Members rhino55 Posted June 24, 2010 Members Share Posted June 24, 2010 Your comment in another thread got me thinking. I decided to rest that other tune I've been grudging and ended up getting halfway through another. I think its a little better about the showing. at least I hope it is:D mammas got chicken in the kitchenbabys sleeping fastdadys got a secret he cant hardly holdand hes scared that he wont lastHe knows about an old pine grovefilled up with blueberriesthey gonna spend one morning pickingwatching the child chase wild ferrieshe brings his plan to mammaand ask what she thinksshes game if he isand turns to back to the sink he left the best part outhes wanting it to be a surprisethey'll take their lunch under those treespicknickin under ?????? skies *there will be another long section mainly about either the picking, bugs, or the long possibly quite ride back home* He left the best part outhes wanting it to be a surprisewith most this haul they're making wineCome a year ?????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted June 24, 2010 Members Share Posted June 24, 2010 That's nice imagery there. Is there a specific question or are you just looking for general? Interesting thread title but it worked, eh? EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 24, 2010 Author Members Share Posted June 24, 2010 ummm, I guess I didnt really have a question, maybe just to find out if thats what you had in mind as far as imagery, although any input is always welcome. I felt I should post a thread because I wanted to tell you and the rest of the forum participants thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted June 24, 2010 Members Share Posted June 24, 2010 Well, yeah, that's much better then. Images allow the listener to fill in the gaps on their own. If you just tell the story, it's like reading the newspaper...informative but bland. I like where you're headed. EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Members Share Posted June 25, 2010 The second verse sings well but might not be as strong as the first. What do you guys think? mammas got chicken in the kitchenbabys sleeping fastdadys got a secret he cant hardly holdand hes scared that he wont lastHe knows about an old pine grovefilled up with blueberriesthey gonna spend one morning pickingwatching the child chase wild ferrieshe brings his plan to mammaand ask what she thinksshes game if he isand turns to back to the sink he left the best part outhes wanting it to be a surprisethey'll take their lunch under those treespicknickin under partly cloudy skiespicknickin under partly cloudy skies Time to load up the their wagon4 sacks completely fulljust enough rain earlier in the weekto make it hard to pullThat walk back to the truck Is always longer than the one inStow the bounty and check for bugsThe days first quite is about to beginMammas got her feet propped up Babys fast asleepDaddies got a secret on his mindHe can hardly keep He left the best part outhes wanting it to be a surprisemost this haul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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