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Advice on bridge


Lee Knight

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The song Sleep. It struck me that it doesn't tell enough of a story. So I composed a melody for a bridge while waiting for my train this moring (love that handheld recorder) then just penned the lyric.

How's it hangin' with the verse and chorus?

V1
Twenty four hours in the day
Half them you

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Super picky's what I'm looking for :)

I know... I'm not too taken by the proper rhyme options and I do really like...

No gravity holding you down

So I'm trying to rhyme "Down"... "clouds" is closest to what I'm trying to invoke. So far. I'm usually not too into false rhymes but... hmmm.

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where faces in the clouds abound

maybe too wordy but this past weekend the 3 year old and I had alot of fun looking through the sun roof trying to see stuff in the clouds

EDIT: abound and down... ehh... that could probably be better too
EDIT.2: You could keep the bridge the same and add something at the end to tie in to dare

For example, a spoken or whispered "you're almost there" might make for a really neat transition to a different type of chorus. I would be inclined to try an acapella run through. Maybe add a pad or instrumentation back at "and dream"
Might be too dramataic

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I like the bridge. As you say, it expands and deepens the story to include a dreamworld.

The rhyme of lines 2 & 4 shouldn't be too difficult to fix up. Some possibilities:

...away from gravity's grip
...through the clouds you slip

...away from gravity's pull
..clouds of cotton wool

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Too much? Too wordy?

Bridge
Gone where your wishes are lighter than air
No gravity holding you down
You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare
Higher still higher... you're almost there
It strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no sound
As you tumble right side up up side down
Never touching the ground

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Too much? Too wordy?


Bridge

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Higher still higher... you're almost there

It strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no sound

As you tumble right side up up side down

Never touching the ground

 

 

It is wordy but I dont think too. As long as you can make it work in the context of the song, I think it is great.

 

I really like "As you tumble right side up up side down" The line itself feels like you are tumbling so to speak. Great attention to detail. I look forward to hearing it avec le bridge

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Too much? Too wordy?


Bridge

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Higher still higher... you're almost there

It strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no sound

As you tumble right side up up side down

Never touching the ground

 

 

I like it. Good images. The bridge as a whole is not overly long, but the 5th line might be slightly too long; it's got a lot of syllables.

How about: "The wind through your hair makes no sound" ?

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I like it. Good images. The bridge as a whole is not overly long, but the 5th line might be slightly too long; it's got a lot of syllables.

How about: "The wind through your hair makes no sound" ?

 

 

that's good

 

Bridge

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Higher still higher... you're almost there

The wind through your hair makes no sound

As you tumble right side up up side down

Never touching the ground

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I like the down/clouds rhyme. It shows that you are using your ears and not your eyes or a rhyming dictionary.

 

Working in a tighter rhyme may get you an A in your creative writing class' sonnet assignment, but it could just wreck the song. It's a shame that we have to use the word "perfect" when describing moon/June/spoon rhymes, though they often offer the perfect chance to sabotage good lines and send a song into the soporific sonic slums.

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Shorten the bridge to...


Bridge

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Through the clouds

 

 

I kinda like the unusual structure of the 7-line bridge.

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Shorten the bridge to...


Bridge

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Through the clouds

 

 

 

I think that's what I had originally.

 

Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Through the clouds

 

I'm actually leaning toward the original but like to play the game of jumping through hoops to see what can come out of it... I like the odd 7 line structure too. I think the original's going to flow in the context better but if it doesn't, well, I've got an alternative.

 

God, I need some time to record.

 

Thanks for all the feedback so far. This is an amazing process for me. To post, receive feedback, respond. It's great. Thank you.

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I think that's what I had originally.


Gone where your wishes are lighter than air

No gravity holding you down

You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare

Through the clouds


I'm actually leaning toward the original but like to play the game of jumping through hoops to see what can come out of it... I like the odd 7 line structure too. I think the original's going to flow in the context better but if it doesn't, well, I've got an alternative.


God, I need some time to record.


Thanks for all the feedback so far. This is an amazing process for me. To post, receive feedback, respond. It's great. Thank you.

 

 

I meant just the two hi-lited lines...everything after that seems to be trying to hard...kiss:)

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I meant just the two hi-lited lines...everything after that seems to be trying to hard...kiss:)

 

 

I see. Got it... yeah, that flies as well. That's a good alternative if I go the original bridge and it still sounds like too much. I could then drop out the even lines and use the space. Good stuff. Thanks.

 

Keep It Saucy, Sam?

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