Members rsadasiv Posted September 5, 2008 Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 Flying down the Skyline DriveIn an April burst of SpringThe bare tree limbs likeDark paint drips onA bright blue canvas sky. The mountain ranges arrange themselvesLike waves rolling off of the seaBeaching themselves against the valley belowWhere the blue and the grey marched to and froBrothers and cousins, fathers and sonsIn the War Between the States. Cardinal, Titmouse, black capped ChickadeeAt the feeder taking a seed.Through the window each eating aloneFind for myself what I will never be. The cancer cells which laid him downWere there, still unobserved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted September 5, 2008 Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 I am very confused. We start out in Shenandoah and by the way I love "The bare tree limbs like Dark paint drips on A bright blue canvas sky." and it seems to be the war between the states but then he has cancer and we are off for Mahashtra and he's a bad dad but the birds are still the same and as you know I'm as guilty of a lack of connective tissue as anyone but I can't pull it all together at all. "Find for myself what I will never be" is a difficult line for me; I don't understand it and I want to because it's obviously important. What's going on? Please tell me before my head explodes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted September 5, 2008 Author Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 I live in Washington DC. One spring morning I drove down the Skyline Drive with the family to Charlottesville VA to see my uncle, who was visiting from India. This uncle had colon cancer, which killed him less than a year later. While we were there, he told me the story of how my father had run away from the family home in Nagpur as a teenager, had stayed away for an entire year, and had never explained why he had gone or what he had done while he was gone. This reminded me of an episode from my teenage years, when I took the decision to drop out of high school while spending an afternoon watching the birds at the birdfeeder in our front yard. When we got back to Washington after the weekend was over, the kids were tired and cranky; I told my oldest son that he couldn't have or do something and he replied that I was a bad dad and he would kill me with his sword. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted September 5, 2008 Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 That's a very cool story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted September 5, 2008 Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 Sometimes it's a challenge to make these personal stories understood while being respectful to the people we write about and their feelings and their stories. In this case the references are so specific and so personal and so varied that I think it can be very difficult to make the story accessible. The lyric is interesting but difficult to understand. The actual story in your second post was also interesting, and very easy to understand. But not a lyric. Maybe the story is too big, or you are telling too much of it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted September 5, 2008 Author Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 Sometimes it's a challenge to make these personal stories understood while being respectful to the people we write about and their feelings and their stories. In this case the references are so specific and so personal and so varied that I think it can be very difficult to make the story accessible. I've struggled with this dilemma for a long time. Up until about 5 years ago I tried to write lyrics that were somewhat generic and generally accessible, but the results were never very compelling. About 5 years ago I realized that I was never going to be a big time rock star and that the large majority of people who encounter my lyrics are people who know me quite well already (i.e. friends and family). So I decided to just leave the personal details in, and if the listener doesn't get the reference, well, hopefully the negative space behind the details forms an interesting shape. But I do appreciate your point about the disjointed nature of the (explicit) narrative. The verse, the chorus and the bridge are not really related, except in that they all have something to do with the theme of a son's rebellious nature. I do think it is a problem that the theme is not obvious within the first few lines - if I led with a hook which laid out that (pertinent) piece of information the lyric would be much stronger, and the connective tissue (such as it is) would be more effective. The lyric is interesting but difficult to understand. Maybe we both need to sig that quote by mazarebacha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted September 5, 2008 Members Share Posted September 5, 2008 If the story matters to me then I can work with it, otherwise, it's not worth bothering with, because if I don't care a lot no one else is going to care at all. I just won't have anything to give. This story seems to meet that "importance" criteria for you, that's why the imagery is as strong as it is and why bits and pieces reach out and grab me. I notice that the sequence of the story told as prose is different than the verse version. Maybe the sequence has something to do with