Members stickboymusic Posted March 28, 2016 Members Share Posted March 28, 2016 Here is something I just came out with - rough as hell...just a rough one take recording to get the idea down Not sure if im going to write a chorus yet or just make it interesting musically Thoughts? https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/never-to-return-only-to-be-live-rough-demo Never To Return (only To Be) Blood red blood red on yellow daubYour hand's a bleeding arrow in the cornYour feet like fleeting silver from the stormPull the stars from the skies and mourn. Black line black lines etched in the sandWhispering the secrets of the landThey tell you that you'll never understandTrace the lines upon the palm of your hand Sea green sea green oh sing to theeAn endless serenade in minor keyA desolate and haunting melodyFree yourself and sink into the seaNever to return only to bethe ebb and flow of someones memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 28, 2016 Members Share Posted March 28, 2016 Well, it's quite spectacular as the start of something. And strong enough to keep as is. The only thing that felt awkward (or whatever) is "the palm of your hand..." The rhythm of that line feels a bit forced to me. I'm getting more and more certain that you're related to Donovan. There must be some shared strands of DNA... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 29, 2016 Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 Definitely a strong connection to Mr Leitch there Mr Stickboy. I think it has a good feel to it.The only thing that jumped out at me as being out of place was the line 'An endless serenade in minor key'The verses are rich in metaphor, and the mention of the minor key suddenly sounded technical. How about: Sea green sea green oh sing to theeAn endless serenade flows in to meA desolate and haunting melody Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 29, 2016 Author Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 Yeh thanks guys - still needs a few tweaks lyrically and a bit more structure but at least it's something....that was my first battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted March 29, 2016 Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 Hm. It's terrific music, and I envy your singing voice. But for the words, yes, tweaks are in order, and yes, a carefully considered chorus would help. Some song writers say that the job of the chorus is to reveal the real point of a song, and with what's there so far, I'm having trouble hooking the images together to understand what you're saying. Red, black, and green: an African flag? (But then there's that yellow daub. . . .) A bleeding hand pointing at a cornfield on a beach? And then the singer drowns himself? To be free of something? So is it about loss of freedom? Or a lost love? Or depression? You're hot on the trail of something, but it needs to be pulled together somehow. If song writing is a battle for you, you think more about what your mission is with this song. That could point you toward your chorus. Could just be me. I could easily be missing something. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 29, 2016 Author Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 I hear you The song isn't really a "story" song more a theme and a feeling If I could just tie it together with a chorus though it may just add an extra dimension to it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 29, 2016 Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 This is great. The only line I thought needed attention was "whispering the secrets of the land." Ending on land felt rhyme driven. I'd also cut "the" from before secrets. But seeing as how you are looking for a chorus that ties things together that is more emotive than story telling, I think "whispering/whispered secrets" might be a nice phrase to start it with and build it around. Tying in the title 'never to return only to be" would also be nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted March 29, 2016 Members Share Posted March 29, 2016 I hear you The song isn't really a "story" song more a theme and a feeling If I could just tie it together with a chorus though it may just add an extra dimension to it Yup! You've nailed the feeling. The theme is what isn't quite reaching me yet. Some songs are deliberately obscure, like "I Am the Walrus" and "China Cat Sunflower." But this one seems to actually be shooting for accessible meaning (not story, just meaning), so I think you might enjoy nudging it along some more, see where it goes. Your instinct about adding a chorus could be right on the money. Keep up the good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2016 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2016 I don't think it's finished yet and has turned into more of a soundscape What do you think? https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/never-to-return-only-to-be-v2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2016 Members Share Posted April 13, 2016 Fantastic. Very nice. I did notice that the descending line "free yourself and sink into the sea" (etc.) is very similar to a melodic figure in "The Birds." Just thought you'd like to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2016 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2016 I'm inspired by the greats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted May 17, 2016 Members Share Posted May 17, 2016 Here is something I just came out with - rough as hell...just a rough one take recording to get the idea down Not sure if im going to write a chorus yet or just make it interesting musically Thoughts? https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/neve...ive-rough-demo Never To Return (only To Be) Blood red blood red on yellow daub Your hand's a bleeding arrow in the corn Your feet like fleeting silver from the storm Pull the stars from the skies and mourn. Black line black lines etched in the sand Whispering the secrets of the land They tell you that you'll never understand Trace the lines upon the palm of your hand Sea green sea green oh sing to thee An endless serenade in minor key A desolate and haunting melody Free yourself and sink into the sea Never to return only to be the ebb and flow of someones memory. The last line ties it together fine for me...AAA form...nothing wrong with that. Chorus not needed. You are so musically gifted that you really don't need peoples help but I sure do enjoy me some Stickboy music. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into your process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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