Songwriting Class week 6 assignment

[Marshal]

Here is this week’s assignment from the OTSFM SOngwriting class I'm taking. The only “requirement” was to include a moving bass line. Several example songs were discussed in class.

 

Here’s the song idea I’m working on. It started with the bluesy chord progression. This is the one I was aluding to in the other thread might be on the magic-8-ball phrases. One of my first trial lyric lines was:

 

Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.

 

That’s a pretty good fun line. But as I started churning story-line possibilities, I decided to go with a more serious story. The first two verses are written. I’m pretty happy with their direction. My quandary was coming up with a musical pattern for a bridge. This song doesn’t want a chorus. So yesterday I came up with the bridge pattern. And an associated moan-n-groan melody line. I have to decide a lot about the song now. The bridge has to "explain" what’s going on; what happened; what went wrong. (And I don’t know what that is at this point. )

Then the 3^rd verse can be written, because it’s the aftermath of the cataclysmic event. That will be easy.

 

Here’s the lyrics so far.

 

Verse 1:

Do me a favor, just turn out the light

Don’t wanna talk. Let’s call it a night

A bad situation

Is working my mind

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

Verse 2:

That look on your face, a tear in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of monster

Would hurt you this way

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

Bridge:

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

 

Verse 3:

La la

La la

La la

La la

I’ll need some time to change your mind

I’ll need some time to make it right.

Here is this week’s songwriting class assignment. The only “requirement” was to try to include a moving bass line. Several example songs were discussed in class.

 

And a rough clip of the song so far.

[video=youtube;9chQVdTEqYo]

[oldgitplayer]

Nice moving bass line you've made there.

 

Bert Jansch was somebody who influenced a lot of big artists who followed.

What he brought to the table was moving motifs instead of chord based songs.

Here's an early example of a circular motif from his 1st album (1964 I think)

 

[video=youtube;M3mGV5pDDsM]

[Marshal]

Well I think I worked out the bridge; or at least where it will sit for tomorrow's class. I kind of abdicated the throne; meaning I decided to not be specific about any incident that might have happened in the relationship. Instead it's about the angst in the protagonist's head. Here it is:

 

Did we peak too soon

Will the truth be hard to swallow

Am I right for you

Should we be together tomorrow

 

Now I've got 23 hours to come up with a closing verse. I'm not sure if I want him to swallow his pride (or whatever is going on inside his silly head) and try to work this relationship out, or should I just leave them in eternal limbo. (or maybe both)

 

(Oooh ! maybe I can work eternal limbo in there somewhere ;) )

[Marshal]

Hmm. I let this sit for the day. And just played through it again. There's a chance i just might go with the ooh, oohs in the bridge. It's in a tough part of my vocal range. Plus, if I'm not going to advance the storyline in a significant way, maybe the mood of the chords and the oohs can communicate enough angst and act sort of like an instrumental. It could actually be an instrumental melodic break in a recording. Then come back down to earth and throw in another verse that brings it to a close.

 

I think I'm leaning that way at the moment.

 

Still got to do that final verse. But I'm thinking that's another dream-state early morning exercise for tomorrow. . . . , I'll set an alarm. ;)

[Marshal]

Good morning boys and girls. Another dream state edition.I think I'll stick with the "Oohs" as the bridge. It's a pretty and plaintive melody. Most importantly it's in a tough part of my vocal range. I can do the "Oohs" falsetto if need be. But lyrics would be tougher. I'd be tripping over them. Moreover I didn't want to burden the bridge with too much explaining. This way it's just an ethereal mood. . . , sort of like a dream state.

 

Another minor change: "Monster" will be replaced with "Joker." That's a little less extreme. (How does one recover from being a monster?)

 

The 3rd verse will be:

 

Clarifying vision deep in the night

Let it all go. Just swallow your pride

Make the commitment

Starting today

I’ll need some time But I’m gonna try

I’ll need some time to make it right.

