The Under-Achieving Band Member Hall of Fame (Part 2)

By the Gig Kahuna

If you thought we had exhausted all possible Under-Achieving Band Member problems in Part 1... sorry—no. Those were mostly about ego issues, but then we have those band members who are just plain…well, lame.

Member Who Fails to Bring Some of His Gear

You know the guy. The drummer who forgot his pedals, the bassist who forgot his cable, the guitarist who broke a string and has no spare, and so the band conveniently can’t practice. Should you run into these problems members, send their sorry asses home to get what they need, or to the music store for strings. Not to be able to practice because some lame-ass doesn’t have such things with him at all times is inexcusable. Period.

Whiny Bitches

Picture this: You’re 90 percent of the way there in having a song down and ready to go. Then someone in the band whines, “can’t we come back to this song later?” “Later” never seems to come when you give in to such a dumb request. It’s counter-productive and it seems like you never get any songs completed from start to finish. Finish it.

Failure to Learn Material

Let’s say you’re auditioning bass players. You find a prospect, and give him a few of your songs to learn. He comes back a week later and…nothing. Didn’t even make an effort to learn at least a few bars. “Well, I thought we could just jam,” he says. This person has shown you right there he is useless dead weight. Send him home unless maybe you’re, say, a guitarist who is willing to hold his hand and show him his parts. But the problem with that is you might get that “nobody tells me what to play” response.

Failure to Show Up for Rehearsals, Meetings, Photo Shoots, etc.

This one is pretty common. This is the guy who doesn’t take the band seriously enough to be there when needed. And there’s always some excuse. What makes this problem even worse is you can’t get ahold of him. In fairness, he might have some honestly good reasons for not showing up like family matters, job hours that aren’t always favorable for him to be there, etc. But regardless of the reasons or excuses, you simply can’t have a fully functioning band that way, and he will have to go, unless you can work something out.

Drummer Who Can’t or Won’t Play to a Click

I know a lot of drummers might call for my head on this one, but this is another common problem. Many of them claim they don’t need a click or metronome. Wrong. It’s usually the same guy who can’t come out of a drum fill back on the count, or has serious metering issues. It’s a good idea for a band to do at least an occasional rehearsal with a click. A click is even more important when recording. Usually, any drummer who says he doesn’t need a click is really saying he doesn’t want the rest of the band to see how bad he sucks because he can’t play to a click.

Drummer Who Can’t Properly Tune and/or Muffle His Drums

Okay, so it’s time to rag on drummers. This is usually another sign of ego issues more than anything. You’ve heard the guy who hits the kick or a tom and it rings for a half-hour. This will drive a soundman crazy and make it necessary for him to gate the hell out of the drums, providing he even has any gates.

Guitar Players Who Don’t Kill Volume, Don’t Know How to Stay in Tune, etc.

Attention guitar and bass players, now it’s your turn. When you’re not playing your guitar, turn the friggin’ volume knob down! Whether onstage, in rehearsal, or whatever, make it a habit to do so. It makes you look very amateur when you hear those string noises, pickup feedback, hum, and other noises between songs.

Learn to keep your guitar in tune and invest in a tuner! This also makes you look unprofessional when you’re tuning out loud on stage. Lame. If you don’t know how to properly string up your guitar and keep it in tune, take it to your friendly local music store, and someone who works there will be glad to show you how.

Also, professional guitarists make it a force of habit to run the cable through the strap before it plugs into the guitar. Why? For one thing, all it takes is for the amateur to step on the cable and you’re unplugged. Embarrassing when it happens on stage. And for cripes sake, keep extra picks within easy reach! Tape them to a mic stand, your guitar, keep them on top of your amp, anything. Don’t embarrass yourself by being seen on stage picking up a pick you dropped on the floor.

Under-Talented Member

Never did like those musicians who make no effort to be better at what they do…these are usually the guys who think they can do anything and the rest of the band will worship it. This is more often than not another of those “no one tells me what to play” kind of guys, who is basically trying to hide the fact that he sucks and knows it. And what makes this problem worse is when no one else in the band has the courage to speak up. The exception to this is if, for instance, you are a guitarist teaching someone to play bass so you have a bass player, and that person is willing to work at it. Just don’t play any gigs until he’s up to par.

So in summary, if you have any of the above problems in your band, those members causing them are dead weight and need to be addressed. You are driving a car with one or more flat tires, and you can’t have a fully functioning band that way. But if you are more on the entry-level and not yet in the loop, you might have to tolerate those problems until you can find replacement musicians. Remember, most of the big-name artists had the same problems as you at one time early in their careers, and went through lots of member changes early on.

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David Himes is the author of the book Realities for Local Bands: Talent is not Enough. You can find it at Amazon. For a FREE sneak preview, click here. The book is also available in PDF format. Also, David published a local music scene paper for over 16 years and has held over 400 live shows, giving him a unique insight on the scene. Your feedback and comments are welcome.