how it is conveyed. Even in the prose version the story of the bad dad and the sword, important enough to the overall piece that it was included, seems loosely attached to the rest of the narrative. What connects uncle and father and son? What connects Mahashtra to Shenandoah? Individual seeking and striving that separates families? Swords and rebellion? Good writing and a good story; it should turn out well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted September 7, 2008 Members Share Posted September 7, 2008 If it was me, I'd aim for a chorus that makes the song a little easier to apply to an everylistener's life. Otherwise, this is kind of a journal-song, which is cool, but hard to consider as an outsider. The first two verses paint a really great scene, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted September 7, 2008 Members Share Posted September 7, 2008 Well, it's kind of the story of the Prodigal Son, but woven through the generations, innit? Every reporter has his own beat... I like your decision to tap the rich culture mix afforded by your personal and family history... I mean, anyone can write generic love songs (or generic broken heart songs, a little closer to my home ) but it's kind of a shame to take that deep and varied mix of cultures and shifting generational perspectives and then only write stuff that could have been written by anyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 7, 2008 Members Share Posted September 7, 2008 I read through the lyrics a few times and began to enjoy the way they made me travel. I think that a song with very specific lyrics like this can work well depending on the music and the vocal delivery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2009 I've tried to clean up some of the meter and remove some of the confusing/red herring aspects. I feel like the second verse still needs some work - I need to introduce my uncle and explain his motivation for telling me all this ancient family history (in verse 3) but I'm not sure that is coming across. [Verse 1]Flying down theSkyline Drive in anApril burst of Spring Bare tree limbs likeDark paint drips onA bright blue canvas sky. Mountain ranges a-Range themselves likeWaves rolling off the sea In the valley below They marched to and froIn the War Between the States [Chorus 1]Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped ChickadeeCome to the feeder, taking a seedThrough the window each eating aloneFind for myself what I will never be. [instrumental Bridge] [Verse 2]I was running lateTo visit my uncleWho rarely went far from home Looked so much likeMy fatherCould be twins if you didn't know The cancer cellsWhich laid him downWere there, still unobserved I'm tiredI can't do muchIt comes with being old [Chorus 2]Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped ChickadeeCome to the feeder, taking a seedThrough the window each eating aloneFind for myself what I will never be. [instrumental Bridge] [Verse 3]Shared schools andHolidaysShared the same small room But I never knewWhat was in his Head and one day he was gone For a year heDidn't returnAnd he never really did Explain what had Happened or whereHe had been [Chorus 3]He must have gone to the movies and traveled by trainHe liked Punjabi food and walking in the rainSpoke a little Urdu; knew the names of all the starsHe returned with the knowledge of engines and cars [instrumental Bridge] [Chorus 4]Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped ChickadeeCome to the feeder, taking a seedThrough the window each eating aloneFind for myself what I will never be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 27, 2009 Moderators Share Posted February 27, 2009 It's great. I loved the 1st but was confused too. The 2nd really clears it up. Is there a way to make sense out of the birds. Actually I really like the non sequitur feel but hearing the back story, it's a shame to have that go untold. It does work though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted February 27, 2009 Members Share Posted February 27, 2009 Ram: The first version is far superior. Yes, it is disjointed, but so is Picasso. The juxtaposition between the birds and the burst of spring and the darkness of the other material is perfect. Life is like that; birds singing at funerals, tears in the midst of laughter. Your use of unexpected jumps makes for a challenging read, but then so is Milton. Not every song is a spoonfeeder. When it's over, it comes together. I get what you are doing here and itis exceptional work. Will it be a radio hit? No, but so what? It works; it just challenges the listener to keep up. I love it. Don't change a thing. (Edit: Love the title. Just notied the dates. I didn't see this the first time around. Why the changes?) EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Drumas funk Posted March 3, 2009 Members Share Posted March 3, 2009 The first version has so many great lines that are left out of your revision. I'd go for the first and wouldn't worry so much that the listener can't understand. It'll force the listener to actually listen and devise for themselves what the storyline is. That may not be your goal, but it's always a good result in my experience, when the listener can not only take from the story but also add to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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