 

That's probably a wrap for the class today. Of course than be infinite tweaking over the coming time frame. I'll try to play it out sometime soon. there's a very nice open mic this Tuesday (different than last week). But this is probably too rough for that one. I'll have to find another place to try this out.

[Marshal]

OK. For clarification, "Clarifying" is out. It'll probably just be "Seeing a vision." No sense in confusing the listener with overly flowery phraseology.

[Marshal]

Had the "class" yesterday. Some good comments. One minor one is the instructor guy thought the first and second lines should be switched around. I get that and will consider it.

 

He also said the bridge is not a bridge, but a chorus. And, that a simple repeated line would work nicely. I have to say I considered that already. I like that better than the bridge lyrics I was messing with. But I'll have to cogitate on it.

 

So I will probably put this one on the shelf for a little while and come back to it when I feel inspired to work on the chorus. That's trickier than it seems, because it's in a tough vocal range. So it's got to be simple and easy syllabically. ;)

[mbfrancis]

Hey Marshal, sorry I'm late here...I really like this, great moody music. 2 comments:

 

I wish lyrically you had more at stake here, that you were more graphic how you hurt this person. It's all super general, very vague. Hard for me to get invested in her plight or your redemption. What did you do wrong? Why should you change? Why should we believe you? I would maybe start with the second verse and then write a new verse that drops a few telling details and gives us some weight. Then use the bridge to blow everything open.

 

The title/hook - I’ll need some time to make it right - is pretty generic, and so isn't as memorable as it could be. That may be one reason people are trying to make the bridge a chorus...they're hungering for a hook. Maybe punch up the words..."Baby, let me make it right" or how about a name, "Jennifer let me make this right"...something to make it more memorable.

 

 

 

 

[Marshal]

OK. I think about that.

 

I forgot one other important comment that was made. The moderator is a rhyming natzi. He didn't like the verse structure. He feels if i am going to rhyme lines 1, 2, & 5, then lines 3 and 4 should have a separate inside rhyme. . . . , I admit that would be a more solid approach. That occurred to me at one point. I don't feel as compelled about it as he does. But I understand that that would make for a more perfect experience. So, I've got that to consider too.

 

At any rate, I feel like there's enough stuff going on in the song to come back to it and try to work on all these things. That's part of the problem of writing a song in a week. It doesn't always allow for that level of examination and rework. Especially when the rest of life keeps pushing in.

[LCK]

Here is this week’s assignment from the OTSFM SOngwriting class I'm taking. The only “requirement” was to include a moving bass line. Several example songs were discussed in class.

 

Here’s the song idea I’m working on. It started with the bluesy chord progression. This is the one I was aluding to in the other thread might be on the magic-8-ball phrases. One of my first trial lyric lines was:

 

Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.

 

That’s a pretty good fun line. But as I started churning story-line possibilities, I decided to go with a more serious story. The first two verses are written. I’m pretty happy with their direction. My quandary was coming up with a musical pattern for a bridge. This song doesn’t want a chorus. So yesterday I came up with the bridge pattern. And an associated moan-n-groan melody line. I have to decide a lot about the song now. The bridge has to "explain" what’s going on; what happened; what went wrong. (And I don’t know what that is at this point. )

Then the 3^rd verse can be written, because it’s the aftermath of the cataclysmic event. That will be easy.

 

Here’s the lyrics so far.

 

Verse 1:

Do me a favor, just turn out the light

Don’t wanna talk. Let’s call it a night

A bad situation

Is working my mind

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

Verse 2:

That look on your face, a tear in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of monster

Would hurt you this way

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

Bridge:

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

Oooh Ooh

 

Verse 3:

La la

La la

La la

La la

I’ll need some time to change your mind

I’ll need some time to make it right.

Here is this week’s songwriting class assignment. The only “requirement” was to try to include a moving bass line. Several example songs were discussed in class.

