See what you think of this one - not sure of middle section....

Hi

Here's a song i've recorded - i think i'm happy to leave it as is - there is a small instrumental section in the middle and i've considered putting some lyrics over it but keep listening back without and think its just fine

thoughts?

Song:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=977998&content=songinfo&songID=8599340

Lyrics:

The sounds that we make.

This is the start of the end of something new

Is it beautiful like you?

Mapped out for you on two lines that don't collate

Just another bad mistake.

But the sounds that we make

Are the sounds that we take

To our grave.

You knocked them down on the second time you met

It's so easy to forget.

Like David and his sling you knocked them down like old buildings

The bigger they are the harder they fall.

But the sounds that they make

Are the sounds that they take

To their grave.

I heard your voice like the howling of the wind

Will it blow us all away?

Will it batter then subside right before our very eyes?

It's impossible to say.

But the sounds that we make

Are the sounds that we take

To our grave.

Yeah, I dig that. The middle section could use something though. I does work, you're right but... how about the Volga Boat Men's Choir making a return for some neat chorale work. A simple lyric motif and do some cool Bach-like arrangement a la XTC/Partridge? Maybe even a high shouted Andy thing off in the distance behind the Volga Boys?

I like this tune. One minor quibble with the lyric.

Like David and his sling you knocked them down like old buildings

The bigger they are the harder they fall.

I get lost on the rhyme scheme. And the The bigger they are... it would be cool to say something that twists the cliche about David etc. Seems like a great opportunity to say something new. Just like you did so well in your chorus. I love how you say an old truism in a simple yet new way.

Well done.

hmmm yeh i will have a think about the bigger they are line - i have to say it isnt really bothering me, im mean you're right its kinda obvious but at the same time for me says exactly what i want it to say - kinda how you can overcome anything no matter of its size - but i will have a think see if i can come up with anything different that still says what i want it to

thanks

x

And that's a big part of what makes your stuff work, so... you are wise taking any suggestions on your stuff with a grain of salt. You too good.

(maybe I should re-think that grain of salt cliche? )

But yeah, you've got great insticts. Can't fault you for sticking to your guns. Wait, I just used another cliche?

ha thanks for the compliment but i do take the advice - bit pointless posting here if i thought i was above taking any advice!

x

Very cool. You really surprised me with this. I love the bassline, and your voice is really cool. reminds me of Syd Barrett. I'd love to hear more of your stuff some time.

yeah, i really, really like this

some bass/baritone vocals towards the end of the middle section wouldn't hurt ... but it's good as is