Members Bright_Midnight Posted March 7, 2009 Members Share Posted March 7, 2009 www.myspace.com/britemidnight heres a song, rough copy, that ive done, here are the lyrics. Verse 1: Jim was a modern man Dressed to kill always under the gun He ventured near and far trying to catch the stars Under the engine of his big red American car But all he could ever seem to find Was the golden glow Of the bright midnight Verse 2: Jim was a gambling man Born for the neon of the desert sands A roll here, a shuffle there Win or lose he didn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted March 8, 2009 Members Share Posted March 8, 2009 Welcome to the Songwriting Forum. The basic mission of the forum is the discussion of the art and craft of songwriting and offering assistance with feedback and constructive criticism on new songs and other works in progress. Of course, giving thoughtful comment requires some time and energy. Like so much in life -- what you get out of it will likely depend on what you put in... I hope you'll share your insight with others when they're looking for critiques -- it's a great way to let people get to know you. And the more that people know you as someone who is willing to help out, the more eager they'll be to help you when you're looking for some good ol' constructive crit. blue2blue moderator, songwriting forum SW Forum Guidelines and Resources ___________________________________________ And now on to the song... Lots of fun elements, here... but they don't quite come together and stay together. The vocal delivery would have been trendy a decade or 15 years ago (the 90s run together for me) and is part of a long tradition going back to the Velvet Underground's "The Gift" and beyond. It works well enough for what it is, but I found that I burnt out on the smart-ass-college-boy-reading-short-story style of songcraft back in the 90s, if not maybe before, so I think I understand your concern. It might take a little tinkering but it looks like the key to singing these lyrics is primarily a matter of getting the rhythm/phrasing/rests right. You might have to trim a few syllables here and there and finesse the reading or drop into spoken rhythm a bit but you should be able to do that without too much trouble. I fooled around singing along with it and it seemed pretty easy. This ain't the guitar forum... but I have to say that while much of the guitar works well enough, it really goes off the rails once or twice, and not in that cool, outsider, experimental way but rather in that clumsy, I forget where the notes are way. You sound like a good enough guitarist that you shouldn't have such moments of awkwardness. (If you want to hear that kind of thing done right, check out Robert Quine's guitar on the original Richard Hell & the Voidoids album.) I think you've definitely got something potentially cool, here. It just needs to find itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikeo Posted March 8, 2009 Members Share Posted March 8, 2009 That was kinda cool. I still thought it would have be cooler to have a catchy chorus inbetween the verses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitman Posted March 9, 2009 Members Share Posted March 9, 2009 I think if you lock yourself in your room with some of the Doors music, you will see how to make this work. Good lyrics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members popthree Posted March 9, 2009 Members Share Posted March 9, 2009 Nick Cave pulls off the speak/sing thing pretty well.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kV5XkBQsKU Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kojak Posted March 9, 2009 Members Share Posted March 9, 2009 hey bright midnight, like the vocal, suggest you drop the level of the distorted guitar and theres something a bit odd going on with the timing...that intentional? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bright_Midnight Posted March 11, 2009 Author Members Share Posted March 11, 2009 hey bright midnight, like the vocal, suggest you drop the level of the distorted guitar and theres something a bit odd going on with the timing...that intentional?[/quote} yeah must have been something when it bounced to mp3 from logic. need to fix that. the guitar though i kinda wanted to be loud, get that "space cowboy" type sound in there. if its too obnoxious ill try to tone it down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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