Members LCK Posted May 11, 2015 Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Trying for something very simple yet poignant. (Minimalism is not my strong point.) I have a tune for this, which I'll upload later... "She’s Gone" She’s gone.Don’t know how I’ll get alongnow that everything’s gone wrong.And why? Because she’s gone. Goodbye.Now there’s a word that makes you cry.It does no good to wonder whyfor if she’s gone, she’s gone. Day and night,I miss her night and day.I wonder why she went awayas I try to carry on. She’s goneevening shadows on the lawnand the stars that die at dawnkeep reminding me she’s gone. Words & Music ©2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 11, 2015 Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Lyrically it feels rhyme driven and not up to your usual standards. I do like the style and think a few tweaks would go a long way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 11, 2015 Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Hey Lee--This is nice...this is *so* simple it will have to be catchy as hell though I think, so that when someone hears it it's sounds obvious, like it had always existed. Is this AABA...so is "day and night" the middle eight? Otherwise it's not following structure.Last verse feels rhyme-forced, while the first two just feel nice and perfectly simple, which I think is what you're going for....like it's laughing at itself.Nice, good to see you posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Thanks, Ryan. Yeah, most of my songs start out with a sort of half-assed lyric, which slowly morphs into something a bit more satisfying. I don't know where this one will go or how it will turn out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Hey Lee-- This is nice...this is *so* simple it will have to be catchy as hell though I think, so that when someone hears it it's sounds obvious, like it had always existed. Is this AABA...so is "day and night" the middle eight? Otherwise it's not following structure. Last verse feels rhyme-forced, while the first two just feel nice and perfectly simple, which I think is what you're going for....like it's laughing at itself. Nice, good to see you posting. Thanks. I like the idea that it should feel like it's always existed. Yes, it's an AABA structure. You're right about the last verse... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted May 12, 2015 Members Share Posted May 12, 2015 I agree with Martin's comments and your reciprocation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 12, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 12, 2015 Second(ish) draft... "She’s Gone" She’s gone.Don’t know how I’ll make it through.Guess there’s nothing I can do,’cause if she’s gone, she’s gone. Goodbye.People say it’s just a word,just the saddest one I’ve heard’cause she’s gone, she’s gone, goodbye. .........Day and night—.........I miss her night and day..........Don’t know why she went away.........still I try to carry on. She’s gonewithout warnings or alarms,just two cold and empty arms.reminding me she’s gone. Words & Music ©2015 by Lee Charles Kelley West Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted May 13, 2015 Members Share Posted May 13, 2015 She’s gone without warnings or alarms, just two cold and empty arms. reminding me she’s gone. Nothing half-assed about that lyric. music? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 13, 2015 Nothing half-assed about that lyric. music? Thanks. Music? Yeah, but I need to re-string my guitar. Or at least tune it... "She's Gone" (updated lyric) 1. She's gone. Silent echoes fill the halls. Missing pictures, barren walls-- she took them now she's gone. 2. Goodbye-- the word keeps tumbling through my brain. Though sweet remembrances remain, she's gone, she's gone, goodbye. Bridge. Every night I try to fight the dawn, not fall in to despair but find the strength to carry on. 3. She's gone, with no warnings or alarms. Now these cold and empty arms keep reminding me she's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 So here's a rough draft of the tune & lyric. Let me know what you guys think... "She's Gone"(2:11) She's gone.Silent echoes fill the halls.Missing pictures, barren walls,she took them, now she's gone. Goodbye,that word keeps tumbling through my brain.Though sweet remembrances remainshe's gone, she's gone, goodbye. Ev'ry nighthow I try to fight the dawn,try not to despair.do my best to carry on. But she's gone,with no warnings or alarmswhile these cold and empty armskeep reminding me she's gone. Words & Music © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted May 14, 2015 Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 This is really, really good - both musically and lyrically.Very nice chord patterns. The only thing I find not quite up to speed is V3.I think the word 'alarms' is the offender to my ears. You have already said 'warnings', and although not a synonym, 'alarms' feels like rhyme filler. What do you think? Has it bothered you at all? If not, then ignore my comment. I get pretty picky I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 This is really, really good - both musically and lyrically. Very nice chord patterns. The only thing I find not quite up to speed is V3. I think the word 'alarms' is the offender to my ears. You have already said 'warnings', and although not a synonym, 'alarms' feels like rhyme filler. What do you think? Has it bothered you at all? If not, then ignore my comment. I get pretty picky I know. Yeah, you have a point. Trying to find a rhyme for "empty arms" is a bitch. But alarms isn't the right word, meaning-wise. Meanwhile, the third and fourth lines in the first verse have changed a little: She's gone. Silent echoes fill these halls. Empty closets, barren walls, she packed her things, she's gone.... I also feel like I should be using some different harmonic colors, like half-diminished chords somewhere. I like going from a Db9 to a DbMaj7 in the opening, I like the chords at the end of each verse -- Ab7, G-, Ab13(dim9) -- and I like the second chord in the bridge, but while the rest have some nice movement, it's a bit repetitive, and I don't think I've nailed the chords or the tune yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted May 14, 2015 Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 This sounds so good, Lee. Perfect for me here in the quiet morning in my office. Listening again..... I like how the word "alarm" works....but a lot has to do with how you sing it I think. The only line that stuck out to me is... "she's gone, she's gone, goodbye."