Members jfwong Posted August 14, 2007 Members Share Posted August 14, 2007 Woohoo! My first time posting in this specific forum, didn't even notice it until today. I wrote a very simple song yesterday that is nothing more than an AABBCC rhyme scheme, but I'd love to hear what you all think about it. Life came at us fast we said ten years aheadRan outta breath on the track that never endsWe had our times, you told me thenOur highs and lows from bend to bendWe did what we wanted living our livesNot a moment regretted at our final timeWorld Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members inais Posted August 14, 2007 Members Share Posted August 14, 2007 im not a certified critizist, or anything like that, so i cant really judge. but i do like the line "just dwellin here to pass the time" thats a good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lilboybarry Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 There were two lines in this piece that just didn't seem right-or make sense. "The farmland seeps through the ground" Maybe I'm just short sited and can't find the meaning of this.. or maybe it just doesn't make sense. I know that from another part the "farmland" is a metaphor for thoughts and what we dwell on. But "farmland seeping through ground" is like saying... "water wets water." I don't know, like I said, maybe I just don't get it... And the only other line that bothers me is: What Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members attic Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 I like it, and agree with lilboybarry about those two lines. Especially the 'mushroom' one. It's certainly not too much lyric for a good song, if you make it a slow or something... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Life came at us fast we said ten years aheadRan outta breath on the track that never endsWe had our times, you told me thenOur highs and lows from bend to bendWe did what we wanted living our livesNot a moment regretted at our final timeWorld Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jfwong Posted August 18, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 18, 2007 I really don't understand what's happening here. It sounds like a lot of filler is in there to get the rhyme together. For example, why are the wars erupting in the autumn? True it's a little confusing. The song's supposed to take place ten years in the future and everything in the world is going to hell. The "mushroom" coming your way is an atomic cloud. The two main points of the song are: - The world's ending, but we find comfort in our material goods (money) - The world's ending, so do some recreational drugs The second point explains the farmland seeping through the ground, which is a groovy thing my friend told me (that he saw the ground literally seeping through the ground) when he was on acid. I live on a terrace overlooking farmland which ended up with that line. That last little phrase is definitely way too wordy and/or unnecessary, I was sort of rambling on and going off on different tangents in my head by that point. I'll probably restructure it to make more sense in the context of the rest of the song. Thanks for the critique so far though, it's very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Floophead3 Posted August 18, 2007 Members Share Posted August 18, 2007 The second point explains the farmland seeping through the ground, which is a groovy thing my friend told me (that he saw the ground literally seeping through the ground) when he was on acid. I live on a terrace overlooking farmland which ended up with that line. Reminds me of a time when my friend got totally stoned on god knows what. He thought he didn't have legs, so he went around naked asking people, "If I don't have legs, do I need pants?" True story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members samuraiBSD Posted August 18, 2007 Members Share Posted August 18, 2007 Reminds me of a time when my friend got totally stoned on god knows what. He thought he didn't have legs, so he went around naked asking people, "If I don't have legs, do I need pants?"True story. this scares me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jfwong Posted August 18, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 18, 2007 Reminds me of a time when my friend got totally stoned on god knows what. He thought he didn't have legs, so he went around naked asking people, "If I don't have legs, do I need pants?"True story. If he felt like he was floating above ground the entire time that'd be pretty sweet. Otherwise I'm sure he just looked silly without pants on. Emperor New Clothes style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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