work in progress critique -- Naked in Cars

a bit of a different approach for me ... here's a demo of a new song i'm working on ... would appreciate any and all feedback

 

comments on vocals and possible instrumentation would be highly on target

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=720152&songID=8323274

 

and thanks in advance

 

a bit of a different approach for me ... here's a demo of a new song i'm working on ... would appreciate any and all feedback comments on vocals and possible instrumentation would be highly on target http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=720152&songID=8323274 and thanks in advance

 

 

The phrasing is off a bit during the verses. You need to tweak it and make it a bit more melodic I think. I dig the refrain though and I liked the lyrics. It's got good potential.

 

Cheers,

Deric Trotter

I like the first verse.....not as keen on the second as the 'moon on a string' image just seems a bit worn.

 

The refrain sticks pretty well.....'Home as distant as the stars.'

 

The funeral cars image is a good one but it didn't quite fit in with the feeling that I was developing during the rest of the song.

 

As I followed the songs development before this thread the title and its attendant imaging has been throwing me off a bit......not really sure why. Hearing it in this lo fi demo format is good, though, as all you have going to get these feelings out to us is your vocal delivery. I think once you refine that you'll be able to take this song somewhere.

 

Regarding instrumentation.....smooth out the song's pace, maybe with a click track if that's your thing. A strong but simple bass line might do it too..........and maybe some sneaky strings coming up under the vocals at times.

ontological, leonard, thank you

 

exactly what i was looking for

one last bump, before i start working on it again

I think it's lovely. I like the progression and how the melody fits over it. 'We were naked in cars' is a great line. I don't know if it's intentional that you use the phrase 'funeral cars' at the top of the last verse but it seems to take away from the chorus to use the word 'cars' outside of the 'naked in cars' phrase. I'd rather you sing 'hearses' or 'all the hearses' or if you can somehow cram 'funeral procession' in there...just my 2 cents. I can really hear this done in a full band arrangement with backing vocals, the whole works.

The phrasing in the verse makes it hard to follow what you're saying. It sounds a bit like you're reading the lyrics off the page.

boy, this is really rough.

i wont really comment on the sound of the recording, i don't think this could be considered a serious effort.

 

naked in cars....

this is a pretty empty hook, for sure.

 

the chord changes sound like a thousand other folk or folk rock tunes.....

vocal is vaguely reminiscent of something between kris K and david allen coe

nah, i like it

 

there's something there

 

it's definitely just a demo, though

I would cut the "funeral cars" - cars should be in the tag line and nowhere else. Other than that, the lyric is good. The phrasing is a little choppy now but some practice should iron that out (it scans fine). Not sure what to say about instrumentation - I have kind of a hang-up about being in tune, and hearing something out of tune really keeps me from being able to focus.

Hard to listen to due to the out of tune guitar and awkward phrasing. For instance "who can".

ah crap... thanks guys

 

I wish I had a better ear. I spent like 15 minutes tuning the guitar ...

ok, here's version 2

 

http://tinyurl.com/yk99u78

 

i incorporated a lot of the suggestions (thank you all)

 

i think the "odd phrasing" is how i mean to sing the song ... take a listen a see what you think, and again, thank you

 

comment on the vocals and possible instrumentation still highly appreciated

infinitely more listenable. Wow! Great use of critisism! I mean the lackadaisical vocals are reminiscent of Will Oldham. It sounds very hip to me now. Great progress!