Members go_prowl Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 Removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluesway Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 i got lost somewhere around sammy losing his jizz sock. well, you sound pissed....albeit extremely clever. i couldn't hold on though, man. it got really rant-ey for me. the songs you've referenced do a better job of telling a story in their lyrics.....and you DO need a chorus...the chorus tied those songs together. there is no story....just line after line of clever rhymes about how much you hate dubya. all those verses could be in any order you wanted because there's no beginning and no end....just - well - bitching. (i mean that nicely) as i'm looking up, i see dropping the soap, deepthroating, hell, nerve-gas,opening jars, white whales and a brown note. hehehe. wtf? TOOOOOOO Much!! PS- "troglodyte" was one of the words of the day last week from dictionary.com. do you subscribe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FranklinPearl Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 I give it a good thumbs up, if for nothing else that it is quite a feat to write that much and make it fit together...i am impressed...muchmuch better than a lot of antiwar-esque songs, even with its literalism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluesway Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 I give it a good thumbs up, if for nothing else that it is quite a feat to write that much and make it fit together...i am impressed...muchmuch better than a lot of antiwar-esque songs, even with its literalism. definitely deserving of props, no doubt. but i can't call this a song right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members go_prowl Posted December 4, 2007 Author Members Share Posted December 4, 2007 Thanks for the critique guys. I agree it does come off very ranty, but I was aiming for a kinda 'frantic' sound to it. I'll be sure to come up with a chorus, I did have one with the original draft (which didn't include the last 2 verses), but it didn't quite fit right. p.s. No, not a member of dictionary.com, I've been wanting to incorporate 'Troglodyte' into lyrics for years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 4, 2007 Moderators Share Posted December 4, 2007 You have an incredible mind for rhyme, rhythm, and imagery. Really, really strong in that department. I think you probably know... you don't get that good at something without having a clue as to what you're up to. So... ...that is why you need to study song structure. If you were to put 1/8th of the things you loaded "wargasm" with, but in a tight, succinct song form... You'd have guys knocking your door down trying to get you to write them their new heavy song. Heavy. But don't let the fact that you're so good at this blind you to the fact that you need to focus your aim, come up with consistent phrasing, and work that into more conventional song structure. Awesome. Now start tearing apart songs you like and figure out their song form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 4, 2007 Moderators Share Posted December 4, 2007 ...and don't lose the method you used to get all that out. What you have above is incredible fodder for a great tune. It's just not a great tune yet. If you can combine the stream of conscience spewing of ideas with letting those ideas somehow ride on the back of great song structure, somehow wedging your ideas into a song... watch out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members go_prowl Posted December 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted December 5, 2007 Yeah I can see what you're getting at, cheers I'm continuing to refine the lyrics & there will be more posts as I continue to re-draft it... Your's & bluesway's posts are the reason why I became a member, so i can get the best I possibly can out of my lyrics go_prowl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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