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Could you please criticize and interpret my lyrics? Title: The Best

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  • Could you please criticize and interpret my lyrics? Title: The Best

    I really scared you away 
    And I'm so sorry nowadays 
    I know you won't hear me anyway 
    But I got things I need to say 

    I was unintentionally being a jerk 
    And what I did wasn't gonna work 
    You won't let me in 'cause I blew it 
    But I'm gonna help you in spirit 

    Though you'll probably hate me forever 
    I don't think I should be bitter 
    I still wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    It was the fault of my stupidity 
    That made me forget your safety 
    Still, I wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    I shoulda been more low-key 
    The things I did were stupid 
    If you were me, you'd have scared me 
    And that's what I'm sorry 

    This world is extremely scary 
    And you reacted accordingly 
    I'm sorry that I made you 
    Feel torn apart 

    Though you'll probably hate me forever 
    I don't think I should be bitter 
    I still wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    It was the fault of my stupidity 
    That made me forget your safety 
    Still, I wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less

     

     

  • #2

    likeimglowinginthedark wrote:
     
    I really scared you away 
    And I'm so sorry nowadays 
    I know you won't hear me anyway 
    But I got things I need to say 

    I was unintentionally being a jerk 
    And what I did wasn't gonna work 
    You won't let me in 'cause I blew it 
    But I'm gonna help you in spirit 

    Though you'll probably hate me forever 
    I don't think I should be bitter 
    I still wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    It was the fault of my stupidity 
    That made me forget your safety 
    Still, I wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    I shoulda been more low-key 
    The things I did were stupid 
    If you were me, you'd have scared me 
    And that's what I'm sorry 

    This world is extremely scary 
    And you reacted accordingly 
    I'm sorry that I made you 
    Feel torn apart 

    Though you'll probably hate me forever 
    I don't think I should be bitter 
    I still wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less 

    It was the fault of my stupidity 
    That made me forget your safety 
    Still, I wish you the best 
    Happiness and nothing less

     

     

    There are some good ideas here. I think the lines "I wish you the best ... happiness and nothing less" are quite good, and are the key components. Some of the lines, though, sound a bit stilted and artificial, meaning they don't necessarily sound like the way you'd actually talk to someone.

    But you have a good premise, and a good lyrical hook.

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • mbfrancis
      mbfrancis commented
      Editing a comment

      I agree there are a couple of good lines here.

      My challenge is that you are doing a lot of telling, very little showing.  You say over and over that you messed up, that you don't deserve the other person, that you're sorry, etc., without examples or proof - e.g., it might be more powerful to tell us *what* you did that was so stupid vs. saying "I was stupid," if that makes sense.  How did you comprimise the other person's "safety"...that would be more interesting than what's here, which is all super general, and - as LCK notes - somewhat artificial.

      Hope this helps.


  • #3
    I'll second LCK. This sounds genuine as far as the feelings behind it, but several of the lines are in "poem-ese".
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    Comment


    • #4

      edited

      Comment


      • #5

        an edit I made to my lyrics: *that's why I'm sorry

        Comment


        • #6
          This sounds really personal. I'm sure whoever it was written to will get it, but to someone that doesn't know the story, it's kind of a tease.

          I'll +1 what francis said.

          I'd be much more invested in the story if I knew what it was. These lines are the ones where I think getting into more specifics would really help:

          And what I did wasn't gonna work

          The things I did were stupid

          And you reacted accordingly

          .
          ...

          Comment


          • Marshal
            Marshal commented
            Editing a comment

            The things I did were stupid. . . . , What things? 

            You describe some nice emotions. You call out regret and remorse. You even take the high-road and say you're want what's best for the other person. But you don't actually say anything about what really happened. You're going back over the same territory without ever getting in deeper to the story. 

             

            Now that's just my opinion. (I never pretend to know that much). But for my taste i'd like some juicy detail to make it real for me the listener. 

             


        • #7

          Lots to work with here I think.

          The verses, as I think Marshall pointed out, are telling the story. In my mind, its like a documentary camera following someone around, recording what they are saying.

          WHat I think it needs, is to rewrite the choruses in such a way that they contrast quite a bit from the verses. Using the same documentary camera metaphor, think of it like this... the verses are the the whole body shots and occasional closeups. But the chorus is where they camera zooms in extremely close so we can feel the emotions of the person... we can experience the tears... the guilt... the regret... the longing... . The chorus must be written in such a way as to bring us close to those emotions.  And for that to happen, the words need paint an image of the emotions.


          Do that, I feel, and then when one hops back into the verses, they will be more impactful.

          I am sorry if I can not provide specific examples. Maybe someone else can. I can only write about the  emotions and feelings I think the chorus needs to do.. not quite so literally.

          Best,

           

          Richard

           

           

          <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

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