Untitled for now 2

I posted another song before, but I tend to really dislike what I've done more and more over time. So here's a new one.

Once again it has no name, but this time there are actual vocals in the recording.

Critique anything. Vocals, guitar work, effects, the generic piano riff from the intro.

[edit] Also, I forgot to mention that I'm looking for artistic critique and not marketability critique. The stuff I make is mostly for me, because I find it fun to create and share. I'm not trying to make it "big" or anything.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=965898&songID=7821096

"untitled #2"

I've never tried to bother

never had a blister

to call my own

They are ever so much younger

ever so much nimbler

I feel so old

Yeah

I don't believe in diamonds

birds or pretty faces

anymore

You bat your pretty eyelids

Bait them but ignore them

find some more

Cool. I liked it. I would like to see some more lyric added. But the "generic" intro fit the feel of the song I think. Maybe "sing" the lyric more as opposed to just "speaking" it if you catch my meaning. Throw in a chorus or a catchy hook or both. But all in all I think you have a good foundation for a potentially really cool song.

Cheers,

Deric

I liked the "radio" effect on the vocals and the claps here and there were very cool. Also, the elec. guitar tone has a cool vibe to it....nice playing on the solo...

When the keys drop out, the song seems to lose a bit too much energy...maybe there is a way to arrange that part a bit differently to keep the energy level higher there.

You might also consider weaving some backing vocals into the song here and there.

You're off to a good start here I think.

I'll second what speierg said about the energy loss when the keys drop out. It's a cool song though. Nice lyrics, nice vocal sound, good pick of keys sounds and guitar tone.

I totally hear it now. I think some "passionate" (lol) piano chords, maybe in a different time signature, would do wonders for the latter part of the song.

I will totally try backing vocals in the next draft. Good idea.

Thanks for the compliments and critique.

[edit] Also, I forgot to mention that I'm looking for artistic critique and not marketability critique. The stuff I make is mostly for me, because I find it fun to create and share. I'm not trying to make it "big" or anything. I should probably put this in the first post.