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New Lyric - The Knowledge of Engines and Cars


rsadasiv

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Flying down the Skyline Drive

In an April burst of Spring

The bare tree limbs like

Dark paint drips on

A bright blue canvas sky.

 

The mountain ranges arrange themselves

Like waves rolling off of the sea

Beaching themselves against the valley below

Where the blue and the grey marched to and fro

Brothers and cousins, fathers and sons

In the War Between the States.

 

Cardinal, Titmouse, black capped Chickadee

At the feeder taking a seed.

Through the window each eating alone

Find for myself what I will never be.

 

The cancer cells which laid him down

Were there, still unobserved

 

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I am very confused.

 

We start out in Shenandoah and by the way I love

"The bare tree limbs like

Dark paint drips on

A bright blue canvas sky."

and it seems to be the war between the states

but then he has cancer and we are off for Mahashtra

and he's a bad dad but the birds are still the same and as you know

I'm as guilty of a lack of connective tissue as anyone but

I can't pull it all together at all.

"Find for myself what I will never be" is a difficult line for me; I don't understand it and I want to because it's obviously important.

What's going on?

Please tell me before my head explodes. :eek:

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I live in Washington DC. One spring morning I drove down the Skyline Drive with the family to Charlottesville VA to see my uncle, who was visiting from India. This uncle had colon cancer, which killed him less than a year later. While we were there, he told me the story of how my father had run away from the family home in Nagpur as a teenager, had stayed away for an entire year, and had never explained why he had gone or what he had done while he was gone. This reminded me of an episode from my teenage years, when I took the decision to drop out of high school while spending an afternoon watching the birds at the birdfeeder in our front yard. When we got back to Washington after the weekend was over, the kids were tired and cranky; I told my oldest son that he couldn't have or do something and he replied that I was a bad dad and he would kill me with his sword.

 

:idk:

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Sometimes it's a challenge to make these personal stories understood while being respectful to the people we write about and their feelings and their stories.

In this case the references are so specific and so personal and so varied that I think it can be very difficult to make the story accessible.

 

The lyric is interesting but difficult to understand.

 

The actual story in your second post was also interesting, and very easy to understand.

But not a lyric.

 

Maybe the story is too big, or you are telling too much of it here. :confused:

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Sometimes it's a challenge to make these personal stories understood while being respectful to the people we write about and their feelings and their stories.

In this case the references are so specific and so personal and so varied that I think it can be very difficult to make the story accessible.

 

I've struggled with this dilemma for a long time. Up until about 5 years ago I tried to write lyrics that were somewhat generic and generally accessible, but the results were never very compelling. About 5 years ago I realized that I was never going to be a big time rock star and that the large majority of people who encounter my lyrics are people who know me quite well already (i.e. friends and family). So I decided to just leave the personal details in, and if the listener doesn't get the reference, well, hopefully the negative space behind the details forms an interesting shape.

 

But I do appreciate your point about the disjointed nature of the (explicit) narrative. The verse, the chorus and the bridge are not really related, except in that they all have something to do with the theme of a son's rebellious nature. I do think it is a problem that the theme is not obvious within the first few lines - if I led with a hook which laid out that (pertinent) piece of information the lyric would be much stronger, and the connective tissue (such as it is) would be more effective.

 

The lyric is interesting but difficult to understand.

 

Maybe we both need to sig that quote by mazarebacha. :)

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If the story matters to me then I can work with it, otherwise, it's not worth bothering with, because if I don't care a lot no one else is going to care at all. I just won't have anything to give.

This story seems to meet that "importance" criteria for you, that's why the imagery is as strong as it is and why bits and pieces reach out and grab me.

 

I notice that the sequence of the story told as prose is different than the verse version. Maybe the sequence has something to do with how it is conveyed.

 

Even in the prose version the story of the bad dad and the sword, important enough to the overall piece that it was included, seems loosely attached to the rest of the narrative. What connects uncle and father and son? What connects Mahashtra to Shenandoah? Individual seeking and striving that separates families? Swords and rebellion?

 

Good writing and a good story; it should turn out well for you.

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Well, it's kind of the story of the Prodigal Son, but woven through the generations, innit?

 

 

Every reporter has his own beat... I like your decision to tap the rich culture mix afforded by your personal and family history... I mean, anyone can write generic love songs (or generic broken heart songs, a little closer to my home :D ) but it's kind of a shame to take that deep and varied mix of cultures and shifting generational perspectives and then only write stuff that could have been written by anyone else.

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  • 5 months later...
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I've tried to clean up some of the meter and remove some of the confusing/red herring aspects. I feel like the second verse still needs some work - I need to introduce my uncle and explain his motivation for telling me all this ancient family history (in verse 3) but I'm not sure that is coming across.

 

[Verse 1]

Flying down the

Skyline Drive in an

April burst of Spring

 

Bare tree limbs like

Dark paint drips on

A bright blue canvas sky.

 

Mountain ranges a-

Range themselves like

Waves rolling off the sea

 

In the valley below

They marched to and fro

In the War Between the States

 

[Chorus 1]

Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped Chickadee

Come to the feeder, taking a seed

Through the window each eating alone

Find for myself what I will never be.

 

[instrumental Bridge]

 

[Verse 2]

I was running late

To visit my uncle

Who rarely went far from home

 

Looked so much like

My father

Could be twins if you didn't know

 

The cancer cells

Which laid him down

Were there, still unobserved

 

I'm tired

I can't do much

It comes with being old

 

[Chorus 2]

Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped Chickadee

Come to the feeder, taking a seed

Through the window each eating alone

Find for myself what I will never be.

 

[instrumental Bridge]

 

[Verse 3]

Shared schools and

Holidays

Shared the same small room

 

But I never knew

What was in his

Head and one day he was gone

 

For a year he

Didn't return

And he never really did

 

Explain what had

Happened or where

He had been

 

[Chorus 3]

He must have gone to the movies and traveled by train

He liked Punjabi food and walking in the rain

Spoke a little Urdu; knew the names of all the stars

He returned with the knowledge of engines and cars

 

[instrumental Bridge]

 

[Chorus 4]

Cardinal, Titmouse, Black Capped Chickadee

Come to the feeder, taking a seed

Through the window each eating alone

Find for myself what I will never be.

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Ram:

 

The first version is far superior.

 

Yes, it is disjointed, but so is Picasso. The juxtaposition between the birds and the burst of spring and the darkness of the other material is perfect. Life is like that; birds singing at funerals, tears in the midst of laughter.

 

Your use of unexpected jumps makes for a challenging read, but then so is Milton. Not every song is a spoonfeeder. When it's over, it comes together. I get what you are doing here and itis exceptional work. Will it be a radio hit? No, but so what? It works; it just challenges the listener to keep up.

 

I love it. Don't change a thing.

 

(Edit: Love the title. Just notied the dates. I didn't see this the first time around. Why the changes?)

 

EG

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The first version has so many great lines that are left out of your revision. I'd go for the first and wouldn't worry so much that the listener can't understand. It'll force the listener to actually listen and devise for themselves what the storyline is. That may not be your goal, but it's always a good result in my experience, when the listener can not only take from the story but also add to it.

 

 

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