Members LeonardScaper Posted October 13, 2008 Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 OK...... Since my albums are not selling well.......I work construction during the days. At a large job that I am running I have a township inspector who's son is in a metal band. My inspector friend, who I aim to please, is a songwriter.....(he does not play an instrument). I, of course, claim to be one also. Last week he was singing this tune and wondering if we might collaberate on fleshing it out into something. Yesterday (Sunday), while watching my favorite football team in the studio, I tracked some things following these lyrics.....as written down (exactly) by him: It's all about you The games you play It's all about you I feel the pain It's all about you What did you gain It's all about you I feel the same IT'S ALL ABOUT ME As sung by him, it seems to be in the rock genre....maybe Robert Plante. Those of you who have graciously listened to my offerings will most probably agree that I don't do Plante very well so, with that in mind, I am not quite ready to post my first attempt....although I know that, if prompted, I will....and endure my abuse like a man. I'll get his review of it tomorrow. Any takers on some lyrics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 Man... has he been visiting my podcast/blog? From the last song I wrote: I've got a reason for all that I do life's got a meaning I'll explain it to you it's all about me it's not about you and it's all a part of the game More proof great minds think alike... ... I'm assuming he has a great mind? What he's got so far looks like a good skeleton to hang some flesh on... he's got a feeling running through it... he's got an open ended rhyme thing going... he's got timeless elements (you... me... games... pain -- throw in drug or alcohol damage and you've pretty much got the guts of all my songs. ) Seems like there's got to be a way to resolve the dichotomy between the first line and the last. What 's down so far seems to buy something about truth... (potentially rhymes with you -- in my world ) It's all about you The games you play It's all about you I feel the pain It's all about you What did you gain It's all about you I feel the same IT'S ALL ABOUT ME I'm just gonna fly some stuff off the top of my head... It's all about you These games you play Everything you do I always feel the pain It's all about you But What did you gain It's all about you I feel the same [??? -- I'm not liking this line... it just needs to be drawn out... what is he feeling 'the same' about? Has he always felt the same? Is it the same way she feels or the same way he's always felt?] IT'S ALL ABOUT ME [-- clearly this is the punchline but we still need to get from point A to point Z... and we don't have that in the middle yet. Not even enough of a hint to show us where to go. He probably has that in his head -- on some vague level. That's kind of how I work. Each new part of a song I add in helps define and shape what the remaining lines have to be. Each new part defines what the song means. Or expresses how the feeling will be represented or... something.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 14, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 Seems like there's got to be a way to resolve the dichotomy between the first line and the last. That is exactly what I am working on. EDIT: That dichotomy could be the very strength of this song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 Oh, heck yeah. I figure it is the engine that will drive the finished vehicle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 I don't know. I mean, you do what you need to do to preserve your professional relationships, and no offense to Blue2Blue, but those are some frickin awful lyrics. I wouldn't touch that project with a ten foot pole. my $.02 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 I'm a big fan of icy lemonade on a hot day. The way I'm looking at it is that the lyrics above are a given and it's up to Lenny and friends to extend, shape, and transmute... but all while leaving enough of the original sense of things so that his friend the nascent songwriter can feel like it's still his. I view every songwriter as a work in progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 kind of seem like some bad country lyrics to me. Maybe you can sell the lyrics to kid rock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 14, 2008 Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 Country lyrics are generally more interconnected. Classic country is often about clever word play, not necessarily super sophisticated word play, but there has to be a certain amount of cleverness -- even of the groaner variety (sometimes especially)... but a country song without a punch line or a great verbal or metaphoric hook is not going to go too far, as a rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 14, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 14, 2008 I don't know. I mean, you do what you need to do to preserve your professional relationships, and no offense to Blue2Blue, but those are some frickin awful lyrics. I wouldn't touch that project with a ten foot pole.my $.02 Told you it was a challenge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 15, 2008 UPDATE......... My inspector was replaced, and my job production has been great so we are off this job tomorrow. So....since I'm between Scapers songs....I think I'll grind on his song for a bit. Here is my take: Bear in mind that I tracked while watching the Phila Eagles therefore paying little to no attention to guit tone or vox tone. My lyrics go somethin' like this: It's all about you and the games you play It's all about youI feel your pain bleed through. What did you gain When it was all about youI feel the same that's true.It's all about you.Or is it all about me? instr. It's all about, all about , all about, all about you It's all about me.It's all about you It's all about.........All about me.....it's all about....... interlude Oh, Oh, Oh, where are you goin' girl It's all about youOh, Oh, Oh what if it's all about me? Oh, Oh, Oh, what are you dreams and will they come true?Oh, Oh Oh it's all about....... It's all about me. instr. It's all about you and the games you play It's all about youI feel the sameBut it's true....... Might be all about meAll about me. