Shed - A lighthearted song

[VladM]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgwLIYZw1ro

 

Deep deep fire red, out back burns the backyard shed

who put the shed to flame, who are we supposed to blame

 

Folks come runnign in interrupting all our dreams

Folks come running scared, running from the burning shed

 

Rooster screams like a fiend there's a panic on the scene

Rooster screams, pierces ears we will have to face our fears

 

Shed burns all night long, burns and burns forever on

Shed burns all the day won't someone put out this flame

 

Bring a bucket hand it down, gotta put the fire out

Bring another bucket friend, or we will not save our shed

 

Deep deep fire red my heart's burnign now instead

My heart's burnign mighty fierce I felt pain in all my years

 

Deep deep shiny blue my love's eyes they once shined true

Gone gone away they went, she was burnt up in the shed

[mbfrancis]

I like this. It's different. The only line that rubs me wrong is "pierces ears we will have to face our fears"...feels like telling vs. showing, like you're painting this vivid scene and for a second pull back. It's jarring to me.

 

Also, there's a tonal mismatch: your ending feels like a folk ballad ("my love's eyes they once shined true") and it's great that it has that surprise ending. The problem is the rest of the song feels more like scene of horror. Maybe moderate some of the more in your face lines like "Rooster screams like a fiend."

 

Finally, you may want to foreshadow the ending in each verse. Somehow intimate that it's more than a fire, and you hate the fire, and the fire destroyed you...then reveal why at the end.

 

Hope this helps.

[BenStoller]

I like it. Very Dylanesque. Just a couple things... Maybe bring the vocals forward a bit more in the mix and use some chord changes between the verses.