewrite suit your needs?

I also considered "take/break your will" to get a internal rhyme, but it doesn't sing as well.

Wow.

This is already a very good song. I wouldn't change much.

Love what you do with the keys on ".....avalanche".

Not so sure about changing the tense. () as I think the past and the present merge quite well in a song like this.

Maybe some gentle acoustic guitar chording on the other side with some inward folding echoes for a real stereo image. Keep it simple. I really like what you do with your voice....fearless.

Keep singing it, as Lee said, and this is going to be a good one.

The only thing that can buy my contentment is large sums of cash . . . ,

But I think you're doing fine.