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6974701 Did I mention that I was watching football while I tracked this? Anybody have a ten foot pole that I can borrow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 15, 2008 Members Share Posted October 15, 2008 Anybody have a ten foot pole that I can borrow?There was a 6'8" Serbian-American guy on my hi skool football and basketball teams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 15, 2008 Members Share Posted October 15, 2008 I gotta say that the song is way better than it ever deserved to be - right now it's a fascinating shambolic mess, like Ry Cooder high on smack at a Rolling Stones rehearsal where Keith never bothered to show up. If all you have to keep is "It's all about you/It's all about me" then I think you could build an effective song out of that. The self-centeredness and implicit misogyny of the original really turned me off, but the current lyrics seem servicable enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 15, 2008 Members Share Posted October 15, 2008 Um... how do you know it's directed to a woman, Ram? Aren't we being a tad... provincial? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 15, 2008 Members Share Posted October 15, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 16, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2008 Saw my inspector friend today. He was gracious about my attempt but really wanted his lyrics to be intact. After tomorrow I will most likely never see him again. His tune, on the other hand, may have legs. Unless my muse strikes with a vengeance......which is not out of the question......I intend to use this tune as an exercise. Hate to say it, but like a bad penny this one may turn up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 16, 2008 Members Share Posted October 16, 2008 I'm not sure I'd make it part of my set, Lenny. I'd hate to see it crowd out any of the fine stuff that you've written. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 16, 2008 Members Share Posted October 16, 2008 wow - talentless and graceless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 16, 2008 Members Share Posted October 16, 2008 Well, to play devil's advocate... the writer (the inspector) has invested his emotional energy into these words -- so much so, likely enough, that he thinks they convey more than they do. When he hears them, he gets the message -- because he already knows the message. When someone suggests changing or augmenting the lyrics, the inspector probably feels that someone is trying to change the message -- since he presumably is thinking the message is implicit in them. His reluctance from that perspective, may be more understandable. Of course, it's a common problem for beginning writers and it's something he'll have to overcome if he's to progress. I guess I didn't do such a good job of playing devil's advocate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 18, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 18, 2008 OK..... I have risen to the challenge and I now post the final version of 'All About You'. I think that it is truly a good idea for songwriters to step out of their comfort zone and see what happens when they accept a challenge. That said, this song will self-destruct 60 seconds after you hear it. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6974701 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 19, 2008 Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 Sounds pretty good, Lenny, all things considered. I take it the picture on the SC page is your co-writer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted October 19, 2008 Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 Cred to B2B for attempting to see both sides- I'm sure you're right, but of course it doesn't make the lyrics any better . I didn't comment on the original because, well, I didn't have anything constructive or pleasant to say- it's not even lyrics to comment on yet. The version with your words added is much better, but still poxed by the original, oh so painful, effort. And while the lyrics themselves are still the weakest part of the song, I posted to say that IMHO you pretty well saved the unsave-able. I think you managed to take the focus off the words with a politician's grace, and place it on some interesting music and a groove that actually seems to be complimented by the lyrics. It's a true act of musicianship, and a real one-handed catch. I didn't envy you in this task at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted October 19, 2008 Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 And BTW, I really like the 'ah ah ah where are you going girl' interlude, and the bass line right after. Excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 19, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 a real one-handed catch. A diving, crash off the wall one handed catch. Can't say it saved the game, though. Thanks, Sentry, for looking at the bright side of this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members richardmac Posted October 19, 2008 Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 Well, to play devil's advocate... the writer (the inspector) has invested his emotional energy into these words -- so much so, likely enough, that he thinks they convey more than they do. When he hears them, he gets the message -- because he already knows the message.When someone suggests changing or augmenting the lyrics, the inspector probably feels that someone is trying to change the message -- since he presumably is thinking the message is implicit in them. His reluctance from that perspective, may be more understandable.Of course, it's a common problem for beginning writers and it's something he'll have to overcome if he's to progress.) Jumping into this thread late. I don't normally check out this forum. That's a really, really good point. I think even people who've been writing for a long time sometimes suffer the same problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 19, 2008 Members Share Posted October 19, 2008 Jumping into this thread late. I don't normally check out this forum. That's a really, really good point. I think even people who've been writing for a long time sometimes suffer the same problem. Yeah... it's always a danger when we get too close to our own lyrics. I'll put some cool little allusion in to 'Webcor, Webcor' or white alligators in the sewer and then, later, realize that not everyone is a Captain Beefheart or Thomas Pynchon afficianado. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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