Please give your opinion of these lyrics

I wrote this several years ago when my marriage was breaking up and I felt depressed, alone and angry. I had forgotten about it until I found it recently and I'm thinking about adding it to the project I'm working on. Musically, I'm thinking of having some sort of slow single beat like a conga drum with some soft type of music in the background in the beginning and then building up the musical intensity on the longer verses and going back and forth with the dynamics where they fit emotionally with the lyrics. I kind of picture the beginning verses as being sung by some type of ancient tribe chanting it by a fire at night. The chorus is not repeating words, but rather the longer ending part of each verse. The album project I'm working on now has a harder and less personal side to it. I'm going to record this song, but I'm not sure it will fit into the context of the current project. Any comments and criticism would be appreciated.

TIME TO FEEL

Gather up your poison baby

Gather up your sins

Gather up your deepest dark

And let the pain begin

Get your needles out now baby

Sharpen up your knives

Time to let the blood start flowing

Time to let it out and feel our lives

(CH)

Let

Well, I'm a more Power Metal person, and to me they sounded hardcore or I could see it as a death metal song. But it had a good rhythm and the and the rhyming is very patternized(?).

Can you change this to "pray the lord my soul to creep "?

Metalica used the standard rhyme, didn't they?

Or did someone else use "creep" already?

I like 'em (even though I prefer uplifting stuff) They're dark, moody, almost scary... I like the chanting idea.

So, somewhere between a

and a !

Originally posted by Kingnome Can you change this to "pray the lord my soul to creep "? Metalica used the standard rhyme, didn't they? Or did someone else use "creep" already? I like 'em (even though I prefer uplifting stuff) They're dark, moody, almost scary... I like the chanting idea. So, somewhere between a and a !

Thanks for the positive comment. I wasn't even thinking about Metallica when I wrote this. I was thinking about a bedtime prayer that my grandmother taught me. I've written most of the music for it already but haven't decided on the arrangement or how heavy to make the chorus. I definitely didn't write it as death metal and wasn't even thinking of it as a metal song. I was in a bad state of mind when I wrote the lyrics, but I already had most of the music in my mind. I actually wrote the lyrics one night when I was sitting out in the woods one night with some bongos. I was extremely stoned and the whole thing came to me when I was sitting by a fire. It is mostly a metaphorical reflection of anger at my ex wife and feeling alienated, depressed, and outside of all happiness that I observed in others. I wrote a lot of darker stuff at the time, but I just happened to run across this one. I'll post the rough tracks when I get around to recording this one. The death metal is an idea, but I never looked at it from that side. Your comments give me a different perspective and I appreciate that. I have some much darker stuff from that period that I may post. Maybe someone can give me some totally different musical direction and ideas. All ideas and opinions are appreciated.