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Her eyes(even if you don't dig my stuff, listen to this one)

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  • Her eyes(even if you don't dig my stuff, listen to this one)

    Wrote bare-bones w/o any treatment) in an hour or so
    I really hope I can take this somewhere
    Her eyes

    Lyrics:

    Come in and relax, Come in and relax
    No to be bold, shivering Cold
    Come in and relax, Come in and relax
    No need to so be bold, shivering Cold

    I saw your eyes meeting mine
    There was this Magic and Tenderness.

    When I saw your eyes meeting mine
    There was this Magic and Tenderness.

    We got to talking and it went everywhere
    Some Personal
    Old Stories we all known


    I saw your eyes meeting mine
    There was this Magic and Tenderness.

    We began to sing her eyes glistening
    and when they met mine
    I could see the same thing

    SC url
    http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/her-eyes

  • #2
    Cool idea. First thought with a quick listen: "Come in and relax" is a nice opening line, but it isn't nearly strong enough to get 4X treatment. I'd say it once and replace the others with something new.
    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • #3
      Cool idea. First thought with a quick listen: "Come in and relax" is a nice opening line, but it isn't nearly strong enough to get 4X treatment. I'd say it once and replace the others with something new.

      I just added these verses jut a few , sang a little higher. More work to be done

      new SC version
      http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/her-eyes-2

      Comment


      • #4
        I think there is a core of this song that is a jewel. Something to be developed. But...

        In the first verse, you repeat the exact same melody for each "come in and relax". I'm guessing it was done for emphasis, but I think the melody should be changed if just so slightly so that we don't hear the exact repeat. I use repeats myself, but for some reason, starting the song like that doesn't work.

        What dawned on me after a while, is how the following lines are very compelling, both lyrically and melodically:

        I saw your eyes meeting mine
        There was this Magic and Tenderness.

        ... and so I thought, take out verse 1 completely, and start right at the "I saw your eyes meeting mine". Maybe I am an over romantic, but those two lines pulled me right in. And that ending chord at "and tenderness" was a huge unexpected delightful surprise.

        I like how the song starts to increase its pace after a while. with the right production, this will really shine.


        Rick
        <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

        Comment


        • #5
          Good song - I agree with Rickidoo about changing that melody slightly on the opening lines

          How about something like this for the chorus rather than repeating the same thing twice?

          I saw your eyes meeting mine
          There was this Magic and Tenderness.

          When I saw your eyes meeting mine
          There was no longer an emptiness

          Also.... well done on working the vocals.... this sounds so much more comfortable for you and vocals sound great!

          Comment


          • #6
            Such encouragement thanks. Since I wrote the tune in a hour or so, I can use your great advice. I'll come back to it in a day or so as I wrote another idea today I have some stuff to work on. But with steady guidance......

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