Members rickidoo Posted March 12, 2012 Members Share Posted March 12, 2012 I know what you are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 12, 2012 Members Share Posted March 12, 2012 Wrong - im thinking "wooo - another pop gem" gonna give it a listen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 12, 2012 Members Share Posted March 12, 2012 Great, great verses. The first three lines are concise, yet delivered with flair. I'm not sure about the phrasing of line #4 in either of the first two stanzas. In the second verse, you seemed more comfortable with the flow, and it showed. headache head How about "aching head"? On the second who they arewhy they Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Rick I listened to this song and instantly formed an opinion, but didn't write a response.I've come back now after a couple of hours and given it a 2nd listen, and I'm even more convinced. I'm hearing a good lyrical idea (that could be improved a little here and there)And I'm hearing a nice piece of musical backing and good vocal melody.But I don't think the dating agency is doing a good job pairing up this somewhat disparate couple. The music and vocal melody speaks to me of romance in fields with buttercups and butterflies, and a walk alongside a babbling brook with dappled sunlight falling on smiling faces. (OK - not that for a lyric, but that sort of positive vibe). You have written images of sleazy old men tucking dollar bills into lapdancers' G-strings. The fears and the escapes of people who can't cope. Booze and diversion from the negative tedium (crime) that represents their lives. Do you get my point? I think maybe you should separate this couple and write a new set of lyrics for this music, and some some different music for this lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Great, great verses. The first three lines are concise, yet delivered with flair. I'm not sure about the phrasing of line #4 in either of the first two stanzas. In the second verse, you seemed more comfortable with the flow, and it showed. How about "aching head"?On the second of each chorus, you pause, and I think it would sound great if you had a backing vox all response happenWho they are... (who they are)Why they're here... (why they're here)I just want the chorus fleshed out a little more and I think that would be a nice touch. Thanks Oswlek - LOVE the aching head idea. I will be adding that when I rerecord the vocals. I added an echo.. cool! Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Rick I listened to this song and instantly formed an opinion, but didn't write a response.I've come back now after a couple of hours and given it a 2nd listen, and I'm even more convinced.I'm hearing a good lyrical idea (that could be improved a little here and there)And I'm hearing a nice piece of musical backing and good vocal melody.But I don't think the dating agency is doing a good job pairing up this somewhat disparate couple.The music and vocal melody speaks to me of romance in fields with buttercups and butterflies, and a walk alongside a babbling brook with dappled sunlight falling on smiling faces. (OK - not that for a lyric, but that sort of positive vibe).You have written images of sleazy old men tucking dollar bills into lapdancers' G-strings. The fears and the escapes of people who can't cope. Booze and diversion from the negative tedium (crime) that represents their lives.Do you get my point? I think maybe you should separate this couple and write a new set of lyrics for this music, and some some different music for this lyric. OldGit - Thanks for the feedback. I'll give that some thought. Not that I wrote this based on personal experience... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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