Members drykilltrivhead Posted May 17, 2006 Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 Here is one of my first song I have written. It is called Demoralizing Touch. It is going to be a melodic death metal song. I haven't got any music for it yet but here it is. I really would like to see how I can fix or improve this song if anybody has any good ideas. Here it is. Intro:I will (dun, dun)Get you back (dun, dun)For all... you've... done... to... ME!! Chorus:Demoralizing touch,Burnt into skin,Putrefies mind,And soul within. Verse 1:You wanted to make me nothing.So you could feel like something.And I'm finally figuring out,your sick demented game.You've spoke your lies to me,how they rolled off of your tongue,so I climbed into the dark, whereI always knew the truth. (Chorus) Verse 2:I know it's been so dreadful,how the burn has left it's mark,but I will not give up and quit,just to see you win. Bridge:How does this make you feel,that I can turn my pain to you,and how does it make you feel,That There's Nothing You Can Do!! (Chorus) 2 times Also I have the first version of this song if anybody would like me to post it. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darins Posted May 17, 2006 Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 By all means, please post the song. I have a very difficult time judging lyrics like this without music. They seem silly when written out like verse, but in the context of the entire song they can be very effective (or even worse, depending on the rest of the song). As a quick overview, everything looks grammatically correct aside from a run-on sentence or two, which I don't think anyone will crucify you for. Also, I don't know what 'dun, dun' means - is this something that would come across better in the actual tune? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluesway Posted May 17, 2006 Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 yeah, i need music; although, the 'dun-dun's helped! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members spiltmilk_2000 Posted May 17, 2006 Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 are the 'dun duns' drums?? If so have you experimented using a DOOF BLAM! better for metal i reckon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members drykilltrivhead Posted May 17, 2006 Author Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 This is where I will really have a problem. I dont have any music for it, just the lyrics. I figured I could find somebody to critique it or something. But yea dun dun is two heavy power chords. Sorry that I dont have the music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rob Martinez Posted May 17, 2006 Members Share Posted May 17, 2006 Lyrics by themselves are difficult. Critique the following: She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah!She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah!She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!! See what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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