Please give feed back, this is a song i wrote yesterday, i dont have music to it yet.

Please tell me why it is that i am feeling so alone

Yet i am surrounded by smiling faces

I smile but inside i know i am cold

i laugh and i joke just to jar up my pace

each day is dragging on and on without an end in sight

i keep counting down the days untill im seventeen

i know i wont get out with out a fight

i know it has been hectic here lately

but theres one thing i want now : peace

and i know its never going to come

untill that day im with the one

the one i have been banned from

honestly you can ban me if you need

you can chain me up and make me bleed

it still wont phase me, i know what i feel

and i know who i feel it for

nothing could ever break down that door.

i used to know who i am but now, now i am non existent in my own mind,

when i finally stop fighting and i can fall asleep at night,

i am visualizing the long drives, and the sunlight,

i remember how it bore down on me, and i wouldn't trade the feeling.

i couldn't give the memories away if i tried,

all the sleepless nights whispering i love you,

every single tear i cried,

everything I'll never do,

i know she deserves nothing less,

so i attempted to train myself,

so i could be the best,

leave it to me to screw every thing up,

it still heavy on my mind and heart,

i know it wasn't dumb luck,

i found the one that gives me the jump start,

i need at the beginning of every day,

to make me wonder and make me say,

I am glad to be alive and i know I'll survive..

i know that my parents only want the best,

there just trying to look out for me,

still i feel like there's a bomb strapped to my vest,

preventing me from all i could be,

there will always be bumps in our relationships,

is one solid thing too much to ask,

i have no idea where my life is going,

i used to know but i feel like some one or something,

has hijacked my body and just taken over me,

possibly i am letting this get the best of me,

i will never know i am loosing everything,

the game is over before it even begins,

and its not the same when your a friend,

pen in hand, i write all the time,

recording things i wont remember in a week,

the way i feel, and things i do,

forgetting about society's label "freak",

thinking of myself as a beetle,

in a new york street,

doing nothing that i wouldnt regret,

wishing i could go back in time,

there is so much i would change,

so many wrongs i would right,

i would not just hold the chances,

i would take every one that crossed my mind,

will there be a break from everything?,

how can i tame that lost side of me?...

every wrong choice i still blame myself for,

asking myself, why did i have to take more?,

why couldn't i be happy with what i had?,

if i did that it wouldn't be this bad,

i know i am going insane along with psycho,

i can hardly pray and i hardly hope,

if i couldve just done things right,

there's a possibility i could be with her this night,

the match we had couldnt have been more perfect,

really why are there feelings of regret,

i loved her family, i dont think anyone does mine,

but no one has to im leaving here when its time,

i am in love, i know i wont find the same thing again,

i know that she will at least always be a friend,

if i have to i will hold on to nothing,

just forming that perfect image,

my future still doesnt exist without her,

she is every single list.

i will hold on to my love as my life preserver,

and i will hold on to hers forever,

if it fades with time, im not sure what i will do,

i can only hope that our bond stays strong and true.

you put that to music brother and it's gonna be a loooooong ass song.. :poke:

serously, try tightening it up some, go back thru and remove any non-essentials and try putting those that remain into a rhythm that'll work.

Get the basics that convey the whole story and aside the rest for another song cause it appears to me you have at very least three or four in there.

Hey, CK, I hope you saw my comments in your "How do I get my lyrics out" thread.

I'm having trouble seeing much structure and focus in these lyrics. Of course, that probably reflects the point of life you find yourself at, and that confusion and the swirl of emotions and events is evident in your lyrics.

Still, in order for lyrics to work with music, as a rule, they must be matched in some way to the structure of the music. Not all pop music is formed of structured, parallel constructed verses, choruses, bridges, and so forth -- but even in big, sprawling, rambling songs, if you look deep enough, you usually find that structure implicit within the song and the way the lyrics hook up with the music.

Of course, there is structure of form -- but there is also structure of meaning.

And, while this swirl and sweep of lyrics is highly evocative of the wildly varied emotions one can feel swamped with at the age of the singer's character (which I'm guessing is pretty much your age -- but I tend to view a song as a work separate from the writer's life... many songwriters work with a blend of literal truth, figurative truth, and outright fiction in their work), it seems like you could make at least two or three songs out of this set of thoughts and captured feelings.

There's nothing to say that you can't try to capture it all... but usually it's a lot easier to write a coherent, effective song, if it's focused on one subject, one theme. When you do that, you can start to use literary devices like metaphor, allusion, parallel constructions, plot (in the case of ballads -- story songs), as well as the little songwriting lubricants of rhyme, sound, wordplay that make what should be a clockwork machine where each part has and does a specific job run together smoothly. When you bring all these elelments together gracefully, they can fit together so well that folks don't even notice them... they just think, What a great song!

I think that what you've got could be worked into two or maybe three different songs, and thus work it's way into a concept album. That being said, removing the nonessentials, and cutting to the chase is what this piece needs. Get rid of the BS and get straight to the story. It also seems like the last word of each line rhymes for convenience. It has the making of an angsty teen rockout song, but it feels too long, too forced. I know you're saying something here, but it's like a sculpture. Sometimes, you've gotta cut away the excess, you've gotta get rid of that little extra flab to reaveal the true treasure that lies within.

Wow, what a guy to have around the place. Very good advice indeed.

candykane14...have you ever considerd writing an opera?

Good luck matey!

Adey

Dude!!! This is epic. Lots of lots of stuff here. I applaud you for just pouring it out. Turning that faucet on. The language could be a bit more artful. You could edit it down substantially to hone in on the narrative.

But whatever. You've got SOMETHING to say. And this busy, stream of concience thing you got going on here shows passion. I respond to that.

One of the key things about writing is finding your voice. And the only way to find it is to write. A lot. You're on that path. So Keep it up.

And don't let anyone tell you you can't put this to music. It might be a bit awkward and a little jarring, but ANYTHING can be put to music.

I like that attitude.

It shows the important other side of the coin from my own comments. Both impulses are important -- and artistic life is about finding the balance of the moment between the two of them.

I have to agree with the EPIC statement- I'm a big fan of epic and turned in a pretty harsh review... Sometimes, it's best just to forget what everyone else around is doing and saying and just pour out and emote- chances are, you'll feel a lot better after the emoting, having that primal scream and then you can move on. People tend to react to what they can relate to and there definitely are quite a few people who can relate to what you're going through.

wow, thank you all so much.