Rough idea/vid - needs help/work

Hello

Just had a quick idea ive jotted in video form (im struggling to play it perfectly and sing but you get the idea.)

It may or may not be worth pursuing but even where im up to needs work.

does the incessant rhyme in the chorus bit annoy you?

got any ideas?

Kiss me on this darkest night

tell me everythings alright

or I'll run from

you now

Make me red when i feel blue

tell me that this love is true

or i'll hide from

you now

Shakin' you got me in this tailspin

breakin' and falling for you

achin' you got my body flakin (??)

stakin' my claim over you.

[video=youtube;oOaENdYMm6w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOaENdYMm6w

Oh yeah... I'm likeing that! How about:

Shakin' you got me in this tailspin

breakin' and falling for you

achin' you got me awake and...

stakin' my claim over you.

Nice. I heard an alternate version of the refrain. You sing

"run... from... you now"

whereas in my head it went:

"run.. from you.... you now"

To try to illustrate it in time think:

run............ from......

run..... from you.......

So the "you" starts exactly where "from" is now and from - sung on the same note as it is now - is on the beat just prior.

Not saying it is better, just tossing it out there. If you like it, you could also put a "from" just in from of "you now" as well.

As for the line, how about

Good start, maybe this works ...

My throttle

Very, very nice.

I think you're right. The chorus is a bit too rhymie.

What if instead of using so many "k" rhymes (like "shakin") you add a few "l" rhymes (like so).

Shakin, I'm in a tailspin, shaken

fallin' and callin' for you

Achin, my heart might be breakin.

Until you ask will you be true?

I don't know if this works, or makes sense yet. But it might be a direction to try.

LCK

Timeless.

I really love the feel on this. I hope it remains a sparse arrangement. The refrain doesn't bother me in the least.

Absolutely stunning melody. And I love how the guitar echos the melody on each line.

Mandolin as a sound-different instrument?

Rick

Mandolin would be really cool.

Ok here is a scratch recording of where im up to.... im no further lyrically than above.... but if people thing its working then im gonna sit and finish this one

I know people mentioned keeping it stripped but ive kinda gone half way

thoughts so far?

http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/my-claim-over-you-demo-needs

Lov'en it. The world needs more positive, upbeat songs.

"Shaking tall spin..." tamborine timing... not sure about that. I think it was in the execution because just before the ending the tambourine sounds perfect.

cool - like i say its just a quick demo - im gonna rerecord once ive finished writing

the tambourine is supposed to follow the snare perfectly.... and will

Yeah, I really like the tempo and groove. The second the tune starts you get a good feeling. I really do like your melody hook in the verse and the guitar echo of it. So simple, but it feel it just makes you feel good.

The B is cool. I love the anticipated snare/tamb groove. I know you know that needs to lock. One thing that crossed my mind, when it does, that hihat might need to change. It sounds like it's the pattern from the verse maybe? And it feels like a guy wouldn't keep that rhythm thing going when he was going to do the anticipated snare thing. He'd most likely straighten out.

And I get this is a quick demo but I only mention these things so you have the input for your next workup. The melodica is pretty out of tune. If you're tuned to standard on the guitars, the melodica just might too far out in that key to be used.

But hell yes, this is a tune that totally works. My fave from you of recent vintage. Once worked up it'll really shine.