Song Lyrics Feedback?

Hey everyone -

I'd appreciate feedback on some song lyrics I recently wrote: It's basically about a "lone ranger" type of guy, someone who has spent most of his life wandering from place to place. Never resting long in any one spot, he lives a nomadic life and avoids getting settled in anywhere so that he can't be hurt emotionally.

"The Soloist"

You can't hurt a man with nothing to lose

Just skin and bones, he'll only bruise

No heart to start

No clock to wind

No looking back, leave the world behind

Lying back, bent and broken

Mind complete, and yet unspoken

So listen close, I'll tell you this

the final words of the soloist

...It's not quite finished, but this is just a sample. Thanks for reading!

~nike_storm

I like: "The final words of the soloist". I think the conflict between "soloist", which suggests someone who expresses themselves in a purely musical way, and "final words" is why I like it.

I don't like: "nothing to lose" (cliche), "just skin and bones" (cliche), "no looking back" (cliche), "leave the world behind" (cliche), "No heart" (cliche), "bent and broken" (cliche). Think about what you really want to express and say it in your own words.

It's a bit earnest, and vague.

How about (and this is purely off the cuff, but just to get the gist)

In his winter, bones were old

he liked to drink his coffee cold

laid down shrouded in the river's mist

the final words of the soloist

ok, it's bad, but here we know he likes cold coffee, he's near a river... In yours, it is all vague. Pepper it with some specifics. If he's a soloist, does he have a broken flute? etc..

that's the kind of stuff I like.

OOOH, I like this idea...makes me think of Batman or something...

How about...

You can hurt a man with nothing to lose,

but not in ways they all want to

Skin and bone, he'll only bruise

but he won't let the pain through

no clock to wind

listen closely

no heart to start

you'll hear nothing

he doesn't know that he can stop

he couldn't even if he tried

his mind is sharp, his body taut,

he knows they won't leave him alive

lying back, bent and broken

he always knew it'd come to this

body spent, mind unspoken

the final words of the Soloist

I dunno...you might not be into ABAB rhyming patterns, and this might be in a completely different direction than you were thinking. BUT maybe there's something you can use in there.

You've got a good setup with the first part, telling us this guy's nature, then you've got a good last part, telling us how he ends up, but you need a second act, kind of bridging the two so that he's not fine in one scene and then dying in the next for no reason. Yeah, no clock to wind, no heart to start might be a little cliched, but it'll probably still sound cool sung over an awesome melody, and it goes toward the point of making this guy sound like he's got nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

Questions these lyrics make me ask:

Why is he moving on? Does he even know? Is there someone after him? Why would someone WANT to hurt him? If nobody is after him, is he running from something HE did? Is this going to end up being a ballad? If so, why is the narrator hanging out with this guy? Is the narrator the person who was after this guy? For revenge? For justice? Was he trying to save the guy, but got there too late?

I dunno, just some stuff to think about...

Sarah

Jealous Creatures