Looking for opinions/critiques of original song and lyrics

Here's an original of mine called "Cold Glass":

I used to be more focused on the instrumental stuff, but lately I've been trying to develop my lyrics and voice more. Let me know what you think.

The lyrics are in the video description on Youtube.

Any comments appreciated, thanks!

Nice guitar work. Your voice fits the guitar work.

I think the reference to the "cavalry coming" is a little cliched and outdated though, but that's just me though.

I think it would be nicer with some easy brushes goin on for the percussion tho.

Good work overall.

Thanks for the feedback, KingOfBling! I did want to add some percussion, but I don't have a drum kit and I don't really like the sound of the Midi drums on GarageBand

I like it. Not really the sort of music I listen to, but I really like your voice, and think it's a well constructed song. I actually think it works well without percussion, and if you did add some I think it should be minimal.

This has an agreeably morose sound to it that sticks with you after the song ends... and the central metaphor of the broken glass helps support that nicely... but there's a little disconnect, lyrically, between the parts. I like the image of listening for the cavalry coming -- and it gives a nice intriguing first line -- but then that doesn't quite fit with the broken glass metaphor. And neither really benefits from a connection to the chorus/refrain with its cautious uplift -- although I think you might get something going if you focused more on the broken glass -- since it implies that each fragment is alone but once part of something greater -- still, if one were to get over-literal there, it might seem mechanistic and hokey. Overall, I like the feel, but I can't help but think a little more lyrical discipline could make it just that much stronger. (Consider saving that opening verse, maybe for something else with a similar feel. Although I might change your cavalry to the cavalry, maybe. Depending on what all you end up meaning.)

mockchoi - thanks a lot! And yeah I wasn't going to add a ton of percussion, maybe just a bass drum near the end to get it going a bit more. I'd try to build it up a lot more if I had more instruments I think.

blue2blue - thanks for the feedback! I see what you mean about the disconnect in the lyrics. I do tend to write things that mean something to me, but may not make sense to the listener. I might try to rework the song later, and I'll definitely take that into consideration when writing in the future.

That disconnect isn't a deal-breaker... the song is likable as it is. Sometimes it makes sense to give something a thorough re-write and sometimes it may make more sense to take the lesson forward to the next effort. And the fact that there are three elements makes the disconnect more 'triptych-like'... I think it's easier to juxtapose three distinct elements in a way that forms a greater hole than it is to put two together. With two disparate elements in a song, you have to work over-hard at making sure parallels are really parallel and contrasts really contrast. When you put together three elements, OTOH, I think you can get away with less overt connections -- and that can feel more natural, overall, in some ways. But... all that said, there's enough formalist in me that I really like it when a work's various elements tie together in a way that feels natural and unforced.

+1.

I like it, the guitar is very cool and the melody works. The chorus comes in with some force with the pause and harmonies. Great guitar lift on the odd numbered chorus lines.

Some lyric thoughts:

Shouldn't it be lay your head on the ground?

I don't like "Don't make me wish that I never tried" at all. It stands out as being much weaker than the rest of the words to that point.

Not a fan of the opening two lines of the 2nd verse. The doubled "piece" rubbed me the wrong way and I avoid the word "like" whenever possible. Perhaps something like

You're shattered glass, cold and beautiful

The pieces don't fit anymore.