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  • Lost

    Hi all....got a new tune...just a 1 + 1 and would love all of your thoughts and comments! Thanks, in advance, for any and all help...... -Tom


    "Lost"
    by Tom Tognaci

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11894390

    She?s lost up in the mountains
    unable to come down
    chasing her more lofty dreams
    just to spite the ground

    And there she climbs the tree tops
    to better glimpse her moon
    but still the clouds get in the way
    she won?t be leaving soon....

    ...With her bags tied in a knot
    and the rags she wears as clothes
    her story?s old, and one God only knows

    When she was just a youngster
    she learned that dreaming big
    ment reaching for the brightest stars
    was better than to dig

    Then she heard it on T.V.,
    "Work hard at what you love"
    She was told that it just takes faith
    in the Lord above....

    ...With her bags tied in a knot
    and the rags she wears as clothes
    Her story?s old, and one God only knows

    They say she?s in the mountains
    believing like a fool
    that a wide eyed dreaming kid
    one day will sparkle, too...

    ...With her bags tied in a knot
    and the rags she wears as clothes
    Her story?s old, and one God only knows

  • #2
    It's a lovely song Tom and beautifully played and delivered. .....:thu:
    The 60's folk scene was in part a re-mix of 19th Century tunes, and this melody is a re-mix of the 60's folk songs.
    I still play those chords and picking patterns myself and they evoke something in me.

    Do you know John Renbourn's version of the traditional ballad, 'Lord Franklin'?
    And do you know Joan Baez's version of Phil Ochs' 'There but for Fortune'?
    There are melodic phrases in your tune that you will find in both of these.

    But despite that, it doesn't invalidate your melody in any way - the folk tradition is a long one of re-mixes.
    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
    CHARLIE PARKER

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi all....got a new tune...just a 1 + 1 and would love all of your thoughts and comments! Thanks, in advance, for any and all help...... -Tom


      "Lost"
      by Tom Tognaci

      http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11894390

      She?s lost up in the mountains
      unable to come down
      chasing her more lofty dreams
      just to spite the ground

      And there she climbs the tree tops
      to better glimpse her moon
      but still the clouds get in the way
      she won?t be leaving soon....

      ...With her bags tied in a knot
      and the rags she wears as clothes
      her story?s old, and one God only knows

      When she was just a youngster
      she learned that dreaming big
      ment reaching for the brightest stars
      was better than to dig

      Then she heard it on T.V.,
      "Work hard at what you love"
      She was told that it just takes faith
      in the Lord above....

      ...With her bags tied in a knot
      and the rags she wears as clothes
      Her story?s old, and one God only knows

      They say she?s in the mountains
      believing like a fool
      that a wide eyed dreaming kid
      one day will sparkle, too...

      ...With her bags tied in a knot
      and the rags she wears as clothes
      Her story?s old, and one God only knows


      The tune is very nice, same with the vocal and fingerpicking guitar.

      That said, I don't quite get what the song is supposed to be about exactly.

      Some of the lines seem put in place just to rhyme:

      "She's lost up in the mountains
      unable to come down..."

      I don't get why she's unable to come down. It seems like she doesn't want to.

      "And there she climbs the tree tops
      to better glimpse her moon
      but still the clouds get in the way
      she won?t be leaving soon.... "

      Leaving the trees? leaving the mountain? or leaving whatever her deal is behind? I don't get it.

      "reaching for the brightest stars
      was better than to dig"

      Better than to dig? This is extremely awkward, and clearly written so as to rhyme rather than tell the story.

      "They say she?s in the mountains
      believing like a fool
      that a wide eyed dreaming kid
      one day will sparkle, too... "

      "They say she's in the mountains..." We already know she's in the mountains. In fact we know that she's supposedly "unable" to come down for some reason. Maybe "She's stuck up in the mountains?" The line you have now would have worked better in the first verse. "They say this," or "they say that" is a folk-music trope. It kind of sticks out where it you've placed it now so that it seems to contradict the flow of the story.

      Also, what does "someday will sparkle too" mean?

      Again, it's a nice tune, nice vocal and fingerpicking guitar, but I think the lyric needs a lot of work. The way it is right now it seems kind of muddled and a little trite.

      LCK
      “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

      Comment


      • #4
        I loved the performance....but I also struggled with the story line.

        As Lee Charles went on about above you have some excellent images but they don't quite tie together. This first started to bother me a bit when you spoke of her moon. I think this is one of the hardest things to do with our songs....make the story cohesive and tie things together. I have been struggling mightily with this task with my ongoing Opus Project.

        I think you might be able to tie her moon in with the wide eyed dreaming kid.

        That first verse....

        She?s lost up in the mountains
        unable to come down
        chasing her more lofty dreams
        just to spite the ground


        ....gives me the impression that she has a rebellious nature. Why? Perhaps, as in so many songs, she has been driven to distraction by failed love, but then lofty doesn't quite fit. Nor does the last line of this verse....

        When she was just a youngster
        she learned that dreaming big
        ment reaching for the brightest stars
        was better than to dig


        I think this is a great song....one that deserves more of your attention from a purely lyrical perspective.:wave:
        Leonard Scaper

        Comment


        • #5
          It's really nice.

          "she won?t be leaving soon" and "was better than to dig" could both be stronger lyrically.

          I like this stanza

          Then she heard it on T.V.,
          "Work hard at what you love"
          She was told that it just takes faith
          in the Lord above....

          but I also think it raised the most questions for me. Faith that what will happen? What does that mean for her faith now? There is a great chance for some character development.
          ...

