Members LCK Posted November 11, 2015 Members Share Posted November 11, 2015 The last three lines of this came to me out of nowhere the other night. I just jotted down a "dummy" lyric this morning. The music is still forming in my mind, though for now it's sounding a lot like . "Someone to Dream About" If I awakeas the day starts to breakand stare into spacewith a smile on my faceit’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you. If I standwith the keys in my handand I seemto be lost in a dreamit’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you. I admit that it’s lonelyto dream of you only,but what can I do?For how can one live withoutsomeone to dream about?For me that someone is you. Words & Music © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 11, 2015 Members Share Posted November 11, 2015 Good stuff. In the second verse I'd like to see you tie in the keys more. That's a cool image, and you kind of do it with "lost," but I'd like to see you go further with image. I'm not sure how to do it, but the picture I have is your aimlessly wandering around a parking lot not sure where you parked or which car is yours but it doesn't really matter because you don't know how to get to that person anyway. How you fit that into two lines I have no idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 12, 2015 Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 Good start as usual.I disagree with Ryan - in my book the 1st two verses work just fine.The 1st two lines of the Bridge however don't make immediate sense. I had to read them a few times to get your intended meaning.I see you mean that you have to dream in place of the reality of her. I however, read it to mean that its lonely to be dreaming only about you (and not others).Do you think this ambiguity can be tidied up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 The 1st two lines of the Bridge however don't make immediate sense. I had to read them a few times to get your intended meaning. I see you mean that you have to dream in place of the reality of her. I however, read it to mean that its lonely to be dreaming only about you (and not others). Do you think this ambiguity can be tidied up? I don't know. Looking at it now, I have no idea what it means. Place holder words? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 A few little changes... "Someone to Dream About" Intro.I admit that it’s lonelyto dream of you only.But what's there to do? For how can one live withoutsomeone to dream about?For me that someone is you. 1.If I awakebefore day starts to breakwith eyes all aglaze,and my head's in a dazeit’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.What else can I dobut keep on dreaming? 2.And if I should standwith the keys still in my handas I stare at the doorfor five minutes or more,it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.What else can I dobut go on dreaming? Words & Music © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted November 12, 2015 Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 Wow, this is great - super tight, great craft. I almost don't want to comment yet, would hate to interrupt the flow. I too would like to know what's going in with the keys, how about: If I standwith the keys in my handand sway to and frowith nowhere to goit’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you. I agree also the bridge feels incomplete, maybe reveal what's going on here - you've never met, she's a character in a book, she's left and not coming back, dunno. Strong stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 Wow, this is great - super tight, great craft. I almost don't want to comment yet, would hate to interrupt the flow. I too would like to know what's going in with the keys, how about: If I stand with the keys in my hand and sway to and fro with nowhere to go it’s probably true I’ve been dreaming of you. I agree also the bridge feels incomplete, maybe reveal what's going on here - you've never met, she's a character in a book, she's left and not coming back, dunno. Strong stuff. That's nice, the "nowhere to go, but "sway to and fro" reminds me a little of Sondheim's "not going left, not going right," in his song, "Losing My Mind." But I like "nowhere to go..." By the way, I've got the beginnings of a tune now too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 12, 2015 Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 Good start as usual. I disagree with Ryan - in my book the 1st two verses work just fine. The 1st two lines of the Bridge however don't make immediate sense. I had to read them a few times to get your intended meaning. I see you mean that you have to dream in place of the reality of her. I however, read it to mean that its lonely to be dreaming only about you (and not others). Do you think this ambiguity can be tidied up? I didn't mean to imply the second verse didn't work. I just thought it might work better I really like the changes. "Nowhere to go..." is nice, but "stare at the door for five minutes more" is great too. Only thing that sticks out to me now as maybe needing attention is the word one in "how can one live without you." It's probably a personal preference thing but it seems more like prose than song to me. An idea, what if