Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2010 Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2010 The song Sleep. It struck me that it doesn't tell enough of a story. So I composed a melody for a bridge while waiting for my train this moring (love that handheld recorder) then just penned the lyric. How's it hangin' with the verse and chorus? V1 Twenty four hours in the day Half them you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 I like the imagery but to be super picky, I dont like the way "through the clouds" reads. It might work sung but I would like to see a tighter rhyme in the bridge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2010 Super picky's what I'm looking for I know... I'm not too taken by the proper rhyme options and I do really like...No gravity holding you down So I'm trying to rhyme "Down"... "clouds" is closest to what I'm trying to invoke. So far. I'm usually not too into false rhymes but... hmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 where faces in the clouds abound maybe too wordy but this past weekend the 3 year old and I had alot of fun looking through the sun roof trying to see stuff in the clouds EDIT: abound and down... ehh... that could probably be better too EDIT.2: You could keep the bridge the same and add something at the end to tie in to dare For example, a spoken or whispered "you're almost there" might make for a really neat transition to a different type of chorus. I would be inclined to try an acapella run through. Maybe add a pad or instrumentation back at "and dream" Might be too dramataic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDR Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 I like the bridge. As you say, it expands and deepens the story to include a dreamworld. The rhyme of lines 2 & 4 shouldn't be too difficult to fix up. Some possibilities: ...away from gravity's grip ...through the clouds you slip ...away from gravity's pull ..clouds of cotton wool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2010 Too much? Too wordy?BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than air No gravity holding you down You climb through the sky like a kid on a dare Higher still higher... you're almost there It strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no sound As you tumble right side up up side down Never touching the ground Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 Too much? Too wordy?BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareHigher still higher... you're almost thereIt strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no soundAs you tumble right side up up side downNever touching the ground It is wordy but I dont think too. As long as you can make it work in the context of the song, I think it is great. I really like "As you tumble right side up up side down" The line itself feels like you are tumbling so to speak. Great attention to detail. I look forward to hearing it avec le bridge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDR Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 Too much? Too wordy?BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareHigher still higher... you're almost thereIt strikes you the wind blowing through your hair makes no soundAs you tumble right side up up side downNever touching the ground I like it. Good images. The bridge as a whole is not overly long, but the 5th line might be slightly too long; it's got a lot of syllables.How about: "The wind through your hair makes no sound" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2010 I like it. Good images. The bridge as a whole is not overly long, but the 5th line might be slightly too long; it's got a lot of syllables.How about: "The wind through your hair makes no sound" ? that's good BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareHigher still higher... you're almost thereThe wind through your hair makes no soundAs you tumble right side up up side downNever touching the ground Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDR Posted March 9, 2010 Members Share Posted March 9, 2010 looking forward to hearing a recording Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 It comes... Even a rough version with the guitar will help sketch out to the listener/reader what you have in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 I like the down/clouds rhyme. It shows that you are using your ears and not your eyes or a rhyming dictionary. Working in a tighter rhyme may get you an A in your creative writing class' sonnet assignment, but it could just wreck the song. It's a shame that we have to use the word "perfect" when describing moon/June/spoon rhymes, though they often offer the perfect chance to sabotage good lines and send a song into the soporific sonic slums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 Shorten the bridge to... BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than air No gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dare Through the clouds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grantsabbath Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 I'm with stackabones on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDR Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 Shorten the bridge to...BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareThrough the clouds I kinda like the unusual structure of the 7-line bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2010 Shorten the bridge to...BridgeGone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareThrough the clouds I think that's what I had originally. Gone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareThrough the clouds I'm actually leaning toward the original but like to play the game of jumping through hoops to see what can come out of it... I like the odd 7 line structure too. I think the original's going to flow in the context better but if it doesn't, well, I've got an alternative. God, I need some time to record. Thanks for all the feedback so far. This is an amazing process for me. To post, receive feedback, respond. It's great. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 I think that's what I had originally.Gone where your wishes are lighter than airNo gravity holding you downYou climb through the sky like a kid on a dareThrough the cloudsI'm actually leaning toward the original but like to play the game of jumping through hoops to see what can come out of it... I like the odd 7 line structure too. I think the original's going to flow in the context better but if it doesn't, well, I've got an alternative. God, I need some time to record.Thanks for all the feedback so far. This is an amazing process for me. To post, receive feedback, respond. It's great. Thank you. I meant just the two hi-lited lines...everything after that seems to be trying to hard...kiss:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2010 I meant just the two hi-lited lines...everything after that seems to be trying to hard...kiss:) I see. Got it... yeah, that flies as well. That's a good alternative if I go the original bridge and it still sounds like too much. I could then drop out the even lines and use the space. Good stuff. Thanks. Keep It Saucy, Sam? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 .Keep It Saucy, Sam? Thats one example or keep it simple sam Saucy taste better though:lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2010 Kinda itchy sometimes, Sally? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted March 10, 2010 Members Share Posted March 10, 2010 Keep it stiff, stud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2010 Author Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2010 Keep it stiff, stud. That's right. That was Annie Sprinkles I believe that is known for that quote? That and Into the breach... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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