          Comment


          • #6
            I'd have to agree with the others on most of the comments on the lyrics..
            I do really like the guitar fingering. Very appropriate with the vibe of the song.

            I do want to add something about the story line. The song has this feel like it should be imparting some folksy wisdom. Yet in the end, im not sure of the moral. This song has the spark of something bigger and I would truely love to see this refined.
            <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=575709" target="_blank">http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page...?bandID=575709</a> or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ccarnucci" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/user/ccarnucci</a></div>

            Comment


            • #7
              Hey there oldgitplayer.............I'm not familiar with that music...but I will surely have a listen......I've been having problems with my computer, and so i've been really slow with getting back with you.
              Thanks for dropping the musical comparisons......again, I am looking forward to listening to them.
              And thanks for commenting!! -Tom

              Comment


              • #8
                The tune is very nice, same with the vocal and fingerpicking guitar.

                That said, I don't quite get what the song is supposed to be about exactly.

                Some of the lines seem put in place just to rhyme:

                "She's lost up in the mountains
                unable to come down..."

                I don't get why she's unable to come down. It seems like she doesn't want to.....Well..you are right! She doesn't want to

                "And there she climbs the tree tops
                to better glimpse her moon
                but still the clouds get in the way
                she won?t be leaving soon.... "

                Leaving the trees? leaving the mountain? or leaving whatever her deal is behind? I don't get it. She won't be leavivg that place that's in her heart / head...you know,the mountains

                "reaching for the brightest stars
                was better than to dig"

                Better than to dig? This is extremely awkward, and clearly written so as to rhyme rather than tell the story. This is actuall my favorite line of the song!!! ;-)

                "They say she?s in the mountains
                believing like a fool
                that a wide eyed dreaming kid
                one day will sparkle, too... "

                "They say she's in the mountains..." We already know she's in the mountains. In fact we know that she's supposedly "unable" to come down for some reason. Maybe "She's stuck up in the mountains?" The line you have now would have worked better in the first verse. "They say this," or "they say that" is a folk-music trope. It kind of sticks out where it you've placed it now so that it seems to contradict the flow of the story. Repeating myself was to quickly reiterate my original point

                Also, what does "someday will sparkle too" mean? to one day sparkle like a star;-)

                Again, it's a nice tune, nice vocal and fingerpicking guitar, but I think the lyric needs a lot of work. The way it is right now it seems kind of muddled and a little trite.

                LCK



                Hi LCK......this lyric, I thought, was pretty easy to follow along(I purpously loaded it up with enough cliches to make it as reader friendly as I could.

                I was watching "Colbert" one evening as he interviewed Paul Simon. Colbert went into his normal schtick with promoting a new book of Paul Simon songs that was recently published. Colbert went into the book and started to read the lyric to "Ceclia". He started to pick apart the verses, line by line, and asked questions as to what he (Paul Simon) ment by some of the phrases that were written. It was a very funny and halarious interview. What I took away from that interview was that even Great lyricists have trouble getting through. I surely can't expect everyone to get me...but, I didn't think that this lyric was too far fetched...even for me......to be hard to understand. I'm going to sit on this and see what else surfaces.
                Thank you very much, Lee! -Tom

                Comment


                • #9
                  I loved the performance....but I also struggled with the story line.

                  As Lee Charles went on about above you have some excellent images but they don't quite tie together. This first started to bother me a bit when you spoke of her moon. I think this is one of the hardest things to do with our songs....make the story cohesive and tie things together. I have been struggling mightily with this task with my ongoing Opus Project.

                  I think you might be able to tie her moon in with the wide eyed dreaming kid.

                  That first verse....

                  She?s lost up in the mountains
                  unable to come down
                  chasing her more lofty dreams
                  just to spite the ground


                  ....gives me the impression that she has a rebellious nature. Why? Perhaps, as in so many songs, she has been driven to distraction by failed love, but then lofty doesn't quite fit. Nor does the last line of this verse....

                  When she was just a youngster
                  she learned that dreaming big
                  ment reaching for the brightest stars
                  was better than to dig


                  I think this is a great song....one that deserves more of your attention from a purely lyrical perspective.:wave:


                  Thanks Leonard...............Well, now that I know that this work isn't perfect, I'm bummed!!! You could have let me down a little more gently....brass knuckles & bombs;-)
                  I guess I'll sit on this a mull all the collective thoughts. Thanks again................ -Tom

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It was awesome... but I kept waiting for the "bye bye Miss American Pie" chorus to chime in.

                    :idk:

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It's really nice.

                      "she won?t be leaving soon" and "was better than to dig" could both be stronger lyrically.

                      I like this stanza

                      Then she heard it on T.V.,
                      "Work hard at what you love"
                      She was told that it just takes faith
                      in the Lord above....

                      but I also think it raised the most questions for me. Faith that what will happen? What does that mean for her faith now? There is a great chance for some character development.


                      Well....In this case, faith that the impossable would happen. It was this idea that I based the attitude of the song on. Maybe, it's just too deep for anyone to want to understand. In my inner universe, the point is plain to see.
                      If it would be one thing that differentiates great writers from poor writers, I would put clarity on top of the list. -Tom

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It was awesome... but I kept waiting for the "bye bye Miss American Pie" chorus to chime in.

                        :idk:


                        Huh?????

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This is a workshop, Tom.

                          Your song has a great tune, and a great feel, but the lyric needs work.

                          LCK
                          “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                          Comment

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