City of Gold (tips on improving these lyrics?)

City of Gold

Verse 1

beneath the boughs I scraped my knee

mother's voice rang tall like a tree

Her tender eyes filled limb with light

and chased the tears back into the night

Now the warmth has gone to gray

every eye is turned away

so I walk these streets a ghost

searching for a road to gold

Chorus

I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the fear inside my bones

and I want to go home

Verse 2

I've traveled far and found no peace

in city streets a darkness creeps

I'm beckoned back against my will

its grip is strong my spine is gone

with bones so crudely cast in stone

a statue still, I long to roam.

so I walk these streets a ghost

searching for a road to gold

Chorus

I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the cold inside my bones

and I want to go home

Bridge

I have to hope

I'm getting close

I have to hope

I have to hope

when darkness falls

on golden walls

my bones will breath

my bones will breath

Verse 3

golden is the chance to be

a man afforded dignity

the will to walk with eyes alive

a spark inside that never dies

I'll find my way back to that tree

where fear and hardship cannot reach

whose roots are set below the streets

a golden city where hope sleeps

Chorus

so I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the light inside my bones

and its calling me home

It's looking good lyric-wise, but I need to hear it now.

I notice that V1 and V3 are 8 lines, but V2 is 6 lines.

The chorus and bridge have a song lyric feel to them, but the verses are perhaps quite formal 'poetry' in their feel.

I need to hear it to comment on whether the verses are comfortable with the feel of the chorus and the bridge.

You might be doing this intentionally with the music / lyric connection. Let us know.

It's awesome brother, we'll make this into a song yet. I'll try to put it to the guitar parts tomorrow and post it for these guys to see what they think. If I have any rhythmical issues or if something doesn't fit we'll work it out. great job!

I like - not much I could thing of to improve it.

However, my favorite line I think was due to a spelling error. In the chorus, you use the word "rode." I suspect you meant road, but rode makes for such a cool meaning. A rode is an anchor rope - the image of the person wandering, missing home, and acknowledging so simply he is chained to home made for a really compelling image.

If intentional, the dual meaning is brilliant, if it is an error, claim the brilliance and go on.

Good work!

oldMattB

wow, I love it. I've never been more happy with my mediocre spelling abilities.

First off Swingfinger, are you a hot dog talking on an early model telephone? You're awesome!

I love your lyric. Particularly:

I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

For everyone, here is the first draft of the lyrics & melody... not quite done yet mind you. You will see that the structure has been slightly altered from the original lyrical posting. Verse,Break,Verse,Chorus,Verse,Chorus,Bridge,Chorus. Also... this is very rough, so please no criticism on the performance. Thanks!

http://youtu.be/Ihcrs_5AFEo

*Edit* Also, the shorter verse works because we can throw a short solo in there.

There's a rushed intensity in the delivery that doesn't seem the right way of supporting the storyline.

To me, it feels like the arrangement needs to be slower and calmer.

I'd have to agree that the lyrics seem like they've been forced into a melody/structure that doesn't really fit their natural flow. I still really like the melody to the chorus though.

What about if we slow it down about 20bpm... That would make it breath a bit more. Probably even 10bpm would make it feel better... I just don't want the song to be 'too' slow.

I just don't think the phrasing of the verses works with this arrangement. At certain points it sounds like you're putting most of your effort into jamming the words in place instead of having them flow naturally. Maybe it just isn't a good idea to force lyrics into a song.

You should write a new set of lyrics for that song and I'll work on something new for these lyrics.

I think what he's done musically is really good but... I do agree that the phrasing isn't there yet. But I think the direction works.

So smross, what can help is to look at each line of the lyrics and find the natural accent words. Not syncopation words, but the ones that could land on a strong downbeat. You're not doing that yet. Take this line that you had a little issue with:

Her tender eyes filled limb with light

It's not that you're trying to cram too much in, it's that you're not finding the words to land on the strong beats. Once you do that, using 8th notes to fit in the rest of the syllables won't sound rushed. So the way you sang the first 3 words works great

Her tender eyes

but then, 'filled limb with light' feels weird. I can see you think it does too and you're not sure what to do about it. Limb is the power word here. It could be any word there, but you have a syncopation going. You're very cleverly using upbeats. So what word are you going to have land on the down beat. You gotta anchor that phrase. So tap your foot on all fours and try landing one of the words on a foot tap. Or a "downbeat".

So 'filled' goes on an upbeat and LIMB lands solid on a down. On the 1 to be specific. That's a power position. If 'limb' lands on the down of 1, you can make up the the rest of the notes with 8th notes and it won't sound rushed or crowded.

It's not about how many syllables as much as making sure you anchor your phrases on strong beats here and there. Then build around that nice solid ground. Each and every phrase needs this kind of attention. Whether it is intuitive and studied. Study it now and it'll be more natural and you won't really have to think about it.

Now the warmth has gone a-way

@Lee Knight, Thank you for the tips. I am going to study them and incorporate them into my next video. The phrasing definitely needs to develop, and will with time. The song has potential and I believe that it will be a piece of art when finished(of course I may be a bit biased). I'll post something in the next couple weeks as a follow up once it is all figured out. Again, thank you for the in depth post, I do appreciate it, and I'm sure Swingfinger does too.

This is a really good lyric.

I think the second line might have a typo in it. Shouldn't tall like tree read tall like a tree?

To make the second verse 8 lines, I'd repeat the last two of the first verse

I've travelled far and found no peace

in city streets a darkness creeps

I'm beckoned back against my will

its grip is strong my spine is gone

with bones so crudely cast in stone

a statue still, I long to roam.

so I walk these streets a ghost

searching for a road to gold

Hey man i think the lyrics are great and have to agree with a lot of comments above about delivery

you need to make the lyrics be the main feature in this song...some songs talk a load of crap and hide it in an exciting melody and some songs are simple BUT the lyrics are what captures the audience.... so maybe slowing it down or breaking up the melody a bit

Im not saying to copy this example but here is a fantastic example of how a slowed down melody without the need for line after line after line works

[video=youtube;60Pg3KcIUyg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60Pg3KcIUyg

Not bad, you need to work in a line about flying squirrels though to really make it shine.

please forgive the lousy singing, mistakes, and awkward facial expressions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUziTBqUDRY

I also changed the lyrics a bit

City of Gold

Verse 1

beneath the boughs I scraped my knee

mother's voice rang tall like a tree

Her tender eyes filled limb with light

and chased the tears back into the night

Now the warmth has gone to gray

every eye is turned away

so I walk these streets a ghost

searching for a road to gold

Chorus

I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the fear inside my bones

and I want to go home

Verse 2

I've travelled far and found no peace

in city streets a darkness creeps

I'm beckoned back against my will

its grip is strong my spine is gone

with bones so crudely cast in stone

a statue, still I long to roam.

so I walk these streets a ghost

searching for a road to gold

Chorus

I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the cold inside my bones

and I want to go home

Bridge

I have to hope

I'm getting close

I have to hope

I have to hope

when darkness falls

on golden walls

my bones will breath

my bones will breath

Verse 3

golden is the chance to be

a man afforded dignity

the will to walk with eyes alive

a spark inside that never dies

I'll find my way back to that tree

where fear and hardship cannot reach

whose roots are set below the streets

a golden city where hope sleeps

Chorus

so I'll wear the night out

and set my shoes on fire

I know I'm still young

and the rode is long

but I can feel the light inside my bones

and its calling me home