....but I think you can get that to fit right with a slightly different delivery as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 14, 2015 Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 Wow I REALLY love this..... i have no problem with the alarm line Id maybe say But she's gone,with no warnings NO alarms Not that it makes much difference but its kind of MAKING the point rather than REPEATING it. Another idea should you wish to go down this route But she's gone,to love another i presumewhile this cold and empty roomkeeps reminding me she's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 14, 2015 Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 This has come along nicely. I really liked "the stars that die at dawn" from the original version. Could you fit that in the current bridge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 This has come along nicely. I really liked "the stars that die at dawn" from the original version. Could you fit that in the current bridge? Maybe as a coda...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 14, 2015 Members Share Posted May 14, 2015 Lovely - consider mixing up the rhythm on the bridge on the third line by adding some more notes and an internal rhyme (not necessarilly these words). Feels same-y. Ev'ry night how I try to fight the dawn, I try not to care / try not to despair. do my best to carry on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 I'm trying something new here. I don't know if it works, but it now takes place in the 1970s, when the narrator and the girl are both in college. "She’s Gone" 1.She’s gone.Quiet echoes fill these halls,posters missing from these walls.She packed her things, she’s gone. 2.She leftsome trinkets, records and her charms,and these cold and empty armsthat keep reminding me she’s gone. Bridge.At a danceor on the campus lawn,I see her with that guy. I want to crybut try to carry on. 3.“Goodbye, so long.”The time goes by but not the pain.Though sweet remembrances remainthey hardly matter if she’s gone. Coda.I watch the stars that fade at dawn,And think, “She’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone.” Words & Music ©2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 11, 2015 Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 Interesting perspective. For some reason it does not resonate with me, though. Perhaps because college times are so...transitory....brief and fleeting moments in the perspective of a lifetime. College just seems to lack the deep meaning of other more established concepts like love lost and deep meaningful change. Also....it dates your character as someone young and for that reason does not let the song's message be timeless and universal. ....just my initial reactions, Lee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 Interesting perspective. For some reason it does not resonate with me, though. Perhaps because college times are so...transitory....brief and fleeting moments in the perspective of a lifetime. Yeah, I had a feeling that might be the case... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 13, 2015 Members Share Posted June 13, 2015 Yeah I don;t think college really resonates, unless you want to lean totally into it, it more of a passing thing now. It could be more explicit (name the school?), it could be each stanza is a different girl who left from another phase of life - college, young adult, divorce, and in the chorus is "why do they leave?" Maybe make it weightier about divorce: "She’s Gone" 1. She’s gone. Quiet echoes fill the halls, pictures missing from the walls. no children's toys, she’s gone. Dunno, hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 13, 2015 Yeah I don;t think college really resonates, unless you want to lean totally into it, it more of a passing thing now. Dunno, hope this helps. Yeah, mainly I was trying to get away from one of my usual tropes -- a person, alone at night, dwelling on the past. I like the idea of him seeing them together in various places. It just didn't work to bring the college campus into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 18, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 18, 2015 Possibly a finished lyric here. I'm hoping... "She’s Gone" 1.She’s gone.Quiet echoes fill these halls,pictures missing from the walls.She packed her things—she’s gone. 2.She left.She took her trinkets and her charms.She left behind these empty armsto keep reminding me she’s gone. Bridge.Gone, like shadows on the lawn,that vanish in the sun,vanish like the oneI’ve hung my dreams upon. 3a.“Goodbye, so long.”The days will pass but not the tears.Well, maybe in a couple yearsI’ll start accepting that she’s gone. (musical interlude) 3b.“Goodbye, so long.”The days will pass but not the tears.Well, maybe in a thousand yearsI’ll start accepting that she’s gone. Coda.I count the stars that fade at dawn,And think, “She’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone.” Words & Music ©2015 by Lee Charles Kelley West Sixty Ninth Street Music So now the first problem is, I have two tunes for the same lyric. The second problem is I've been rotating between them so much, while polishing the lyric, that "I've got blisters on me fingers...!" Plus, I really need to re-string my guitar. Maybe tomorrow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted June 18, 2015 Members Share Posted June 18, 2015 I like this My only problem...and i may be wrong.... but doesn't the sun make the shadows?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 18, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 18, 2015 Good point. I was thinking of long shadows, like in the early morning or late afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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