secret circus

I was going for a cabaret kind of Bob Fosse kind of feeling

http://atreu73.bandcamp.com/track/secret-circus

Very interesting. Beautifully written, beautifully performed.

If by Bob Fosse you mean the movie version of Cabaret, this song is, in some ways, better.

That said, there are a few words and phrases that, in my opinion, kind of stick out and don't quite work.

1) "tender ball" -- I like the idea of the person's love being a ball that the powers-that-be bounce against the wall, but the way the phrase is sung, it doesn't work with "tender." I'd try another adjective. "Your love's a silly ball we bounce against the wall...?" "Childish/foolish ball?"

2) I'm not 100% sure about "fight for your bacon and eggs." I kind of like it, but I'm not sure about it. I think the problem is that it might be too specific. It seems to be a metaphor for "daily bread," which works better, metaphorically (though a bit trite), and rhymes better with the line that follows.

3) I'm really not sure about the second-to-last line: "but you have gas..." It sounds like the person is either bloated or farty. I'm assuming you're talking about gasoline, not intestinal gas. So I'd attack that idea in a different way.

Despite my few, small reservations, this is really a terrific song. Quite brilliant.

Bravo!

LCK

LCK thanks for all your insight. It's right for the most part I think and I will try to make amends.

Yep - theatre worthy for sure - "our seeds are sown" - good line....

Bob Fossy better watch his back!!!