Members ZachariahAS Posted October 6, 2013 Members Share Posted October 6, 2013 Fallen (In Love)Zachariah Song: The way you smileBrightens up my day and nightThe way your touch brings chills down my spine You're lying downBut your heart's right up there I knowCos I see it tonightI see it tonight I know it's trueIt ain't as easy as the books say it should Footsteps drown the patter of rainBig bright smile against a grey terrain I think I'll be fallingI think I'll be fallingI think I'll be fallingI think I'll be falling I see it nowYeah I see it now I think I've just fallenI think I've just fallenI think I've just fallenI think I've just fallen down Pick me upPick me upFrom the very groundPick me up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted October 6, 2013 Members Share Posted October 6, 2013 Hey--There's some nice stuff here. I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great. I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen" - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES." And I like the rain/terrain line.I have some challenges with it though:* It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go. It's hard to follow from one section to the next. In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason. It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.* There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song. I.e. why should I care? Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything. * A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely. This feels a little synthetic. I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over. Again, we're not invested at all.* *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy? And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard. Some good stuff - hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 7, 2013 Members Share Posted October 7, 2013 mbfrancis wrote: Hey-- There's some nice stuff here. I like your voice, nice tone, and the minimal aching vibe is great. I really like the melody that goes up on "fallen" - reminds me of The Script, "I'm falling to PIECES." And I like the rain/terrain line. I have some challenges with it though: * It feels kind of formless, like you're figuring it out as you go. It's hard to follow from one section to the next. In general if you're going to go agains verse/chorus convention, I'd have a good reason. It might help to have a consistent structure to give the listener somethign to hang on to.* There's not a lot of detail here to engage me, so I'm not really invested in the song. I.e. why should I care? Also I'm not really sure what you're saying, what the message is. The one piece of detail (rain/terrain) doesn't really tell me anything. * A lot of the words here are very common in songs: fallen in love, chillls dow my spine, pick me up - it would be great to steer clear of some of these and say something unique, or say it uniquely. This feels a little synthetic. I'd rather you *showed* us how you fell in love, rather than *telling* us over and over. Again, we're not invested at all.* *Which* books say *what* is easy? - are there really books that say falling in love is easy? And why isn't it easy...tell me about why it's hard. Some good stuff - hope this helps. Ditto. There is a song there, but it still needs to be chisled into shape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ZachariahAS Posted October 16, 2013 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2013 Ah it's finally gotten through! Thanks for accepting me as a member of this community, have every intention to do so. It's been great so far, feedback's been very constructive. Hope to hear your thoughts on the new song I've written, what's good and what's to be improved. LoveZachariah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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