Tell me what you think "Wish You Knew"

Hey, I don't Know how I feel about this song. Please let me know what you think, whats good whats bad and such. Its a rock type song with a little pop in it I gess i dont know lol my vocal tracks arnt pefect but there good for now. You can hear it at www.myspace.com/benduncan ,its called "Wish You Knew". Here are the lyrics:

Verse

As I walk down this road I don

You are a really great guitarist!

The lyrics are not pro. There are a lot of stilted lines.

The lyrics seem a bit shallow too. I get glimpses of something a little deeper. You need to be more consistent.

I love the line

When I see your face

i forget this place.

That's classic.

Admire from afar, but it's just so hard. - You can do much better than that. You just have to struggle alone to find it.

It seems like you got a crush on this woman. Isn't stuff about living without her a bit ahead of yourself? She doesn't even notice you, and you're telling her you want her to live with her? First have lunch with her.

You got to discard lines that have those extra syllables that you slip in. The lyrics need to be tighter.

Ideally, your vocals could be stronger to match your confident and agressive guitar abilities.

Beakybird

Hey, thanks for the feedback. As far as lyrics go I'v been reading a lot of books and stuff so they are improving, these are better than previous songs. So yeah, there getting better every day The theme of the song was suposed to be like a girl thats my best friend that i'm into but I havent told so I didnt mean some random person I barly know, although that may be the way it sounds to everyone

Thanks!

+1 on the lyrics. There's a little awkwardness in there that takes away from what you're trying to say.

I like the lyrics. Even if they are awkward, they sound sincere. Good song man. I listened to both and kind of like 'Save Me' a little better, but both have that radio friendly sound (not always a bad thing).

Awkwardness in lyrics aren't always a bad thing- like somebody else said, you can sense the sincerity in the lyrics, the way they are right now. It's like you're singing this to your lover, and I pictured myself singing this to my lady as I was reading along. As is, I like it, but it could improve- nothing's perfect. Maybe you should go back and try re-working your lyrics to make them less awkward. Then, if the song loses it's sincerity and urgency with what you're trying to say, you can go back and use your version you submitted to HC.

Thanks for the replies guys. I would like to improve this song, can you tell me specifically what some of the awkward parts are? I don't really understand. thanks!

Tell you what I think I wish I knew? I wish I knew how to quit you...

This song is great man! The vocals! That guitar tone! The writing, 10 on 10, good job, nothing to criticize here.

You've got issues with meter throughout. Compare this with something like, "I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me"--that has a natural, built in rhythm based on the accents in the syllables.

Compare that to:

Too many words..........

Take some of your lines and try to deliver them with fewer actual words. Spaces in the delivery will give you time to work out your meter issues.

Also....try simply turning up your vox. I think your voice has some character that gets overshadowed by those hot guit licks.

And....something about the transitions between the hard and soft parts is a bit bothersome.....maybe a bit abrupt.

This is a good tune, man. You need to grind on it a little and it could be a great tune.

thanks everyone, im going to do some reading about meter and try to fix it! thanks!

Hey, I don't Know how I feel about this song. Please let me know what you think, whats good whats bad and such. Its a rock type song with a little pop in it I gess i dont know lol my vocal tracks arnt pefect but there good for now. You can hear it at www.myspace.com/benduncan ,its called "Wish You Knew". Here are the lyrics:   Verse As I walk down this road I don

First, I like the story... there are some awkward parts in the lyrics -- and I think you need to 'punch up the ending' [more on that in a sec]... but I think you nicely capture that timeless, once-in-a-lifetime feeling when you realize the person you were secretly in love with was also secretly in love with you.

From that perspective, I'm inclined to be 'forgiving' of a few phrases that are a little worn (it's hard to write a love song without treading some well-traveled paths) and a few that are a little awkward. (I would go over this with an eye to seeing if you don't think a couple lines seem more for the convenience of the rhyme scheme than the meaning of the song.)

But -- and you knew there was a but coming, huh -- what I can't quite get past is the sense that the ending is kind of, Oh, yeah, and everything worked out and we lived happily ever after... I mean, what I want to hear is something that conveys the Ode to Joy-like rapture of first love, that crazy drunk-with-love sensibility that the rest of the song seems to build to, that's strongly suggested by the music -- but which is reflected only in a couple of quick sum-up lines...

You made me really get hooked into this guy (the guy in the song)'s dilemma -- but now, at the crucial moment, what should be the climax and resolution -- I get the damn Cliff's Notes wrap up!

I want more.

PS... big, fun guitars but I'd mix 'em down a little to give the rest of the song a chance to breath. The guitars will sound even better when they're in better equilibrium with their surroundings.

Wow you guys are a tough crowd! That's a good thing I guess, That's why it's good to get perspective from a diverse audience because you'll get perspective you don't have.

Well, it's good to be a little tough and tumble when you're giving somebody's piece an honest critique. One of the first pieces I put up here, the first feedback was one word: GAY. Now tell me how helpful that is? How can you know what needs improving in a song when all you hear is gay? I think with all the feedback this song has generated, it may end up being a little different than originally written, but I think it'll be better and I think we'll see the evolution of a good tune turning into a great tune.

You've got a good ear for melody - I think that the verse and chorus melodies are really tight - "walk alone on my own" melody was a nice switch.

The prechorus vocal melody follows the guitar (which I'm never a really a huge fan of) but it can work here.

The lyrics to some of the verses seem a bit wordy and might need to flow better - "admire from afar" is a bit much. whenever I write lyrics, I picture how people would sing them, and I couldn't picture myself singing these at a concert.

"30 minutes past 10"

All in all, i think a really good song, you've got a great knack for arrangement, and melody. I think some lyrics just need some tweaking.

Thanks,

Matt

The music for this is tight. Good active stuff, well played.

You are right about the vocals and the lyrics, although, truth be told, if I were listening to it on a radio I wouldn't have really noticed.

You'll only get better and that should scare some people.

Got very good [Nirvana style?] vibes from this tune.

My improvement advice would be to learn as much as possible about the recording/mixing part - with a sharper production you will conquer the world!

Also - I would have have wanted a little more bite / aggressiveness from your lyrics (but that's probably just because I'm a metal head! )

I love the raw "carelessness" of it... I wish I wrote it.... I am writing a song of similar nature right now as a matter of fact and stuck. Keep "polishing it"... I think the content is there.

absolutly fantastic,

i think you feel this from your heart.