What do you guys think of this?

a few weeks back you guys might remember i made a thread titled "how do i get passed the barrier of thinking everything i write is cheesy?"

well i ended up writing something. it's not 100% finished but it's a start. I'd like some input and comments.

While you're crying

I'll be smiling

I'll be a million miles away

Do your best to apologize

But this is all i'd say

I'm closing the book on you

I'm closing the book on you

Baby, i've thought it through

I'm closing the book on you

You'll be yelling

and i'm sure you'll be swearing

I'll be on the other side of the globe

Nothing you can do about it now

But i thought i should let you know

I'm closing the book on you

I'm closing the book on you

Baby, i've thought it through

I'm closing the book on you

Do you think this one is cheesy?

I think you've got yourself a good hook going here.......

I like the way it starts also.......a million miles away.

EDIT:

Now if you were to be looking for cheesy.............

i think anything i write is cheesy at all times, so that question doesn't need to be asked.

although i feel this is less cheesy then normal.

Not this one.

The chorus is solid, but the verses don't really do anything for me. Why not work the "closing the book" metaphor into the verses? Put you on the shelf, finish the chapter, etc.

The chorus is solid, but the verses don't really do anything for me. Why not work the "closing the book" metaphor into the verses? Put you on the shelf, finish the chapter, etc.

He's worried about cheesy and you want him to use " put it on the shelf"?

There's a third and 5th line ryhme in verse one that doesn't appear in the second verse. I know some are opposed to rhymes but IMHO if you start a song rhyming verse and chorus it sounds strange to change. Probaly set to music it wouldn't matter but reading it throws me off.

Sometimes I like to use alternates in the chorus like substitue "Baby there ain't much you can do" for " Baby I've though it through"

He's worried about cheesy and you want him to use " put it on the shelf"?

"Put it on the shelf" might not be the greatest example, since it does sound a little cliche. It could work though.

But I agree, if the hook is "closing the book", it seems like you should work at least one book metaphor into the verses somewhere. You don't have to go overboard, since it is a rather short lyric. One or two lines should be enough to tie it all together.

He's worried about cheesy and you want him to use " put it on the shelf"?

Good point! Those were just examples -- bad examples of the cheese he should avoid.

Still something has to connect the chorus to the verses, don't ya think?

Good point! Those were just examples -- bad examples of the cheese he should avoid. Still something has to connect the chorus to the verses, don't ya think?

Stack

Agreed but where do you draw the line between helping him out and completely dismantling his song?

You're killing me, RA!

Mea culpa!

He's worried about cheesy and you want him to use " put it on the shelf"?

Maybe not the best example But there are plenty of other ways to work that angle.

Have you ever lost your place in a book and it wasnt really good enough to justify figuring out where you were so you just leave it down. It might fall off the night stand and wind up under the bed lost.

What kind of book is this person. Novel. A collection of short stories. Or maybe one short story from a collection.

It's ok to be cheesey? Just don't be "Butt cheesey..."