you used the intro as a chorus? I admit that it’s lonely to dream of you only. But what's there to do? If I awake before day starts to break with eyes all aglaze, and my head's in a daze it’s probably true I’ve been dreaming of you. What else can I do but keep on dreaming? I admit that it’s lonely to dream of you only. But what's there to do? For how can one live without someone to dream about? For me that someone is you. And if I should stand with the keys still in my hand as I stare at the door for five minutes or more, it’s probably true I’ve been dreaming of you. What else can I do but go on dreaming? I admit that it’s lonely to dream of you only. But what's there to do? For how can one live without someone to dream about? For me that someone is you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 Maybe this... 1.If I awakenbefore the birdsand I’m overtakenby thoughts without wordsit’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.What else can I dobut keep on dreaming? 2.And should I stand therekeys in the doorand leave my hand therefive minutes or more,it’s probably trueI’m dreaming of you.What else can I dobut go on dreaming? CodaFor how can one live withoutsomeone to dream about?For me that someone is you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 12, 2015 Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 I wouldn't change v1 from post #5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 12, 2015 Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 ^^^ This time I agree with Ryan……. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 12, 2015 ^^^ This time I agree with Ryan……..png' alt='16x16_smiley-wink.png.ac1518ec0dabe458f31c1303ed9ec588.png' alt='smiley-wink'>.png'> Glazed and dazed? Yeah, I don't like that after all. Plus, I've changed the rhyme scheme. Still working out the kinks, though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 13, 2015 I'm not happy with the first verse. (I've used the awaken/mistaken rhyme before.) But here's the latest incarnation. "Someone to Dream About" Intro.I admit that it’s lonelyjust to dream of you only.But by now you should knowI’m no good at letting go… 1.When I awakenwith your voice in my earbut find I’m mistakento think you’re still hereit’s probably trueI was dreaming of you.What else can I dobut keep on dreaming? 2.And if I just stand therewith my keys in the door,leaving my hand therefor five minutes or more,it’s probably trueI was dreaming of you.What else can I dobut go on dreaming? CodaFor what good is life withoutsomeone to dream about?For me that someone is you. Words & Music © 2015 Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 14, 2015 New direction... 1.If I forget what I was sayingor I cross against the light,and if orchestras keep playingin the middle of the night,then it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.Well, what else can I dobut keep on dreaming? 2.If I don’t notice that it’s raining,or leave my cell phone in a cab,if a barkeep keeps complaining“You already paid your tab,”then it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.Well, what else can I dobut go on dreaming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 14, 2015 The latest incarnation of this lyric... "Someone to Dream About" 1.If I forget what I was sayingif I cross against the light,if I hear orchestras playingin the middle of the night,then it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.Well, what else can I dobut keep on dreaming? 2.If I don’t notice that it’s raining,or leave my walleth in a cab,if a barkeep keeps complaining“You already paid your tab,”then it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.Well, what else can I dobut go on dreaming? (repeat first verse, musically) 3.If my friends all say it must stop,this constant thinking about us,if I’m waiting at a bus stopbut forget to board the bus,then it’s probably trueI’ve been dreaming of you.Well, what else can I dobut go on dreaming? CodaFor what good is life withoutsomeone to dream about?For me that someone is you. Words & Music © 2015 Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 16, 2015 Members Share Posted November 16, 2015 Wowza, I think the latest incarnation (is post #15) is good. I like all the specific examples. It seems as though it's evolved into a different song. I still think post #5 had something really special about it. Well crafted but seemingly effortless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted November 16, 2015 Wowza, I think the latest incarnation (is post #15) is good. I like all the specific examples. It seems as though it's evolved into a different song. I still think post #5 had something really special about it. Well crafted but seemingly effortless. Thanks! For me the problem with the earlier version is that it's made up of motifs I've already used in the past. I wanted to take a fresher angle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted November 16, 2015 Members Share Posted November 16, 2015 Thanks! For me the problem with the earlier version is that it's made up of motifs I've already used in the past. I wanted to take a fresher angle. That makes sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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