 

And a rough clip of the song so far.

[video=youtube;9chQVdTEqYo]

 

I can't hear the audio on your clip! I cranked it all the way up...

[oldgitplayer]

The moderator is a rhyming natzi. He didn't like the verse structure. He feels if i am going to rhyme lines 1' date=' 2, & 5, then lines 3 and 4 should have a separate inside rhyme[/quote']

There are essential rhymes in songs, and they are difficult enough in themselves to feel natural and not draw attention to themselves.

But I think additional internal rhymes can easily divert the writer away from what he he really wants to say if compelled to use them.

And on top of that they can feel self-conscious if they don't sit in the natural language.

 

Try by all means, but I support their omission if it becomes troublesome.

 

 

 

[Marshal]

I've been doing some big re-write on and off on this one. The internal rhyme thing is going to work into the song. Another funny thing, is everyone in the class gets a print of lyrics. In the 2nd verse I had used the term "Joker" (monster in the original post above). And i capitalized it. People were wondering if it was The Joker. Someone else though a Joker like in playing cards. . . . , weel while I've been re-working the interior of verses, I'm actually playing on the Joker term. The new 2nd verse would read

 

That look on your face, a tear in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of Joker

Would play your heart like Poker

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

In order to expand the 4th line and complete the internal rhyme I'm singing over the moving chords in the musical pattern. It's working out quite nicely. It adds a lightness that the song could use, it being a little too melodramatic otherwise.

 

The first verse situation is getting paired too

 

This bad situation

Is giving me consternation.

 

The last verse probably needs a wholesale rewrite.

 

Oh, and the bridgey/chorus is now:

 

Between me and you

There's a burning flame of passion

Then why is it true

That we fight with desperation

 

or something like that.

[Marshal]

OK. Here's the likely final. I'll get a vid some time soon as i get familiar with the lyric flow.

Make it Right - Marshall Hjertstedt

 

 

 

Do me a favor, let’s call it a night

Don’t wanna talk, just turn out the light

This bad situation

Is nothing but confrontation

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

That look on your face, a tear in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of Joker

Plays your heart like playing Poker

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

Bridge/Chorus:

Between me and you

There’s a burning flame of passion

Then why is it true

That we fight with determination

 

Searching for wisdom deep in the night

Just let it all go, and swallow your pride

This war between us

What we really need is forgiveness

I’ll need some time, but I’m gonna try

I’ll need some time to make it right.

 

To make it work I have to sing "Forgiveness" like forgivenuss. (to rhyme better with "us.") But I think that's easy enough to do.

[stickboymusic]

Really good

 

This line feels a bit cliche

 

 

That look on your face, a tear in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

 

 

Can I suggest

 

 

That look on your face, that whispers goodbye (that tells me goodbye)

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of Joker

Plays your heart like playing Poker

I’ll need some time to make it right

[Marshal]

Interesting ! ! ! ! !

 

I'll cogitate on that.

[Marshal]

Ok. I'm constantly churning little things on this one. Your catch on the over used phrase is a good one. I just did a little rewrite on the first two verses.

 

Do me a favor, Just turn out the light

I’m too tired to argue, let’s call it a night

This bad situation

Is mostly confrontation

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

There’s hurt on your face, and fire in your eye

You turn away and softly cry

What kind of Joker

Plays with your heart like playing Poker

I’ll need some time to make it right

[stickboymusic]

Like it

 

The "fire in your eye" (anger) "softly cry" (weak?) thing is bothering me a little now

[Marshal]

You can't have everything. ;)

Made a simple change in the first verse. Little tweaks here and there help make the picture clearer.

 

Do me a favor, Just turn out the light

I’m too tired to argue, let’s call it a night

This bad situation

Building to confrontation

I’ll need some time to make it right

 

 

 

I like softly cry. It shows vulnerability. Whereas hurt and fire are more angry feelings. But without vulnerability, no relationship can work.