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new lyrics feedback ?


Boydog

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I like the angle though you get too literal at times. I would like to hear how it flows together.

 

I am somebody that embraced questions.. and the more questions I asked, the more the church pushed me away.. because "you just have to have faith" is not an acceptable answer to me.

So I can read this with an open mind because I don't have any concerns about the damage that asking questions can cause. If your religion can't hold up to being questioned, then that is something that should concern people imo. I like how you address both sides of the "how life began" argument. I think the actual argument is a lot deeper and you just brush the surface, but at least you address the subject.

 

Keep up the brave work broski

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It's a decent premise, and the rhymes work fine, but one thing occurs to me:

 

One of the most important differences between poetry and lyrics is that lyrics are meant to be sung. A songwriter must always keep in mind that someone is actually going to be singing these words. One of the best ways to test your lyrics for "singability" is to...um....sing them. Have you actually sung the lyrics "a ritualistic slaughtering of the mind"? They don't exactly roll off the tongue.

 

Then again, cumbersome lyrics never slowed down Iron Maiden....so there you go: the exception that proves the rule.

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+1. People who are listening to music don't care what you think. They want to know how you FEEL. Show don't tell, etc., etc.. Unfortunately, your title phrase is the worst offender.

 

 

+1

I'm up for a change any suggestions ?

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I like the idea. Nice start, but as the others said, its a little too straight ahead. I'd like it more if you went after it fom the side.

 

Maybe verse one is excerpts from the preacher's message that illustrates your point. If you had a few lines of the preacher's delivered with the passion of a preacher's voice, that would have a lot more impact. Be selective about your lines, though. Use lines that make make YOU say "WTF? I don't know if I believe that."

 

Verse two is the weak points of the natuarlist's message. If this verse shifted gears a little and sounded like Bill Nye the Science Guy giving some gobbldeygook long winded explanation of something, it would be a cool juxtaposition fro the passion of the first verse.

 

It seems to me that you are making an argument about blind faith in general as both sides ask you to have it. I like that "sword cuts both ways" approach.

 

As it stands, it reads more like an essay than the passion of a song. Your hook is nice, but "ritualistic" doesn't flow all that well to me. I don't know, maybe just "ritual" works better.

 

EG

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I like the idea. Nice start, but as the others said, its a little too straight ahead. I'd like it more if you went after it fom the side.


Maybe verse one is excerpts from the preacher's message that illustrates your point. If you had a few lines of the preacher's delivered with the passion of a preacher's voice, that would have a lot more impact. Be selective about your lines, though. Use lines that make make YOU say "WTF? I don't know if I believe that."


Verse two is the weak points of the natuarlist's message. If this verse shifted gears a little and sounded like Bill Nye the Science Guy giving some gobbldeygook long winded explanation of something, it would be a cool juxtaposition fro the passion of the first verse.


It seems to me that you are making an argument about blind faith in general as both sides ask you to have it. I like that "sword cuts both ways" approach.


As it stands, it reads more like an essay than the passion of a song. Your hook is nice, but "ritualistic" doesn't flow all that well to me. I don't know, maybe just "ritual" works better.


EG

 

this ^ is the exact reason for posting this,,, I can sing the lyrics in my head and make 'em work but it does seem to be lacking the special something that'll take it where it needs to be. I'm having another go at it now and will see how the preacher and rival come out. :cop:

I'm thinking having a sort of head cutting dialog going on between the two.

Am also thinking if changing the title,,, maybe something more like Ritual conditioning or the likes ,, am open to suggestions on this as well.

Thanks guys.

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