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  • Angelina

    Hi All,

    Here's a new song of mine that started life with different lyrics... tossed them away (Justin - was snow melts away). So I came in with these.

    (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach

    V1: Angelina goes to work each day
    Wears a smile
    On her face

    Driving home is where she contemplates
    Where she's been
    What's her fate

    A storm is raging, across the sky 

    V2: In her dreams she's floating in the air
    sky of blue

    Waking up she finds another storm
    Cold winter snow
    nothing warm

    CHORUS #1:
    She's wanting a fresh start

    <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

  • #2

    Definitely more consistent, Rick.  I really like it.  The chorus has a lot more pop to it with the melody climbing now.

    Most of my ideas are arrangment, but here are a couple lyric tidbits.

    Waking up she finds another storm
    Ice and snow
    nothing warm

    Where winter's cold
    Is just unknown

    You get the cold and winter idea across well enough without coming out and stating it directly so often.  I have an idea for the first one (in bold) in the second I have nothing, but am pointing it out as something that might warrant rethinking.

    On to the arrangement!

    *  V1.1 is perfect, but I wasn't a big fan of the high solo vocal in the second half.  What I would do there is keep the higher of the two vocal lines in the first half and use the current melody as a high harmony.  Think of it like a lead vocal with a low harmony the first half, and a lead vocal with a high harmony the second.  Or just tame the low harmony and bring the high in as a three parter, just not too thick with the middle lead still taking top position.

    *  The chorus is outstanding.  Love the simple guitar and "ahhhh" stuff, as well as the descending piano at the end.

    *  OK, here is the biggee.  Trust me that this one will make a huge difference in the momentum of the tune.

    At 2:17 you do a fantastic break "storm is raging...." but it takes a tad too long to get restarted.  What I would do if this were my song, is cut the "across the sky" bit out altogether.  At 2:21, jump straight to the music that arrives at 2:25.  But don't lose the drums for the beginning of V2.  The dropped beat on "storm is raging...." is more than enough.  Give us that brief 4 second break and then bring the full groove back.

    I really think this would make an enormous difference.

    Great tune, Rick.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012


    • #3

      rickidoo wrote:

      Hi All,

      Here's a new song of mine that started life with different lyrics... tossed them away (Justin - was snow melts away). So I came in with these.

      (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach


      Nice tune. Very nice production.

      I don't have time to comment on the lyric right now. But you've got a good central thesis, but I think there might be a few things you could do to make it pop more.

      “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.


      • mbfrancis
        mbfrancis commented
        Editing a comment

        Some cool stuff here, really like the vibe.

        I'll be honest, though, after reading it a couple of times, I'm still confused if weather is real or metphorical or both, and when they are each.  Are storms good or bad? - is "winter" a good thing?  Is winter supposed to have different meaning than "storms"...if so I suspect most people who don't live someplace wintery (like me in SoCal) basically equate the two, so that distinction is lost.  It seems like you're going for something really heavy (especially with the music) but I feel like I need a cipher to decode the symbolism.  I would be super judicious with your deployment of weather terms (as mentioned), otherwise people will get confused and tune out.  Hope this helps.