One line help? - Downhill Slippery

I've been working on this one line of Downhill Slippery Slope. It was pointed out by some astute dude that "They can

I love Alt2.

3rd

I dunno - what about this? ties in with the slipping and the timing

My hands are bleeding from the climbing

Fingers torn up, red, and raw

I

I'll elaborate.

All these wonderfully explosive k sounds really puts you in the moment. It's a line full of action and a blast to say and sing.

Tick tocking kick and claw

The intial t sounds are nice, too. And the instances of assonance within that line are marvelous. This is the kind of line songwriters write and admire, while the other lines are ones that songwriters despise and rewrite.

The nature's law line sound a bit middle-aged Tennyson, but a clever allusion. It works, but it takes you outside the song. And the fatal flaw is a nightmare straight out of a community college writer's workshop. It tells, but it doesn't show.

I'll elaborate. All these wonderfully explosive k sounds really puts you in the moment. It's a line full of action and a blast to say and sing. Ti ck to ck ing k i ck and c law The intial t sounds are nice, too. And the instances of assonance within that line are marvelous. This is the kind of line songwriters write and admire, while the other lines are ones that songwriters despise and rewrite. The nature's law line sound a bit middle-aged Tennyson, but a clever allusion. It works, but it takes you outside the song. And the fatal flaw is a nightmare straight out of a community college writer's workshop. It tells, but it doesn't show.

I agree with all that. It's my favorite for the same reasons.

ha well yeh the idea where there i guess if you want to go with the idea then it may need a little tweak... im afraid this bit is up to you though

I like the 3rd.

He's the born loser right? So the "always" works great.

jeff

ha well yeh the idea where there i guess if you want to go with the idea then it may need a little tweak... im afraid this bit is up to you though

We're just brainstorming. It's fun. And your idea has merit, I was only exploring it further. First thing I did with your line is I thought...

"I love his songs, and I don't write like that, so what is right about that line that I'm missing. What can I learn here?"

And it is the naturalness of it.

I also like all the hard sounds on alt2. A very close second is your twist on Stickboy's line.

p.s tick tocking line from the top choices for sure.... im sure it will run off very nicely

x

I

I preferred third option. The reason is that in previous line you wrote that "I