Members Mahuska Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Wrote bare-bones w/o any treatment) in an hour or soI really hope I can take this somewhere Her eyes Lyrics: Come in and relax, Come in and relaxNo to be bold, shivering ColdCome in and relax, Come in and relaxNo need to so be bold, shivering Cold I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was this Magic and Tenderness. When I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was this Magic and Tenderness. We got to talking and it went everywhereSome PersonalOld Stories we all known I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was this Magic and Tenderness. We began to sing her eyes glisteningand when they met mineI could see the same thing SC urlhttp://soundcloud.com/mahuska/her-eyes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Cool idea. First thought with a quick listen: "Come in and relax" is a nice opening line, but it isn't nearly strong enough to get 4X treatment. I'd say it once and replace the others with something new. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Cool idea. First thought with a quick listen: "Come in and relax" is a nice opening line, but it isn't nearly strong enough to get 4X treatment. I'd say it once and replace the others with something new. I just added these verses jut a few , sang a little higher. More work to be done new SC versionhttp://soundcloud.com/mahuska/her-eyes-2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think there is a core of this song that is a jewel. Something to be developed. But... In the first verse, you repeat the exact same melody for each "come in and relax". I'm guessing it was done for emphasis, but I think the melody should be changed if just so slightly so that we don't hear the exact repeat. I use repeats myself, but for some reason, starting the song like that doesn't work. What dawned on me after a while, is how the following lines are very compelling, both lyrically and melodically: I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was this Magic and Tenderness. ... and so I thought, take out verse 1 completely, and start right at the "I saw your eyes meeting mine". Maybe I am an over romantic, but those two lines pulled me right in. And that ending chord at "and tenderness" was a huge unexpected delightful surprise. I like how the song starts to increase its pace after a while. with the right production, this will really shine. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Good song - I agree with Rickidoo about changing that melody slightly on the opening lines How about something like this for the chorus rather than repeating the same thing twice? I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was this Magic and Tenderness. When I saw your eyes meeting mineThere was no longer an emptiness Also.... well done on working the vocals.... this sounds so much more comfortable for you and vocals sound great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Such encouragement thanks. Since I wrote the tune in a hour or so, I can use your great advice. I'll come back to it in a day or so as I wrote another idea today I have some stuff to work on. But with steady guidance...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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